guess birthdays are always a sensitive time for me... always the painful jolt to reality- well you offered this much of yourself, so you can only expect this much... there is no one to be blamed but me. And yet i dont suppose it's a terrible turn of events- just... reality. Reality i chose. A quiet life, much family, few beloved friends, good books, sweet music. I think i know why God wanted me born on this day- to realise that it really truly is not about me.
Happy birthday Jesus. Thank you for being born. Thank you for your love, for always being there. Jesus you deserve the best... and on this day- I really do hope you'll be happy. Merry Christmas! Hugs.
Saturday 25 December 2010
Monday 20 December 2010
pure and lovely
It has been an interesting weekend away with my extended family, far from cumbersome cares of the world and society's demands of who and what you should be. So many thoughts rush through my mind as I hasten to pen my reflections down now...
We do not realise how sorely we need rest, until we allow ourselves to. I've always had a liking for hotels (I think most of us do) and until you rest your head on that soft pillow and surround yourself with that wonderful invention called a comforter in every sense of the word to take an afternoon nap, you never realise how welcome that short repose was until you awaken, refreshed. But that's not the point of this post.
During this retreat, there were 2 great aims- one plainly obvious, one unconscious, even to myself. If you've been reading this before you know of my maternal grandma grandpa in Malacca, who have yet to accept Jesus into their hearts. Since last year, my family has been making a conscious effort to share Christ with them by holding our own service, since they find the ones in church such a bore. At least when loved ones speak, one is compelled to listen. That's our reasoning anyway. So we were holding our service in the hotel room, and my aunt shared. A former devout Buddhist, she accept Christ only a few months back (I'm not exactly sure when). It was difficult times then, my autistic cousin was newly diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes Mellitus, and my uncle was struggling to make a living. My cousin was hospitalised and his blood glucose fluctuated wildly- the doctors predicted a 2-month stay in the hospital. I imagine my aunt fearful, worried, as any mother would be. Her aunt called from Australia, and being a christian, offered to pray for her. And with that prayer, my aunt's salvation was sealed, as the Holy Spirit brought her peace through the voice of a faithful daughter across the ocean, peace that transcended all understanding, even in the face of uncertainty. My cousin's blood glucose levels miraculously stabilised, and he left the hospital after 8 days. =) My uncle, striving to make ends meet for a family that sorely needed him, was working in another state, and my aunt preferred the family together under one roof, which was only natural. So she prayed and prayed, and my uncle, non-believer he was, heard a small voice by his ear, telling him to go back go back go back to his family, and after many days, he left for home, to her great joy. To top it all, she herself was blessed with much business as a hotel manager, and found herself managing to hit her quota for the year despite the odds and nearing deadline. As my aunt shared from her heart, her words borne from a grateful heart touched all who heard, and more than one set of eyes brimmed over, believer and non-believers alike.
As I listened to her speak, I saw, as though through a veil, a world painted eloquently by a womanly soul, whom I had not especially esteemed before- a world in which I had no part to play as of yet. My aunt had been a pretty girl when she dated my uncle and now was still a pretty woman. But the beauty lay deeper within. The deference in her voice as she shared to my grandpa and grandma, the loving way she called them father mother, and the sincerity in which she explained her prayers for them, struck me, once again, with the realisation that marriage is not mere romance and happily ever afters. That with marriage, comes a new set of parents, new responsibilities and new people to love as your own. My aunt, though with no great ambitions and wordly achievements, faithfully fulfilled her calling as a wife, mother and daughter, never drawing the distinction between those who were her kin and those who were only kin by marriage. "A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be made one flesh". Yes I know for all purposes and intents this verse does not quite apply here, but somehow it feels right to put it here to remind myself in the future- that his father shall be my father, and his mother be my mother, and I to love and honour them the same way I would my own parents.
I spoke of 2 great aims- the second being, the renewal and refining of my own soul and spirit. I had not admitted the weariness of my soul, even to myself, thinking that it was because I had not yet satisfied my longing for close family companionship after the year-long separation. But the truth is, I think I needed my Father, not just to help me in my times of need as He has been faithful, but also to be with me. I needed quiet time. I need quiet time. I'd read the daily bread, read the Bible dutifully, but not spent the purifying, refreshing time I needed with Him. The dear old truths in my beloved classics, that forever ring true in the old and the new, reminded me of that. Anyway, I spent the weekend perusing through Eight cousins and Rose in bloom, two of my favourite Alcott classics, and was again reminded of the desire to be 'good', in every sense of the word. Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe that a woman's highest calling is to be a comfort and joy in every home whose doorstep she treads, to be a blessing to everyone she meets, to inspire men to be better than who they are- not through promise of love, but through sincere admiration of godly character. And lofty ambition though it is, I haven't been doing that. At all. I haven't even been thinking about it for the longest time. And the reason that I haven't- I think, is because I haven't been spending time with the Daddy who would inspire such thoughts. Pure and lovely thoughts.
Time to begin again. What better time, with Christmas a-beckoning and the New Year around the corner?
Note to self: Don't crave the praises of many, but the sincere love of those who matter.
To Joshua, who may never read this: I'm truly sorry I hurt you. I hope we still are friends.
p.s. jensen remember your promise =)
We do not realise how sorely we need rest, until we allow ourselves to. I've always had a liking for hotels (I think most of us do) and until you rest your head on that soft pillow and surround yourself with that wonderful invention called a comforter in every sense of the word to take an afternoon nap, you never realise how welcome that short repose was until you awaken, refreshed. But that's not the point of this post.
During this retreat, there were 2 great aims- one plainly obvious, one unconscious, even to myself. If you've been reading this before you know of my maternal grandma grandpa in Malacca, who have yet to accept Jesus into their hearts. Since last year, my family has been making a conscious effort to share Christ with them by holding our own service, since they find the ones in church such a bore. At least when loved ones speak, one is compelled to listen. That's our reasoning anyway. So we were holding our service in the hotel room, and my aunt shared. A former devout Buddhist, she accept Christ only a few months back (I'm not exactly sure when). It was difficult times then, my autistic cousin was newly diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes Mellitus, and my uncle was struggling to make a living. My cousin was hospitalised and his blood glucose fluctuated wildly- the doctors predicted a 2-month stay in the hospital. I imagine my aunt fearful, worried, as any mother would be. Her aunt called from Australia, and being a christian, offered to pray for her. And with that prayer, my aunt's salvation was sealed, as the Holy Spirit brought her peace through the voice of a faithful daughter across the ocean, peace that transcended all understanding, even in the face of uncertainty. My cousin's blood glucose levels miraculously stabilised, and he left the hospital after 8 days. =) My uncle, striving to make ends meet for a family that sorely needed him, was working in another state, and my aunt preferred the family together under one roof, which was only natural. So she prayed and prayed, and my uncle, non-believer he was, heard a small voice by his ear, telling him to go back go back go back to his family, and after many days, he left for home, to her great joy. To top it all, she herself was blessed with much business as a hotel manager, and found herself managing to hit her quota for the year despite the odds and nearing deadline. As my aunt shared from her heart, her words borne from a grateful heart touched all who heard, and more than one set of eyes brimmed over, believer and non-believers alike.
As I listened to her speak, I saw, as though through a veil, a world painted eloquently by a womanly soul, whom I had not especially esteemed before- a world in which I had no part to play as of yet. My aunt had been a pretty girl when she dated my uncle and now was still a pretty woman. But the beauty lay deeper within. The deference in her voice as she shared to my grandpa and grandma, the loving way she called them father mother, and the sincerity in which she explained her prayers for them, struck me, once again, with the realisation that marriage is not mere romance and happily ever afters. That with marriage, comes a new set of parents, new responsibilities and new people to love as your own. My aunt, though with no great ambitions and wordly achievements, faithfully fulfilled her calling as a wife, mother and daughter, never drawing the distinction between those who were her kin and those who were only kin by marriage. "A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be made one flesh". Yes I know for all purposes and intents this verse does not quite apply here, but somehow it feels right to put it here to remind myself in the future- that his father shall be my father, and his mother be my mother, and I to love and honour them the same way I would my own parents.
I spoke of 2 great aims- the second being, the renewal and refining of my own soul and spirit. I had not admitted the weariness of my soul, even to myself, thinking that it was because I had not yet satisfied my longing for close family companionship after the year-long separation. But the truth is, I think I needed my Father, not just to help me in my times of need as He has been faithful, but also to be with me. I needed quiet time. I need quiet time. I'd read the daily bread, read the Bible dutifully, but not spent the purifying, refreshing time I needed with Him. The dear old truths in my beloved classics, that forever ring true in the old and the new, reminded me of that. Anyway, I spent the weekend perusing through Eight cousins and Rose in bloom, two of my favourite Alcott classics, and was again reminded of the desire to be 'good', in every sense of the word. Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe that a woman's highest calling is to be a comfort and joy in every home whose doorstep she treads, to be a blessing to everyone she meets, to inspire men to be better than who they are- not through promise of love, but through sincere admiration of godly character. And lofty ambition though it is, I haven't been doing that. At all. I haven't even been thinking about it for the longest time. And the reason that I haven't- I think, is because I haven't been spending time with the Daddy who would inspire such thoughts. Pure and lovely thoughts.
Time to begin again. What better time, with Christmas a-beckoning and the New Year around the corner?
Note to self: Don't crave the praises of many, but the sincere love of those who matter.
To Joshua, who may never read this: I'm truly sorry I hurt you. I hope we still are friends.
p.s. jensen remember your promise =)
Monday 13 December 2010
sleepless nights
morningless days...not good.
should i? shouldn't i? God? Anything you would like to say?
should i? shouldn't i? God? Anything you would like to say?
Monday 6 December 2010
amazing love
Thank you for answering my prayer.
Thank you for passing me.
How greedy the human heart... God help me to be content...
Great is your faithfulness.
Thank you for passing me.
How greedy the human heart... God help me to be content...
Great is your faithfulness.
Friday 26 November 2010
Wednesday 24 November 2010
reflecting on the past year
it seems only fitting to do so, after the end of this gruelling year.
Of all things, this year has been a year of learning. Learning to be independent without family, learning to cook, to wash, to clean, learning at the bedside, learning what it truly means to practice medicine. Learning what it means to trust God every step of the way.
OSCE just ended, and I know in some ways I'm being harsh on myself, but I also know I didn't do well. For the written test too. I also know deep down inside me there is a great fear, a fear of losing all that I've accomplished, losing all that I've worked so hard for. And an even greater fear, that if you ask me, if I do lose all of that this year, will I still trust God? Father you've searched my heart, you know my ways... help me Father, hear my plea, let me say that come what may, I will trust in the Lord my God my Saviour. Be still my prideful soul.
And God? I know you hear this too- PLEASE help me to pass. pretty please?
amen.
Of all things, this year has been a year of learning. Learning to be independent without family, learning to cook, to wash, to clean, learning at the bedside, learning what it truly means to practice medicine. Learning what it means to trust God every step of the way.
OSCE just ended, and I know in some ways I'm being harsh on myself, but I also know I didn't do well. For the written test too. I also know deep down inside me there is a great fear, a fear of losing all that I've accomplished, losing all that I've worked so hard for. And an even greater fear, that if you ask me, if I do lose all of that this year, will I still trust God? Father you've searched my heart, you know my ways... help me Father, hear my plea, let me say that come what may, I will trust in the Lord my God my Saviour. Be still my prideful soul.
And God? I know you hear this too- PLEASE help me to pass. pretty please?
amen.
Thursday 11 November 2010
i guess not
mock osce.
Should i go back?
Proverbs 3:6 seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
Devo says 'we don't make plans and then simply ask God to bless them. God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to.'
"Through you, I can do anything, I can do all things, for it's You who gives me strength. Nothing is impossible. I believe."
i guess i'm not going. Trust. It's not a bargain it's not a bargain it's not a bargain. Whatever happens, your will be done.
Should i go back?
Proverbs 3:6 seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
Devo says 'we don't make plans and then simply ask God to bless them. God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to.'
"Through you, I can do anything, I can do all things, for it's You who gives me strength. Nothing is impossible. I believe."
i guess i'm not going. Trust. It's not a bargain it's not a bargain it's not a bargain. Whatever happens, your will be done.
Friday 29 October 2010
all I need is You
I asked You teach me humility- I tasted humble pie again today.
I asked You to teach me to rely upon You more- you showed me the inconsistency of man.
All I need is You...
The final frontier- Lord you be Lord.
I asked You to teach me to rely upon You more- you showed me the inconsistency of man.
All I need is You...
The final frontier- Lord you be Lord.
Wednesday 20 October 2010
it's not about me
You think you've learned that lesson- it's not about who you are and what you can do but about God and his total amazingness. But you forget.
And God, kind forgiving person he is, gently reminds.
What can you say when you interpreted signs wrongly, got the diagnosis wrong and still be looked upon favourably?
Only by Your grace.
"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are. "
And God, kind forgiving person he is, gently reminds.
What can you say when you interpreted signs wrongly, got the diagnosis wrong and still be looked upon favourably?
Only by Your grace.
"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are. "
Friday 15 October 2010
a part of me
wants to ask why why why... why why why???
a part of me wants to curl up in a ball and just not face it.
a part of me wants to believe i can do it.
the rest of me says i can't.
"Whoever who calls me Lord Lord and does not do what I tell them to does not belong to me."
Father... help...
a part of me wants to curl up in a ball and just not face it.
a part of me wants to believe i can do it.
the rest of me says i can't.
"Whoever who calls me Lord Lord and does not do what I tell them to does not belong to me."
Father... help...
Wednesday 13 October 2010
Counting days.
Counting the days.They say temporary magnets lose their magnetism when the permanent magnet who magnetised them disappears from view.
Slice slice slice...
goes the hurtful blade of my imagination...
I keep bleeding.
And you bleed in consequence.
Winter. Beautiful. Mind-numbingly cold. Frostbite hurts. Father won't you make spring come faster?
Saturday 2 October 2010
temporary home
did i tell you that this is one of my favourite songs? Brought me to tears...
"This is my temporary home
it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms, where I'm just passing through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home"
~Temporary Home, Carrie Underwood~
Poignant on so many levels.
"This is my temporary home
it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms, where I'm just passing through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home"
~Temporary Home, Carrie Underwood~
Poignant on so many levels.
101th post
I didn't even realise it's been so long...
Just a reminder to myself if I come back aeons later to read my reflections- cell talked about Peter and his struggles today... Dorothy said something which really hit home- you know the verse "your word is a light unto a feet, and a lamp unto my path"? Since the light is at the feet, only when the feet start to move, can the path ahead be lighted up. So trust. And then move. Thought-provoking.
Days of stress and exams are beckoning. Father, I am afraid. Teach me to be a 'gentle, quiet spirit', waiting upon you.
I recall the days of feeling lost, and resolve to be independent.
Just a reminder to myself if I come back aeons later to read my reflections- cell talked about Peter and his struggles today... Dorothy said something which really hit home- you know the verse "your word is a light unto a feet, and a lamp unto my path"? Since the light is at the feet, only when the feet start to move, can the path ahead be lighted up. So trust. And then move. Thought-provoking.
Days of stress and exams are beckoning. Father, I am afraid. Teach me to be a 'gentle, quiet spirit', waiting upon you.
I recall the days of feeling lost, and resolve to be independent.
Saturday 11 September 2010
a place we call home
Unpredictability. Guess that's one thing that you can at least reliably predict about life. We go about our daily business, hoping to accomplish something that would matter, that would mean something to someone. You make plans. One wrong foot, and the whole thing falls to pieces in your face. Or you could live happily ever after. I'm just speaking hypothetically, not talking about romance here, though I know you're thinking it.
We were talking about 'thing's the other day. You know, like the 'thing' you're good in... you've found your thing, your niche, the stage where you shine? What if... I don't have one? I used to think I was good at writing. My childhood dream was to be an authoress like Enid Blyton, to write children's books. Guess reality and the doctor dream won. What if... I was born in a different country? What if I was of a different race and different upbringing, that would encourage big and impossible dreams? Would I have taken the plunge? Oh, and underline the word used in used to think. I saw what good writing was like, even in my secondary school, I don't think I would have made the cut. So back to my question. What if I don't have a thing? Have I not found it yet? Or is there no thing for me? Why don't I have a thing? I'm rambling...
My point is, I'm home. No matter what happens out there in that big scary not-s0-sterile ward where I can't seem to do anything right, don't have any answers when the questions come, where I just can't measure up, I'm home now. To take a breather, to muster up all the courage family love can give, and try again. I am so happy to have a place I can call home. And I take comfort that there is another home waiting for me, anytime He calls me back. I won't lie to you, I'm really afraid of dying, but I really want to go to heaven too. Daddy please remind me of that everytime I feel like I'm straying cuz I don't want to know what life is without you? Thanks...
At least that's one more thing we can predict about life. Home, now and eternal.
p/s Mr. Z with the gluteal sore and paravertebral abscess, I'm sorry about your mother's demise. I hope you're feeling better now. Happy hari raya... I'm proud of you for crying.
p/s Street people, I hope your absence on the streets means you're celebrating hari raya somewhere with your family... I really do.
Praying that everyone in this world will have a place they can call home, and the infinite comfort it brings.
We were talking about 'thing's the other day. You know, like the 'thing' you're good in... you've found your thing, your niche, the stage where you shine? What if... I don't have one? I used to think I was good at writing. My childhood dream was to be an authoress like Enid Blyton, to write children's books. Guess reality and the doctor dream won. What if... I was born in a different country? What if I was of a different race and different upbringing, that would encourage big and impossible dreams? Would I have taken the plunge? Oh, and underline the word used in used to think. I saw what good writing was like, even in my secondary school, I don't think I would have made the cut. So back to my question. What if I don't have a thing? Have I not found it yet? Or is there no thing for me? Why don't I have a thing? I'm rambling...
My point is, I'm home. No matter what happens out there in that big scary not-s0-sterile ward where I can't seem to do anything right, don't have any answers when the questions come, where I just can't measure up, I'm home now. To take a breather, to muster up all the courage family love can give, and try again. I am so happy to have a place I can call home. And I take comfort that there is another home waiting for me, anytime He calls me back. I won't lie to you, I'm really afraid of dying, but I really want to go to heaven too. Daddy please remind me of that everytime I feel like I'm straying cuz I don't want to know what life is without you? Thanks...
At least that's one more thing we can predict about life. Home, now and eternal.
p/s Mr. Z with the gluteal sore and paravertebral abscess, I'm sorry about your mother's demise. I hope you're feeling better now. Happy hari raya... I'm proud of you for crying.
p/s Street people, I hope your absence on the streets means you're celebrating hari raya somewhere with your family... I really do.
Praying that everyone in this world will have a place they can call home, and the infinite comfort it brings.
Thursday 26 August 2010
pinch
yet another.
I'm done. No more struggling.
Li it's hard... it's so damned difficult.
*watches clenched fist, loosening its grip, opening*
I'm done. No more struggling.
Li it's hard... it's so damned difficult.
*watches clenched fist, loosening its grip, opening*
Sunday 15 August 2010
不知不觉
好像, 回不了当初
好像, 我失去了我
爸爸, 把我带回来. 让我把信心, 快乐找回来.
领导我爱人, 爱你, 爱自己.
他躺在我身边, 在梦乡中, 看起来好平静.
不想再哭泣, 不想再让他难过.
真的够了.
配不配, 让你来做主.
是时候成长了, 女孩.
好像, 我失去了我
爸爸, 把我带回来. 让我把信心, 快乐找回来.
领导我爱人, 爱你, 爱自己.
他躺在我身边, 在梦乡中, 看起来好平静.
不想再哭泣, 不想再让他难过.
真的够了.
配不配, 让你来做主.
是时候成长了, 女孩.
Thursday 12 August 2010
Saturday 7 August 2010
peer pressure
you don't even know you're feeling it until it's too late.
enough.
greater things are yet to come,
greater things are still to be done.
God take the feeling away...
enough.
greater things are yet to come,
greater things are still to be done.
God take the feeling away...
Wednesday 28 July 2010
so just maybe...
I didn't do very well for MCR. But I passed. Happy =)
Speaking to the patient today, I was thinking just maybe... just maybe... I can become a real doctor. Those people who can tell what's wrong with you.
From now on I will always ask smoking history even if the patient looks like a little boy. I will also always count respiratory rate regardless of whether patient looks comfortable. That's a promise.
thank you God for seeing me through. And Li, Nicholas and mummy who prayed.
Speaking to the patient today, I was thinking just maybe... just maybe... I can become a real doctor. Those people who can tell what's wrong with you.
From now on I will always ask smoking history even if the patient looks like a little boy. I will also always count respiratory rate regardless of whether patient looks comfortable. That's a promise.
thank you God for seeing me through. And Li, Nicholas and mummy who prayed.
Thursday 22 July 2010
treasure
As I stood in bedside tonight, looking at the earnest faces around, I wondered- what is my treasure? What do the people around me treasure?
We attend lectures in late evenings and extra bedsides during free time to learn more, we go for dinners and get-togethers to bond, we watch series after series for that hot actor/actress/brain-melting entertainment... what is it we treasure? What do we hope to gain?
I see that uncle with stomach cancer so bad he's under palliative care, lying on the bed smiling so kindly at me everytime I go to see him and make conversation, he and I both knowing I'm just trying to find words to say to fill the emptiness... The girl with a brain tumor of 11 years tells me how she tried to "go home to die" instead of undergoing a surgery because she is afraid of being in a vegetative state... No wonder people become surgeons. They want to know they're doing something meaningful, they want to truly make a difference.
I know I'm not making much sense. Nicholas Grace Sarah Terence Jun Yet Tim Christine Beng Sam Hui Ruan Evonne Jo Hans Li Jonathan Suks... i treasure you. I take comfort in the fact that people dun read my blog so this is safe.
from the treasure of the heart the mouth speaks.
We attend lectures in late evenings and extra bedsides during free time to learn more, we go for dinners and get-togethers to bond, we watch series after series for that hot actor/actress/brain-melting entertainment... what is it we treasure? What do we hope to gain?
I see that uncle with stomach cancer so bad he's under palliative care, lying on the bed smiling so kindly at me everytime I go to see him and make conversation, he and I both knowing I'm just trying to find words to say to fill the emptiness... The girl with a brain tumor of 11 years tells me how she tried to "go home to die" instead of undergoing a surgery because she is afraid of being in a vegetative state... No wonder people become surgeons. They want to know they're doing something meaningful, they want to truly make a difference.
I know I'm not making much sense. Nicholas Grace Sarah Terence Jun Yet Tim Christine Beng Sam Hui Ruan Evonne Jo Hans Li Jonathan Suks... i treasure you. I take comfort in the fact that people dun read my blog so this is safe.
from the treasure of the heart the mouth speaks.
Saturday 17 July 2010
Monday 12 July 2010
interesting interesting...
Yesterday was an interesting day indeed.
Pastor talked about being present. Not being here but thinking of what I need to do there, but to focus my mind on right here right now.
I had a good lunch with close friends I haven't talked to in a long time.
I signed up for ballroom dancing classes.
I clerked a patient with undiagnosed bloody diarrhoea and one month abdominal pain. Colonoscopy and OGDS reveal no lesions.
I entered the operating theatre for the first time in my life, dressed up like Gray's anatomy people and watched 2 surgeries. Finger attachment and a LeFort I. Stayed there from 730pm-1230am on a Sunday night. You have to respect the surgeons.
Stayed up to watch Spain and Holland fight it out. Slept at 5am.
Woke up for discussion on chronic liver disease for 3.5 hours. And enjoyed myself thoroughly.
MCRs are coming up. Am I whole-hearted about what I do? Will I be?
God help me.
Pastor talked about being present. Not being here but thinking of what I need to do there, but to focus my mind on right here right now.
I had a good lunch with close friends I haven't talked to in a long time.
I signed up for ballroom dancing classes.
I clerked a patient with undiagnosed bloody diarrhoea and one month abdominal pain. Colonoscopy and OGDS reveal no lesions.
I entered the operating theatre for the first time in my life, dressed up like Gray's anatomy people and watched 2 surgeries. Finger attachment and a LeFort I. Stayed there from 730pm-1230am on a Sunday night. You have to respect the surgeons.
Stayed up to watch Spain and Holland fight it out. Slept at 5am.
Woke up for discussion on chronic liver disease for 3.5 hours. And enjoyed myself thoroughly.
MCRs are coming up. Am I whole-hearted about what I do? Will I be?
God help me.
Friday 9 July 2010
little things
1. i have amazing housemates.
2. i have wonderful permanent residents.
3. surgeons aren't exactly the nicest people in the world, but they command respect.
4. God has answered my prayer again.
5. I will be content.
6. Did I tell you my boyfriend is the most patient, kindest person in the world?
7. He really is.
8. With God, these 4-5 months in surgery will count for something.
9. i will be compassionate and think for my patients.
10. i love my family to bits.
11. i will not judge.
12. i will be secure.
2. i have wonderful permanent residents.
3. surgeons aren't exactly the nicest people in the world, but they command respect.
4. God has answered my prayer again.
5. I will be content.
6. Did I tell you my boyfriend is the most patient, kindest person in the world?
7. He really is.
8. With God, these 4-5 months in surgery will count for something.
9. i will be compassionate and think for my patients.
10. i love my family to bits.
11. i will not judge.
12. i will be secure.
Sunday 27 June 2010
Wednesday 9 June 2010
when it's all about me
this is what happens. Seriously. What were you thinking Rachel Ooi. Screamed enough, cried enough, it's enough.
right now i really can hardly breathe.
i need to continue ranting. why don't i care enough anymore? where is your passion? really, it's time to stop doing things for myself. He is no fool who loses what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose. pride, into the trash you go.
confidence.
It's time to put your foot down. It's time to start believing and trusting.
Take a chance
walk that dance.
i think a teratoma is not a bad thing to be.
right now i really can hardly breathe.
i need to continue ranting. why don't i care enough anymore? where is your passion? really, it's time to stop doing things for myself. He is no fool who loses what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose. pride, into the trash you go.
confidence.
It's time to put your foot down. It's time to start believing and trusting.
Take a chance
walk that dance.
i think a teratoma is not a bad thing to be.
Saturday 5 June 2010
street feeding
I woke up at 630am on a Saturday morning. A rare occasion, unless it was one of those days where I was semangat enough to go practice venepuncture at the outpatient clinic. Which has only happened once.
It was almost surreal walking along the street in the early morning, looking for homeless people to give food to. It's even surreal writing about it, I'm not sure why. I'm amazed that this programme is the brainchild of my contemporaries- a simple idea- to go out, feed a few hungry mouths, engage them in conversation, identify their needs, come up with a long-term solution for their problems.
People need people. One of them teared up as we spoke to him- a drinker husband chased out of his home. I guess he just needed someone to talk to. I was just thinking- I think it's so nice of me to sacrifice my sleep to feed a few homeless people, but it takes so much more courage and humility on their part to accept the offering, to admit they need help.
I keep telling myself- it's just a week more. A week more before I go back to being princess in my own home, to be surrounded by all my family comfort and love. Will I make this week worthwhile? Will I concentrate on trusting and pleasing my Daddy this week?
"Right now I can hardly breathe.."
"You can do it, just know that I believe.."
"And that's all I really need~"
"So come on, it's time to turn it up~"
Game on =)
It was almost surreal walking along the street in the early morning, looking for homeless people to give food to. It's even surreal writing about it, I'm not sure why. I'm amazed that this programme is the brainchild of my contemporaries- a simple idea- to go out, feed a few hungry mouths, engage them in conversation, identify their needs, come up with a long-term solution for their problems.
People need people. One of them teared up as we spoke to him- a drinker husband chased out of his home. I guess he just needed someone to talk to. I was just thinking- I think it's so nice of me to sacrifice my sleep to feed a few homeless people, but it takes so much more courage and humility on their part to accept the offering, to admit they need help.
I keep telling myself- it's just a week more. A week more before I go back to being princess in my own home, to be surrounded by all my family comfort and love. Will I make this week worthwhile? Will I concentrate on trusting and pleasing my Daddy this week?
"Right now I can hardly breathe.."
"You can do it, just know that I believe.."
"And that's all I really need~"
"So come on, it's time to turn it up~"
Game on =)
Saturday 22 May 2010
thoughts
Cell lesson spoke today. Deeply.
I never would've thought of it, but I guess I was feeling it. The spirit of heaviness, enfolding me. I see it so clearly in my previous post.
Not heaviness, but the spirit of praise.
Ashes to beauty.
Sorrow to joy.
I hear Dr Sivalal's voice in my head, "be more positive!"
So God help me.
p/s I'm excited about kids' ministry =)
I never would've thought of it, but I guess I was feeling it. The spirit of heaviness, enfolding me. I see it so clearly in my previous post.
Not heaviness, but the spirit of praise.
Ashes to beauty.
Sorrow to joy.
I hear Dr Sivalal's voice in my head, "be more positive!"
So God help me.
p/s I'm excited about kids' ministry =)
Wednesday 19 May 2010
the fog's coming
washing over me
i know i can't let it take control
not now
not ever actually
i want to stand in the gap
between the living and the dead
give me a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
i need you
teach me to lean on you
i can't do it without you
father take the fog away
brush away the darkness like only you can
it's too much
the silence muffling my desperate scream
shine your light
lead the way
i know i can't let it take control
not now
not ever actually
i want to stand in the gap
between the living and the dead
give me a heart of compassion
for a world without vision
i need you
teach me to lean on you
i can't do it without you
father take the fog away
brush away the darkness like only you can
it's too much
the silence muffling my desperate scream
shine your light
lead the way
Monday 17 May 2010
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory
what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still?
Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, freezing. I've been meaning to blog for a century or so, but never had the time or the words. Not like I do now... but still... surely a whole posting in medicine has to merit 1 post.
Let me paint you a picture. It's a hot Tuesday morning, the sunlight streaming in through the window panes and thin cotton curtains. A girl walks in, hair bunched into a messy ponytail, looking slightly flustered and half-asleep. You wonder how she manages under that thick, slightly stained lab coat of hers and read her nametag- medical student. She enters the busy bustling hospital ward filled with patients of all races and medical personnel on their ward rounds, too busy to even spare her a glance. Not that she was worth looking at or listening to, at any rate. She goes over to the disarray of patient files carelessly put at a corner, reaches out for a few patient files, reads a couple, running her finger over the almost illegible handwriting and suddenly she stops, her finger at a standstill. She looks up and locates the bed at which the particular patient is lying. The patient feels her stare and returns it. She bites her lip, smiles tentatively at the patient, breathes a quick prayer, and nears the patient with fake bravado, all the while quaking in her shoes. In broken Malay she tries her best to speak to the patient and make him feel at his ease. After 15 minutes or so, she has exhausted all her questions. She then asks if she could examine him. The patient looks ready to refuse, but seeing her pleading gaze, he sighs and allows. She closes the curtains and observes the patient. The patient shuts his eyes in silent resignation. She reaches out for his hand and the rigmarole begins. Five minutes later she shoves open the curtains and heartily thanks the patient. The patient thanks her, and they both breathe a sigh of relief. As she walks away she again feels the weight of her inadequacy of knowledge and skill.
Haha I read back and realise I've painted such a sombre picture. It isn't. Talking to patients is fun I think, just not so much when it comes to their medical condition. At least that's what I feel...
Things I've learnt this year
1. you can never stop learning
2. I can go longer without shopping than I ever thought I could
3. I don't know how to manage studies and friendship together
4. I can't live without family
5. Dr. DeBakey only slept 2 hours every night
6. I don't know how to socialise
7. I can cook without burning the kitchen and the food
8. you can never love enough
9. I can't manage without God
10. I should stop trying to
11. I think pj is the best place on earth
12. you can't learn medicine in 4 months
13. I hate ironing clothes
14. I don't try enough to show people I care
15. I need to try harder, care more
16. I thank God and mummy I can speak mandarin
17. I miss my grandma so much
18. Teh ais is one of the best drinks in the world
19. I am so loved.
20. Jesus didn't have favourites, John just recognised that he was loved by Him.
And off I go to the wards again... so you're not alone. =)
what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still?
Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, freezing. I've been meaning to blog for a century or so, but never had the time or the words. Not like I do now... but still... surely a whole posting in medicine has to merit 1 post.
Let me paint you a picture. It's a hot Tuesday morning, the sunlight streaming in through the window panes and thin cotton curtains. A girl walks in, hair bunched into a messy ponytail, looking slightly flustered and half-asleep. You wonder how she manages under that thick, slightly stained lab coat of hers and read her nametag- medical student. She enters the busy bustling hospital ward filled with patients of all races and medical personnel on their ward rounds, too busy to even spare her a glance. Not that she was worth looking at or listening to, at any rate. She goes over to the disarray of patient files carelessly put at a corner, reaches out for a few patient files, reads a couple, running her finger over the almost illegible handwriting and suddenly she stops, her finger at a standstill. She looks up and locates the bed at which the particular patient is lying. The patient feels her stare and returns it. She bites her lip, smiles tentatively at the patient, breathes a quick prayer, and nears the patient with fake bravado, all the while quaking in her shoes. In broken Malay she tries her best to speak to the patient and make him feel at his ease. After 15 minutes or so, she has exhausted all her questions. She then asks if she could examine him. The patient looks ready to refuse, but seeing her pleading gaze, he sighs and allows. She closes the curtains and observes the patient. The patient shuts his eyes in silent resignation. She reaches out for his hand and the rigmarole begins. Five minutes later she shoves open the curtains and heartily thanks the patient. The patient thanks her, and they both breathe a sigh of relief. As she walks away she again feels the weight of her inadequacy of knowledge and skill.
Haha I read back and realise I've painted such a sombre picture. It isn't. Talking to patients is fun I think, just not so much when it comes to their medical condition. At least that's what I feel...
Things I've learnt this year
1. you can never stop learning
2. I can go longer without shopping than I ever thought I could
3. I don't know how to manage studies and friendship together
4. I can't live without family
5. Dr. DeBakey only slept 2 hours every night
6. I don't know how to socialise
7. I can cook without burning the kitchen and the food
8. you can never love enough
9. I can't manage without God
10. I should stop trying to
11. I think pj is the best place on earth
12. you can't learn medicine in 4 months
13. I hate ironing clothes
14. I don't try enough to show people I care
15. I need to try harder, care more
16. I thank God and mummy I can speak mandarin
17. I miss my grandma so much
18. Teh ais is one of the best drinks in the world
19. I am so loved.
20. Jesus didn't have favourites, John just recognised that he was loved by Him.
And off I go to the wards again... so you're not alone. =)
Friday 26 March 2010
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