Saturday, 22 December 2007

Christmas...

Christmas, my favourite time of the year- not because it is my birthday, but because... it is when everyone seems to be at their happiest somehow.

I found this song in a blog blogged by dreamerbonnie, whoever that may be. It gave me chills- the good kind.

WHY?

Nicole Nordeman

We rode into town the other day
Just me and my Daddy
He said I’d finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man
That my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said “Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I’ll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows
Daddy, please can’t you do something?
He looks as though He’s gonna cry
You said he was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy, please tell me why
Why does everyone want him to die?”

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And Daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, “Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for My robe?
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows
Father, please can’t You do something?
I know that You must hear My cry
I thought I could handle the cross of this size
Father, remind Me why
Why does everyone want Me to die?
When will I understand why?”

“My precious Son, I hear them screaming
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour I must do nothing. Though I’ve heard your unbearable cry —

The power in your blood destroys all the
lies, soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes.
Look there below see the child trembling by her
father’s side. Now I can tell you why, she is why
you must die.


I can only imagine how Jesus must have felt then. Probably His eyes locked with the little girl's eyes and He saw her fear. Maybe He then looked around at the tumult around Him, looked at heaven, then back at the little girl. Maybe a tear splashed down her cheek as she stared up at Him, frightened. Maybe she pulled at her daddy's sleeve and asked, "Daddy, why must He die?" Perhaps it was the sound of her sweet voice that touched Him and reminded Him why. Perhaps it was then, that He cried out in triumph, "It is finished!" And died.

Now the song below, was the real reason for this post- well, partly at least. We sang this during Christmas carolling last year, speaking of which, I miss incredibly.

WE ARE THE REASON

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we’d find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night

Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I’ve finally found the reason for living
It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I’ll be giving my all just for Him, for Him
He is my reason to live

My reason to live. May I never forget it.

I'll be leaving tonight to Harbin. So have a blessed Christmas everyone! May Christmas mean so much more to you than just parties and presents. The focus of Christmas is Christ =)

Oh yes- before 2007 ends, I'd like to thank all the people in my life who have cared for me so much this year. The latter part of the year was pretty rough for me, as some of you know very well, so a BIG THANK YOU to all of you who have tried to cheer me up, comforted me, prayed for me and generally accompanied me through the whole thing. There's just so many of you that I'm afraid I'll forget one of your names if I listed them one by one! But you guys know who you are... and I'd really like you to know how much you mean to me, and how deeply I appreciate your concern and love and friendship for me, and how I'd really like to be there for you, if you ever need me.

Take care all of you, I'll see you in the new year of 2008 =)

And to one particular you, if you ever do decide to come to this blog one day,I'd like to thank you too, for loving me, or at least, having once loved me.


*HUGS* *MUAKS* TO ALL OF YOU!!!!

Don't ask me why, these are just the colours I think a hug and a kiss should be! See you soon!

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

FBC Youth Camp 2007: TRANSFORM US

This year's youth camp was based on Transformers-you know, that movie with Megatron and Optimus Prime and AllSpark and stuff. But how many of you realised the significance of the storyline? I have to admit it, I didn't. In Transformers, as with many action movies, it's the classic good versus evil story; and in the end, Optimus Prime dies to save the world. Have you ever wondered why so many movies have similar endings where someone sacrifices his life to save people? Perhaps it is because deep within each of us, there exists a deep yearning for a Saviour, for someone who loved us enough, to die for us.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." The most popular quote from the Bible- John 3:16. That guy did come, but instead of embracing Him, people scorned Him and crucified Him. And here's the best part- He allowed them to. It just blows me away sometimes. I mean, if I was in Jesus' shoes, maybe if people believed in me as their Savior and loved me and accepted me, I might have been willing to die for them. But the thing is, people sneered and laughed and tortured and tried to kill me. In all honesty, I probably would have folded my arms and like Jonah, told God that these people weren't worth it. They didn't even want me to die for them. But as the psalmist says, "he was obedient to the point of death on the cross." Wow. It's just so amazing, that someone would love me that much.

Okay, about the camp itself. We started on our journey to PD in the morning and somehow Lyncia, Peter, Ming Han,Yih Ren and me ended up on the same bus. The conversation started out innocently enough, but one comment from Yih Ren (I can't remember what!) started a whole heated debate on the Hindraf and whether we should support the government. Peter and Ming Han were pro-opposition (Peter even said he didn't care which opposition, even PAS! Gasp!) whereas Yih Ren was pro-BN. Lyncia and me? Well, we were caught in between. Haha! Yih Ren made a valid point though about what Jesus said about the government in the Bible. The people asked him was it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar. Basically, they were trying to trap Him because they reasoned that if He said it was lawful, it meant that He wasn't the Son of the Kings and He lied; if He said it was not lawful, He would be considered treacherous to the Roman empire. But Jesus replied, "Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and render to God the things that are God." So Yih Ren maintained that we should be faithful to the government, which was the BN at the moment. Anyway, the debate had no proper conclusion, as the guys were too tired after arguing and fell asleep halfway. LOL. Guys.






Here's Lyncia and me on the bus.








Two hours later, we reached PD and checked into Golden Sands. I was put into a dorm with 5 other girls, and we had two adjoining bathrooms. It was my first time in a dorm! And sleeping on a double-decker bed too! Here's how our room looks like. Our two bathrooms are discreetly covered up by the curtain, so you can't see them. I slept on the lower bunk of the double-decker bed on the right further away from the camera.

So what did we do during camp? Lots of stuff. We were split into groups of 12-15 each, and each group was named after a transformer. So obviously there were teams like Jazz, Ironhide, Ratchet and Bumblebee, but my team was called Sunstreaker. In the afternoon we had of all things, a COOKING competition! Haha... none of us could cook for nuts, especially with ingredients provided, and we ended up getting last place! LOL!! Worst part was, we had to eat up the food we cooked. Thank God no one ended up with food poisoning.

Then we rested for a while, had dinner and then it was time for worship. We had such an awesome time worshiping God! Everyone was so hyped up during worship, it was such a shame that we couldn't jump because we were worshiping on the first floor of the building. The adults were worried we'd crash through the wooden floor if we all jumped. Haha! Anyway, this was the theme song for our camp and it's super meaningful.

THE TIME HAS COME (Hillsongs United)

Found love beyond all reason
You gave your life Your all for me
And called me Yours forever

Caught in the mercy fallout
I found hope found life

Found all I need

You’re all I need


The time has come

To stand for all we believe in
So I for one am gonna
Give my praise to You

Today today it’s all or nothing

All the way

The praise goes out to You
Yeah all the praise goes out to You
Today today I live for one thing

To give You praise
In everything I do

Yeah all the praise goes out to You

All we are is Yours
And all we’re living for

Is all Yo
u are
Is all that You are Lord


Yeap. The time has come to stand for all we believe in. No more sitting on the fence, no more saying "I'll decide another day". Today. You could tell that everyone sang the song and meant it with all their hearts.

Then we had our first session with the speaker. The camp's theme verse was from Romans 12:2. "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve of what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." Basically the speaker spoke about what it meant not to conform any longer to the world. If you say you believe in God but yet your life is still deeply entrenched in sin, you actually don't believe. To really believe, your life HAS to be transformed. Anyway, after session we had discussion, supper and it was time for lights out. Exit Day One.

Enter Day Two. We had worship and another session with the speaker. The speaker split us into groups and we held a debate. The topic was, "Should we spend time evangelising or saving the environment?" It was really interesting! Yih Ren purposely took an extreme point of view and argued that since God said the world would end one day anyway, we're actually helping God through pollution and global warming. After all, if the world ended faster we'd all see God earlier, isn't that great? I loved Jessica's rebuttal though. She said that God commanded us to love our neighbours as ourselves and who are our neighbours? Aren't the animals and plants part of the world too? Besides, people actually die from pollution around the world and how are we loving our neighbours by causing their deaths? All in all, it was a really fun morning and the speaker concluded that we are to do both, because both are commandments from God. There are so many people who are busy with missionary work, but we hardly hear of Christian voices in the Greenpeace or WWF. That should be food for thought for all of us.

Next up were the workshops. Guys were sent to a workshop called How to Pick Up Chicks and the girls attended How to Spot A Jerk. The speaker Wini was really good, and she really understood us. She used a really good analogy to describe men and women. Men are like waffles, and women are like spaghetti. She said that to men, career, relationship, sex, family, friends were all different things- that's why guys can have sex with you but not love you. That's why guys can say stuff like concentrate on career and completely forget about his girl. However for us girls, we are like spaghetti. We can't have sex without loving the guy, if we're having problems in relationships it affects other parts of our lives as well! At the end of her talk, she sang this song called River beautifully. She said she saw all of us girls were still so innocent and pure; she wished she could protect us from all the heartbreak she had gone through before she got married because she said there was no pain like the pain of a break up. She had been through a miscarriage earlier on, and she said that even the pain of losing her baby was not as painful as breaking up, because she knew that she would see her baby in heaven again, but break ups, there's just no part 2- two souls were once connected, and they were torn apart. That's how painful a break up is. During her song, I couldn't help it. I started crying. There were a few other girls too around me who did the same. Eunice came around and hugged me and prayed for me. So did Sara. I can't explain how it felt to be literally in the arms of friendship. I was really sad then, but yet strangely comforted. Then Wini came and prayed for me. I'll never forget what she said to me.

"Rachel, I know that your dress which was once beautiful and clean is now torn and dirty. God wants to give you a new dress, but first you need to give him the old one."

I gave God my old dress that late morning. I know I'll never forget the things that have happened, but I know that God understands and He will be with me, through it all. To think that in the beginning I was hesitant about going to camp because it was to be held at the beach, a place where I have too many painful memories. Thank you God for telling me to go. Thank you for your healing. Oh, and for the guys reading this blog, you wanna know what the guys at camp learned? Well, the truth is, I don't know either. NONE of them would tell me!!! (Hint hint to those who know from camp! =D )

Oh yes.... and the girl on my left is Eunice by the way.

In the afternoon we had Amazing Race. The first challenge was a SUDOKU challenge and my team only had 3 people who knew how to play! The question set was so hard too! Anyway, we finally completed the puzzle and now I can safely say that I know how to play SUDOKU. Of course, playing it well is another story altogether =P. Then we had to run to the beach for our next challenge. Goodness!! We had to dig out marbles from the sand with spoons in our mouths! It was SO HARD! Then there was a Bible quiz, thank God I took BK in form 5=) We also had this fear factor thing where we had to drink some disgusting drink that smelt awful and looked putrid. Unfortunately for the organisers of the game, one of my team members Yu Mey fell in love with the drink and she drank the whole cup herself without anyone helping her! My team members even asked them for second helpings. CRAZY!! There was another game where there was this baby swimming pool filled with rainwater, marbles and ICE. We had to step into the icy-cold water and pick up marbles with our toes and put it into this tin can still with our toes. The water was so cold I tell you! Once your feet goes in, it's like a million icy needles stabbing at your feet and within 10 seconds you can't feel your toes anymore! Besides, the water was the colour of Milo and there were leaves floating in it and you can't even see the marbles, much less pick them up with your TOES. There was also a game whereby we had to pass marbles using these pipes from one end to the other. It was a standing joke by then the organising committee must have lost their marbles to be torturing us with so many marbles. LOL. We also played a game whereby we had to drop coins into a bowl at the bottom of a pail filled with water. The catch was- you had to earn the coins. I can't even remember all the crazy things we did to earn the coins. We catwalked, danced the chicken dance, sang Negaraku, recited Rukun Negara, held a conversation with a chair, danced the Hokey Pokey and I'm a Little Teapot, sang the camp song, did 20 sit-ups and goodness knows what else. For the life of me I can't remember all the games, but I know there were 11 stations. You can imagine how tired we were by the time we finished. And our spirits were quite low as we finished I think 4th or 3rd from last.

Exhausted, we showered and went for worship and session again. Despite our weariness, we were all still super-energetic. The floor thundered and the roof shook. Almost. =) But seriously, we were loud. When we quietened down to sing the last song, it really just hit me. The song we sang was just so meaningful. I think almost everyone cried. God's love was just so awe-inspiring. This was the song we sang:

ONE LIFE, ONE LOVE

Who am I
That You would know me from the start
Set me apart
Who am I
That You would place eternity
Into my heart

You have given to me
More than this world could give
My purpose is found in You

One life, I lay at Your altar
One love, I have with You
Touch me again
Fill me as You hold
My outstretched hands

One word, You know I will follow
One heart, broken to You
Use me again
Your mercies follow me
For all my days

In Your presence
In Your power
Holy Spirit I surrender

We had altar call as well and a non-Christian accepted Christ. Praise the Lord.

After session, we had discussion and supper. And it was lights out again.

OH YES, before I forget, Michelle brought 2 of her friends from Help and one of them brought his non-Christian cousin, Alvin who happens to be a Sunstreaker too! Anyway so these are the two guys:






This is Khai Xiang. He's in Cambridge studying Maths!! Super smart... Don't play play!









This is Joshua. He's in Nottingham studying pharmacy! When he found out I was going to Monash for medicine, he immediately started talking about the argument between doctors and pharmacists on dispensing medicine. LoL. Hope you two won't get mad at me for posting your photos up here =)

Okay, the 3rd day. Speaker spoke on how transforming meant no more idolatry. Which means it's not studies first, or relationship first, or family first, or computer games first... it's GOD first. It really hit me about my priorities in life, and how I thought I wasn't conforming to the world, but God was not always first in my life. Thank God that our God is a merciful God and he forgives every time.

Then we had separate workshops. I signed up for the politics workshop and man, I learnt so much! We're never too young to start changing the world, the only thing is we have got to try. Tricia, the speaker got me all fired up to read more, learn more and write more about politics. The word politics may seem so big, but actually it's anything got to do with us and our lives. Like our freedom to blog. Our freedom to have equality in education. Lots of stuff. Too many people fear the implications of their actions if they stood for justice and hence would rather keep their mouth shut. But is that what we are called to do? We are called to be the light and the salt of the world. To stand in the light and not in the darkness.

After the workshop we had some free time. I went back to my room and loud music greeted me. One of my roommates had some sony ericson that could play music so loud! So we spent our time singing in the room. Haha! The roommates who were there were all 17, and they were such cute and crazy girls! Here they are:







This is Yee Eng & Yeun Yi


















Disregarding the guy, from left to right, Yeun Yi, Jillian, Yee Eng and yours truly. I love you guys!







After free time it was games. Very very VERY tiring games. Water balloon games, dressing up in a skirt, goggles, umbrella, jacket and santa hat and running across the field (yes both guys and girls!), footsal on your butt games, beach games and one more game involving cardboard which I'm too lazy to describe XD All in all, we lost 2 games, drew 2, and won 1. Pretty bad, but some of the games were unfair. Not the committee's fault, just that the circumstances made it so.

That night was Skit Night. In short, it was hilarious. Enough said. As it was the last night, curfew was at 2. We stayed up talking until then =)

OH YES, throughout the 4 day camp we played the angel-mortal game, except that it was called transformer-human. So everyone had a human to take care of, and everyone was being taken care of by a transformer. My transformer was really sweet- he gave me sweets, loads of junk food, wrote me notes and even gave me a flower! I gave a note to my human folded in the shape of a paper airplane, some junk and biscuits. Hehe... he kept asking for hints on who I was, but obviously he never found out.

Okay, last day. I am super ashamed to say that I couldn't wake up and skipped both breakfast and morning devotion, but made it in time for worship. They announced the top 3 group finalists for the whole camp. I didn't really pay much attention because I knew we had been losing all this while, but the first group name read out was SUNSTREAKER!! Turns out that our team had done really well on the signature drive (we were supposed to collect signatures from people to get to know them better) and we were the only team who did the Bible quiz set inside our booklet. LOL. All because my team tangan gatal, we got SECOND PLACE!! WOOHOO!! SUNSTREAKER ROCKS!! What was the prize? A big plastic bag filled with biscuits and junk food! My favourite! Yum~~

Then it was time for the unmasking of the transformers. So here they are:








This is my transformer- Min Yi;













AND this is my human- Kenneth. He designed our camp T-Shirt! He drew a whole transformer at the back of the shirt!














After that it was plain camwhoring all the way.
So this is my awesome team SUNSTREAKER!!















Just in case you're wondering, these are the speaker's children's. I just had to put their photo in because they look SOOO CUTE!! Note the green umbrella!!















Last, but not least, this is Michelle and me. We talked all the way from PD back to KL. =)






So that's the camp. Wow. If you aren't tired reading this post, I'm tired typing it out. Hehe... Oh yes, just a final thing to mention. We were at spiritual warfare during the camp- so many people got injured! Peter our camp commander twisted his ankle and had to go home earlier, Yih Ren hurt his arm and has it now in a sling, two worship leaders went down with fevers... it was scary to see how the devil was trying to upset things. Anyway, we're all home safely now and God is working his healing on these people. So hah! In your face Satan! With God you'll never win!

Conclusion: I have been transformed. Lord, help me to stay transformed.

P.S. I forgot to put up this pict: This is what happens to short people when they meet mean people like Si Wei and Nicholas. Kidding =P

Thursday, 13 December 2007

Over

Girl, it's over. It's the end. No, it has ended. Past tense. Accept it.

O God... help me to experience your joy in this season of happiness.

When making your choice in life, do not forget to live.” – Samuel Johnson


P.S. I'll be away at church youth camp in P.D. Pray for revival and renewal of faith! Until then... I bid thee farewell =)

Monday, 10 December 2007

Everyday I love you

"Every Day I Love You"

I don't know, but I believe
That some things are meant to be
And that you'll make a better me
Everyday I love you
I never thought that dreams came true
But you showed me that they do
You know that I learn something new
Everyday I love you

'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul.

It's a touch when I feel bad
It's a smile when I get mad
All the little things I am
Everyday I love you

Everyday I love you more
Everyday I love you

'Cos I believe that destiny
Is out of our control (don't you know that I do)
And you'll never live until you love
With all your heart and soul

If I asked would you say yes?
Together we're the very best
I know that I am truly blessed
Everyday I love you
And I'll give you my best
Everyday I love you

For those of you who were in the same A-Level class as I was, you guys know how much I loved this song... I was trying to get everyone to listen to it remember? =P

Once, this song held a very special meaning to me; now, it still does, but in a different way. I don't think Boyzone was a Christian band, but I guess some truths never die. Doing morning devotion today, 2 John 1:6 said
And this is love: that we walk in obedience to His commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. God equates obedience with love. Remember His greatest commandment? To love the Lord Your God with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The commandment that immediately follows it? To love your neighbour as yourself.

I still believe that
you'll never live, until you love, with all your heart and soul. Do you?

Sunday, 9 December 2007

寂寞之歌

最近我一直都在读藤井树的书,越读越有感悟。

在《听笨金鱼唱歌》里,女主角问了男主角:要怎样才能忘记一个你深爱的人?
男主角想了一阵子,回答了说 :“时间,和一个深爱你的人。
女主角听了却说:时间只能证明你爱他有多深。

我觉得她这样说,颇有道理。如果真的短时间内忘记了那个人,这意味着你其实并没有那么爱他;而如果十年后你都还是想念着他,假设你的寿命有七十岁,那就代表,你花了你的生命的七分之一来爱他,值得吗?尤其是如果你的那个他根本不值得你爱。当然,如果他值得你爱,我们也不必讨论这个忘记的问题啦。Anyway, 我只希望,时间会给我我要的证明。

Next, 一个深爱你的人。这一点我只能猜测它的准确性,因为我从未因一个爱我的人而忘记一个我爱的人, 但凡事都有第一次对吧?只是我知道心动跟感动是两回事,但我也无法拒绝会因为屡次的感动而心动的可能性因为女生总是那么心软。 但我很肯定,如果你还爱着你深爱的那个他,一个爱你的人能介入你的心的机会几乎等于零。可是,一个爱你的人却能提醒你说“何处无芳草”, 因此而让你停止爱你曾深爱的他。 至于会不会爱上深爱你的人, 就要看缘份吧。

在《寂寞之歌》里,藤井树写了说,每个人的心里都有一首寂寞之歌,反复地在重播着。而他觉得大多的寂寞,来自于爱情。现在回想起,其实人会寂寞,真的是自己找渣的。本来你都是一个人好好的,发育了心痒竟跑去谈恋爱,结果落得像孙燕姿的天黑黑--“爱上让我奋不顾身的一个人。。。 横冲直撞, 被误解被骗,换来一堆想起时会落泪的甜蜜回忆,一颗破碎的心,还有那一层层挥不去的寂寞。 其实,开始时是一个人,结束时也是一个人,但就因为曾经体验过两个人在一起的滋味,所以忽然失去了会怀念,会不习惯, 因此沦为寂寞。 如果说一个人是寂寞的,那从一开始我都是寂寞的,只是恋爱时忘了寂寞还在身旁,等到爱走了才醒悟到原来寂寞一直都在,只是我没注意到它。现在,注意到了, 所以倍感寂寞。

寂寞之歌》的尾端,藤井树为他这本书的主题做出解释, 说会写出这本书是因为那更上一层楼的寂寞。何谓更上一层楼的寂寞呢?他说: “写这本书,是因为想与读者分享寂寞,写完了才发觉原来寂寞根本不能分享,只能自 己体会;发现了这一点后,内心的寂寞,也就更上一层楼了。我却白痴的不相信,所以就试图写一些关于我自己的寂寞与大家分享。结果,寂寞真的并没有减少, 多愁善感全涌上心头, 真的给藤井树说中了>.< 对了,想澄清一点-- 寂寞不能与别人分享,却能被别人了解; 就算你觉得全世界的人都不了解你,主懂你的内心; 我可以这样说,因为我是最好的证明。

话说回来,如果每一种感觉都拥有它独特的味道,那我觉得我的寂寞有像水的味道-- 淡淡的,却永无止境。这样也好,在我最寂寞的时候,至少有寂寞永远陪着我。 所以,朋友,如果你寂寞,别忘了还有寂寞一直守住在你身边,不离不弃, 还有寂寞的我。

Thursday, 6 December 2007

酒入愁肠愁更愁... 我--终于体验了...

可笑的是, 我竟希望这种晕晕醺醺的感觉一直持续下去...

你问我为什么? 我却真的不知道......

15 seconds

If you only had 15 seconds left in your life, what would your final act be? To tell that someone special you loved her/him? To thank your family for all their love? To drink and be merry with your friends? To go to some scenic quiet place and await death alone? Think about what you've been spending your time doing, and ask yourself- would I regret spending my life the way I've been? And answer it.

On a totally different note, I've always loved the Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. Mr Frost, I ask for forgiveness in advance, because I am going to modify your work with my own feeble lines- because I believe that what speech cannot express, words can; and I possess none of your great skill in pen.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Being human, I bent very low,
For the unknown I very much feared
Amid the bushes I saw an inviting bright glow
Long and hard I squinted and peered
But still its origin I did not know.

Almost blinded by the rays I looked away
On a whim I turned to the other lane
Just as long and winding, was this other way
As I looked at the path a fair maiden came
But not a single word would she utter.

And both roads that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
"Follow me" the dancing light seemed to say
But the maiden beckoned me down her track
Smiling with a finger on her lips.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
For whichever way I traveled by
It will have made all the difference
For knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I would ever come back

Two roads diverged in a wood that morn
and I-- by the choice, in two was torn
You ask, did I on the correct path descend?
My dear friend, the problem is--
I wouldn't know, until I've reached the end.

My version of emo-ing. Hope it makes sense to some of you.

If I had 15 seconds left in my life: I would like to spend those 15 seconds giving all my love, with no regrets.

OH YEA, on a side note, LSE offered me an unconditional offer for law. So did King's. Praise the Lord.

Saturday, 24 November 2007

Finally...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."

Finally, I'm beginning to learn...

24th November 2007, a day I'll always remember.

Some things you just have to let go, because it just isn't in God's plan (yet?)... Though it'll hurt and leave a scar, you just have to trust... thanks Li Yenn for reminding me =)

To the future, and whatever it may bring, I'm ready!
Because my God has gone before me to show me the way.

OH YEA... and today is the first day my blog is up for public consumption. Cheers!

Saturday, 27 October 2007

情歌

记得我的朋友写了一首歌《我不傻》, 当时觉得歌词好美:

只要你快乐,失去爱情那又如何
我不傻,就算只剩下昨日的拥抱
只要你快乐,付出什么都是值得
我会在远方默默的祝福着。

今天想起,觉得有点凄凉与惋惜, 却不知道是为了谁。是为了写歌人的痴情? 还是为了听歌人的残忍?而又有多少人真正做到舍己为人?

Thursday, 25 October 2007

My first tag

Layer One: On The Outside
Name: Rachel
Birth Date: 25/12/1988
Current Status: Single
Eye Colour: Black
Hair Colour: Black
Righty or Lefty: Righty


Layer Two: On The Inside
Your Heritage: Chinese/Hokkien
Your Fears: Failure, rejection, all creepy-crawlies, heights
Your Weaknesses: Pride, impatience, emotionalism
Your Perfect Pizza: Lots of cheese and crabsticks and not a single pineapple!


Layer Three: Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
Your Thoughts First Waking Up: Sleep some more
Your Bedtime:12-4am
Your Most Missed Memory: Childhood

Layer Four: Your Pick
Pepsi Or Coke: Neither
McDonald's or Burger King: McD!!
Single or Group Dates: Group
Adidas or Nike: Adidas
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino!! (Too bad I’m lactose intolerant)


Layer Five: Do You......
Smoke: Never did and never will
Curse: Minimally, but I’m trying not to at all
Have a crush: No
Think you've been in love: Yes
Go To School: No. Too old for school—uni now remember?
Want to get married: Definitely
Believe in yourself: I believe God can do all things, not me.
Think you're a health freak: Junk food rocks!!!


Layer Six: In The Past Month......
Have you...
Drank Alcohol: No
Gone to the Mall: Yes
Been on Stage: No
Eaten sushi: At Genki Sushi’s
Dyed your hair: No, but I would love to =)


Layer Seven: Have you ever......
Played a Stripping Game: Yes, and loved it, since I wasn’t the one stripping =P
Changed who you were to fit in: No


Layer Eight: You're Hoping
To Be Married: Before I’m 30
For a: Miracle


Layer Nine: In a Guy/Girl
Best Eye + Best hair colour combination: Doesn’t matter
Short or long hair: Guys- short; girls- take your pick


Layer Ten: What were you doing
1 Min ago: Doing this tag
1 Hour ago: Watching tv
4.5 Hours ago: Shopping
1 Month Ago: Emo-ing
1 Year Ago: Preparing for AS


Layer Eleven: Finish the Sentence
I Love: being loved
I Feel: lost
I Hate: being lonely
I Miss: so many people
I Need: to be braver

Layer Twelve : Tag Five people
1. Cher Hui
2. Chak Hoong
3. Meng Suan
4. Li Yenn
5. Nicholas

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

A Blog Post for God

People say that you can be who you want to be, it's just whether you allow yourself that opportunity or not. But God, what do You say?


I think You say that I can be whoever I want to be, after all, You gave Adam and Eve choices, You gave me too. You gave him a choice as well.


Choice. What an ironic word. God, I'm so sorry I'm emo-ing here. If You're too busy, don't bother listening alright? I know there are a lot of people out there who need You too. You go tend to them first okay? You said that there is a time for everything under the sun, so I'm just selfishly hoping that this happens to be the time where You read blog posts.


Where was I? Ah yes. Choice. Someone once said that feelings fade away, but choices last forever. But if a choice were to overlap another choice, does that mean the choice before no longer has its impact?


Father, You know how hard I've been trying to learn maturity. I need Your help. I can't do it alone. Stop me from trying to take my future into my own Hands, but to leave it safely in Yours. I don't know about him, but if he is trying to take control, God, help him to remember that it's still You who are, and always will be, in control.


Father, You know how stubborn I am. You know how much it hurts for me to say this, but I know I must ask this of You. God, if this is not meant to be, please take it away from my heart. Please help me to learn to let go. If this is meant to be, Father, please keep it burning. If this is not meant to be now, but some time later in Your plan, please give us the wisdom to know when, and the courage to take that step of faith.


Father, You know the deepest desire of my heart. But, I pray that not my will, but Thine be done, in my life as it is in heaven.


Psalms 147: 3 -"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."


Thanks for Your patience and friendship God, and for promising to carry me through all my sorrow and pain. Thank you especially for tahan-ing my stupidity =)


I love you God.


In Jesus' Name I pray,

Amen.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

白痴

人生自是有情痴,此恨不关风与月!

我一直都不明白为何作者会用恨来形容爱情,明明爱得那么深,又怎么会有恨呢?现在,我终于明白了。 不是爱得不够,而是爱得太深,所以恨自己放不开手,恨自己太痴情。

从小,我对爱情充满了憧憬,别人说我傻,我也一笑置之,从不理会。也许是我太天真了吧。。 可是,如果失去理想是变成熟的代价,那我宁可永远幼稚。这世上真的没有所谓的山盟海誓,天长地久吗?

欧阳修曾写过一句话:“心似双丝网, 终有千千结。” 我,终于晓得他的心境了-- 整颗心好像是用成千上万的结组成的,一拉一条结就痛一次。我心我情谁能晓?谁是解铃系铃人?

主,但愿我能在您身上获得平静与勇气。

刚刚听了一首蛮贴切的歌,想在这里分享一下。

紧紧相依的心如何
say goodbye
你比我清楚还要我说明白
爱太深会让人疯狂的勇敢
我用背叛自己
完成你的期盼


把手放开不问一句
当作最后一次对你的溺爱
冷冷清清淡淡今后都不管
只要你能愉快


有一句感慨
还能够跟谁对白
在你关上门之前
替我再回头看看
那些片段
还在不在


献给世上所有的伤心人。记得要快乐!

Saturday, 21 April 2007

Only loving..

I've just finished watching the taiwan series It Started with a Kiss and somehow.. I can't get it out of my mind. Maybe it's the impish, charming grin of Joe Cheng (who is a total hottie by my standards XD ), or maybe it's something deeper..

It reminded me of the pain of unrequited love, of forever wondering whether that special someone likes you, of second-guessing his every move and word.. I guess, in a weird, convoluted manner, I sort of miss that feeling. I miss the way I used to care about whatever happened to that special someone, to start missing him even though I just met him a moment ago, even the way I used to cry myself to sleep because of despair that he would never fall for me.. (I'm not speaking about anyone in particular, it's just the feelings I'm referring to). I miss the times when I would look at his retreating back and whisper softly, "If only you knew how much I care.. if only you cared enough to find out.."

Somehow, life was a lot simpler when it was just about me constantly thinking of him. Two people in a relationship is so much harder, though most would say it's more rewarding and happier. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that relationships are bad, I'm just saying that relationships are complex. With the world and society in general being what it is, a bit of simplicity would really be welcome, in my opinion at least.

Maybe the crux of what I'm trying to say is that I miss my idealistic, romantic self. Granted, I might still have a few shreds of that left in me, but the rest, by far and by large, is gone. But yet, everytime I watch a taiwan drama series, and see the characters sacrifice so much for love, a pang strikes my heart, and somewhere deep inside me, a hunger to love, to hurt, to give all I have to someone awakens once more. Somewhere deep down, I want to be able to say to someone, "It's okay if you don't like me.. I love you.. and that's enough for me." That's enough for me.. Would I? Will I? Could I ever..?

Well, there you are. One of the yearnings of my heart. I hope I haven't bored you. Perhaps I'll spice this blog with a little fiction if inspiration strikes. If I can't live out my fantasies, I'll write about it.. perhaps..

Would you risk your feet and take this dance?
Would you give it all for this one chance?

If only you knew how much I care,
How hard this loneliness is to bear,
I hear like a pensive refrain,
This never-ending pang of pain..

Forgive me for my intrusion,
Forgive me my delusion,
In my life all i ever wanted to do,
Is to spend this life, only loving you.

There.. my attempt at capturing an illusion of feelings..

hope you liked it..

Thursday, 5 April 2007

forgive

I'm hurt. O Lord.. teach me forgiveness..

Thursday, 22 February 2007

Some things in life..

Another routine drive down to Malacca to visit my maternal grandma and grandpa.. As our car whizzes down the highway, the trees and lush greenery pass me by so fast, but I don't even spare them a glance. A year has gone by so quickly..

A day goes by even faster..

Suddenly, we're at the doorstep of my grandma and grandpa's house saying our goodbyes once again.. I watch my brother hug grandpa. As always, Grandpa marvels at his height. Then, it's my turn. I awkwardly reach forward and envelope his bony frame with my arms carefully, afraid that if I squeeze too hard-- his frail body might just snap. He's grown so thin!! But what more could one expect.. He has been battling cancer for so many years.. I reach out for grandma and warmly embrace her. I realise with a start-- she's all bones too.. I stand back to get a better look at both of them. They smile back at me, their eyes suspiciously bright. Lines signifying wisdom, experience and age form at the sides of their eyes and mouth, as though carved by the cruel hands of time.

"Hui lai duo dian!" Grandma says to me as I get into the car. I nod my head obediently without thinking.

Grandpa looks at dad and remarks laughingly, "it's not even 24 hours since you've arrived!" Dad smiles. I had never felt less like smiling as I felt now. It was as though an icy hand had gripped my whole heart. Hot tears prickle my eyes. One whole year and we couldn't even spend a whole day with the people who raised and gave me my mother.. Why had I spent my time in their house smsing and listening to my iPod? Precious time.. which could have been spent listening and conversing with them.. telling them about God.. If they died without knowing the gospel, I would never ever be able to see them again forever.. for all eternity.. Oh God, how I regret..

Dad backs our car out of the driveway. Grandpa and grandma wave frantically at us, biding us goodbye. I wave back. Mum, as usual, starts tearing. Through the background of her sobs, I continue waving until they are out of sight. To them, my wave is just a goodbye.. but to me, it signifies a promise-- a promise to myself and to God, to go back more often, to share with them the greatest Love they would ever know.

"What is life if full of care..
We have no time to stand and stare.."

Thank you Lord for reminding me once again of these famous lines. Thank you for reminding me once again, that there are some things in life that are infinitely more precious and important than pursuing my dreams and just loving the people around me.. I needed to learn to care more.. and share more too..

Saturday, 3 February 2007

Silence

I sit in your silence,
Waiting..
Feelings beyond my grasp,
Wavering..

Regardless of the anguish in the heart,
This waiting that has become an art,
Can never come to an end.

The ironic twisting of this destiny,
Has wrought out the sorrow of this story,
I remain, always and forever, only your friend.

I sit in your silence,
And quietly love..
I sit in your silence,
And quietly leave.

For love takes two,
But this silence, only belongs to you..

Haven't tried writing poetry in a long time-- had nothing to write about anyway. Hope this speaks to some of you.

Friday, 2 February 2007

Certainty

Had an unexpectedly fun day. Intriguing to see how each house reflects the decorator's personality and tastes. A peep into another's life-- really does make one realise the serenity and beauty of others' lives, and reflect on one's own, and wonder what is missing and vice-versa. Haven't laughed so much in such a long time.. feels good =)

I've been perusing through this book-- Persuasion. A phrase caught my eye( actually it was underlined to me by the movie Lake House)--

"There could not have been two hearts so open, no tastes so similar, no feelings so in unison, no countenances so beloved.."

How poignant. What certainty and conviction were these lines written with. Will I ever have feelings of such depth that to live without that someone would be worse than death? Do I want to have such feelings? Am I capable of them? Will the one I want to love love me the same way? To feel with such conviction, to say--"this is the one" with all certainty, surely that is what love is all about. Or is it not?

Monday, 29 January 2007

其实很爱你

离开不会太悲伤

有些心情该释放
直到眼泪它自己落下
才发现骗不了自己
其实很爱你
现在学着去遗忘
躲开有你的地方
回忆被谁放在书架上
把他从最高的地方落下
感动越是深刻
寂寞就越伤人喔
每个人的心里都
会有一段伤痕
像白纸的天真
仿佛被你伤得好深
相爱不需要理由
离开也没有理由挽留


This song strikes a chord with me.. Don't ask me why, it just does. It strikes a chord so deep that its effects are that of a teardrop dropping into a still lake, ripples forming, reaching out.. reaching out to break a heart, hurt a soul..

For all the people who are hurting or who've been hurt before.

Tuesday, 23 January 2007

Waiting..

"But if I let you go, I would never know.. what my life would be, holding you close to me.." Westlife sings the whispers of our hearts so beautifully. I guess that's why many people get involved in relationships, because they are afraid that if they wait, they might look back and realise that the person whom they said no to-- was the One for them. That's why many of us give up on waiting. Or better still, we tell ourselves-- " surely the wait is over, he/she must be the one.." and forge ahead firmly. But a few months down the road, we're not so sure anymore..

The Bible said, "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." God only meant our hearts to be given for one person, just like he meant the marriage bed to only be shared between 2 people. I've known this all my life, but yet I've had more than one crush. And yet, I once was that little girl who sang along when Snow White hummed "Someday My Prince will Come", believing in the dream woven by Walt Disney-- that as long as I wait long enough, my Prince Charming would come and he would carry me off on his white stallion, and we would ride off into the sunset, and live happily ever after. I still believe it actually =)

I've sort of wandered off the topic haven't I? I guess the point of my meandering so far is because, like many others, I who was once so sure, am not sure anymore. Has my waiting ended? I don't know.. Assuming it has not ended, when will it end? Will it ever end? What if it never ends? What if??

Argh.. more questions again.. have to stop this..

A blog topic without much substance.. and this is only the second post.. this is bad..

Thursday, 18 January 2007

Thoughts


My third attempt at a blog.. how laughable. A place for me to be me, just me. As I think back on the times of how and why I start a blog, it reminds me once again of -as Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries put it, how many times in a day I use the word "me"-- just how incredibly self-centred I really am. But I digress.

My aunt once likened life and people to ships passing in the sea. I was struck instantaneously by that idea. How true! We are all but ships sailing in the ocean, each with our own destined journey, not free to pause and linger for a while, or to hasten on to our next port, but on this steady course, for time will always find its own pace.. to wherever God decrees and whenever He decrees it. On our journey, we meet many passing ships, some only for a fleeting moment as we pass, and some-- for longer periods. Of those we meet, some ships strike our fancy more than others, and we try to match our pace with theirs, so that we can drift along together, united, at least for a brief eternity. Then comes one ship which outshines the rest, and you gladly forsake all other companionship to float with that one ship on the great blue expanse that is life. But how long will you be as self-sacrificing as to do that? What if another ship comes along, who seems to match you so much in every way except the one most important one? Will you still refrain? You'll start to think.. perhaps God has other plans.. but in your heart of hearts, you kNoW that God has said no.. but yet you rebel. You refuse to continue on your journey in life, and all comes to a stand-still. You know God has said no, and your heart of hearts tells you that the first ship would be a worthy companion in life, you know you have no choice. But still you wonder, what if.. things were different? Can you make a difference if you try? As a famous poet said, "Of all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest is none other than "it might have been.." How eloquently put. If you never try, you'd never know what might have been. But if you do try, you'd never know what would have been otherwise. Which would you choose? Would you rather try and fail? Or not try and therefore not fail? Who is to say?

Questions and questions, but we'll never know all the answers. Wonder why we presist in asking more questions.

O God, give me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, and the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Above all, always remind me that it is your hands which brings about any change, and no one else but you.