'tis yesterday once more

for the want of a nail,
the shoe was lost
for the want of a shoe,
the horse was lost
for the want of a horse,
the knight was lost
for the want of a knight
the battle was lost.

At what cost darling? At what cost?

The dried yellowed leaves crackled beneath her feet
broken boughs, a withered rose
let it all loose! who will she meet?

a tale, told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.

all our yesterdays have lighted fools...

would you rather seem a greater fool than you are, or be a greater fool than you seem?

lose all that i've gained,
to gain what i cannot lose.

god you have control.

quarantined

That familiar rich shade of red. As she reaches out to finger each exquisite petal, the sunlight glistens off a lone raindrop, perched precariously on the edge of an expanse of green. Biting her lip, she hesitates. For the first time, she realises, in full measure, the cruel significance of every innocent-looking thorn.

Looking heavenward, she thanks God for the pane of glass distancing her from it.

That drop might fall; it might not; the decision was not hers to make, but His.

"These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full."

So tired of feeling...

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

Moving on

"Why can't things remain the same...?"
"I guess things just don't. People move on..."

Change, one would think, is the only constant in the universe.

The girl stopped in her tracks and turns her head. Precious moments flash past her~

Solitary, she walks to the canteen. A voice remarks from behind, "you would never know even if you were being followed..." Warmth fills her heart. The old has gone, but there is hope for the new.

******

The three of them stand up from the lunch table. She goes off to the stall. Feeling a presence, she turns and sees his smile. Even if they didn't have much to say, he still accompanied her.

******

Her phone beeps. A new sms. "You mean the garbage to me too k? Smile =)" Touched by how you simply just care. Always want to see you smiling...

******

"If you wanna go I'll go with you k? Really do wanna spend time with you..." Despite all I've done and said, you still care. So deeply grateful for you dear...

*******

"Don't need scared k? Trust me." I always did, always will.

*******

*Groans* She hugs her, puts her head against her shoulder and smiles up at her pouting face. Your company means so much to me...

*******

"See la this girl palpate my axillary lymph nodes then palpate my chest.." He complains. Thank you for always bearing with me...

*******

"See again you never sit next to me. Always I have to make the first step..." He moves across the table and takes his place next to her. Your every effort means so much...

*******

"You okay? Come here..." She gives her a hug that squeezes all the breath out of her.

*******

"Aww... hug hug..." Her fragrant scent fills her nostrils. "Even if it's all we have time for."

*******

"How are you girl? Don't worry k? Trust God..." I always underestimate how much I need you.

*******

"Cuz you're one of the few close friends I have, so you kinda mean a lot to me, so I just wanted to know..." You always made time for me... thank you.

********

"And how are you?" Never know how you still manage to care... you, the busiest and most stressed person in the entire world. Whatever you're going through, I'm supporting you.

********

"Only you can really bian tai with me... Miss you so much..." I miss you too. More than you know.

********

Looking back, she smiles.

What a hectic semester it has been.
Change is not the only constant.
God is.
Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God... nothing.

Through every one of them, God loved her.
She fervently wished she had loved them more.

The wind blows, whipping her hair away from her face. Tendrils of hair tease her cheek.

A voice whispers, "there is still time..."

She thinks of their faces smiling at her. She is so blessed...

The girl turns back to face the path ahead. Squaring her shoulders, with a faint smile, she walks on.


p.s. life, should be way more than just you and me.

little women

One of my favourite books of all time. I just reread it for the umpteenth time. A book which inspires us to be good, in the truest sense of the word, to sow love in the people around you, because love is its own reward.

-
-
-

Just the other night I was sitting in my corner trying to make new year resolutions and I realised... I was 20. Another page had been flipped, and I've arrived at a new chapter altogether. In the next 10 years the biggest and most momentous decisions of my life would be made, and the course of my future would be set. Scary thought...

-
-

My New Year's Eve was spent very differently this year, and amidst all the wishes and smiles, my mind couldn't stop reliving the past. And I realised. We all have different ways of looking back at our bygones. Some people face it squarely head-on, some people run. I'd always thought I've been a brave girl so far, but for once I chose to be honest with myself and God. More honest than I'd been all year anyway.

The truth is... I hide from the past. From painful memories. From shameful truth. I don't even have the guts to run. I just stand there, rooted to the spot, like a deer caught in the headlights, and I shut my eyes so that the ugliness around me would disappear.

-

The old man and woman to whom I waved goodbye, promising to visit often and pray for.
One visit and lightning prayers were all I could spare.

The friend with whom I thought we had a special friendship which could overcome the challenges of time and distance.
I let my disappointment that I was one of the last to know overwhelm me.

The woman who loved her little girl so much she tried to protect her against every emotional pitfall.
I reciprocate with defiance.

The Father to whom I promised to love forever.
I give him 15 minutes of my time each day. And it's almost always me rambling on and on.

The brood of cousins who look up to her for encouragement, love and guidance.
She treats them like digital pets. Tended to only when free.

The guy with whom she thought she could spend forever with.
They haven't exchanged words in the past year.

The friends whose departure I'd cried over and promised to stay in touch with.
My excuse: too little time.

The church she thought she'd get married in.
It feels more like a building than a family.

-

Everyone has issues. Some people try to work them out. I bemoan their existence and hope that it's enough to make it go away. What do you do with what hurts you? The world tells you to shut them out, to be strong. If you don't let them in they can't hurt you. What do you do?

All things work together for the good of those who love Him, according to His word. So so very true:

The course of study she'd hesitated so much over. Unwilling to forgo dreams for a calling.
The peace she found when she surrendered.

The university she thought she was meant to study at and the disappointment at its rejection.
The love and friendship she now possesses that she wouldn't exchange for anything in the world.

The ministry she'd devoted her time to as a backup option.
The joy she has every time those sweet voices sing with their hearts.
Their innocent friendship.

-

Sometimes we think we know what we want so badly, and we just damnit won't let go until we have it. What I've learnt is things fall naturally into their place, if we let time run its proper course. We do our part, and we trust.

I CANNOT begin to tell you how afraid I am of year 2. So you're not alone =)

-
-

Oh I finished How I Met Your Mother season 3. They say what and who you treasure most will flash before your eyes when death is moments away. What would flash before yours? =)

-

Parting note:

Holding a hand of each, and watching the two young faces wistfully, Mrs. March said, in her serious yet cheery way . . .

"I want my daughters to be beautiful, accomplished, and good. To be admired, loved, and respected. To have a happy youth, to be well and wisely married, and to lead useful, pleasant lives, with as little care and sorrow to try them as God sees fit to send.

To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it, Meg, right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy... "

"Poor girls don't stand any chance, Belle says, unless they put themselves forward," sighed Meg.

"Then we'll be old maids," said Jo stoutly.

"Right, Jo. Better be happy old maids than unhappy wives, or unmaidenly girls, running about to find husbands," said Mrs. March decidedly. "Don't be troubled, Meg, poverty seldom daunts a sincere lover. Some of the best and most honored women I know were poor girls, but so love-worthy that they were not allowed to be old maids. Leave these things to time. Make this home happy, so that you may be fit for homes of your own, if they are offered you, and contented here if they are not. One thing remember, my girls. Mother is always ready to be your confidant, Father to be your friend, and both of us hope and trust that our daughters, whether married or single, will be the pride and comfort of our lives."

Poverty. How often we forget how rich we are in home comforts.


May this new year be truly happy.

Never meant to be this way

You ask me if I love you
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
in what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to run, even fly
lest I just break down and cry
I want to kneel and pray
till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
lost though she knows the truth
A hesitant prize fighter
still trapped within my youth

At times I wish You'd break me
and drive me to my knees
At times I'd like to break through
and You'd hold me endlessly
At times I understand You
and I know how hard You try
I watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but the cycle begins again

Borrowed from Dan Hill. Patrik asked me to define emo. Well I think this is it. Not the most, but definitely in the category. When you write not to provoke thought, when you write not to encourage and build up. But when you write dark unhealthy thoughts in sombre moods.

-
-
-

Sarah sang me this song on my birthday celebration.

In a while, in a word
Every moment now returns
For a while, seen or heard
How each memory softly burns
Facing you who brings me new tomorrows
I thank God for yesterdays
How they led me to this very hour
How they led me to this place

I once read that the most blissful of happy moments is the moment when you can look back on your yesterdays. Smile faintly. And say, "I was once blissfully happy".

In the last few days of 2008, can you honestly say you are at peace with your yesterdays? Can you thank God for every yesterday?

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God...

...and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

It's never meant this much to me before. Not peace of my own making Father, but Yours.

Daydreams~

Finally. The exams are over. Well technically speaking they've been over for a week and a half =P Life at home is certainly different. Quiet perhaps, but I like it =)

Lately I've been watching a lot of taiwan and hongkong dramas, not to mention High School Musical 3. But sometimes... I just wonder how many of these shows can I take before I implode. Don't get me wrong, these shows are incredibly... *swoons*. It's just that... they lift you up and twirl you into this fantasy of romance and beauty and you start spinning sweet daydreams in your imagination~ Then The End is artistically inscribed on the screen, and you hit reality with a painful thud. And all you're left with is this faint dull ache, wishing that it could all be true.. With every show the ache might just deepen..

Inspired by and dedicated to 2 dear friends:

Redefinition

The intricate line that sets them apart-

the bridge which joins heart to heart

Her voice cries out

“Father…”

Silence richer than the spoken word

Blooms a lone white lily, open to hurt

Louder than a shout

His tear, unshed.

Dare they trespass a plane so narrow

Willfulness unfolding, threatens to grow

All halts at one gentle command

“Wait on Me…”

Comforted, secure to complete the race

Together, separate, imperfect in grace

Patient, unselfish, never failing

Through His Fire

Love, redefined.

The quote I wanted to share the other day:

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

~Anne of Avonlea~

Perhaps that's how we should all begin. But not all of us have to end the same way =)

I reread my post dated 21st April 2007. I guess some things just don't change.

-

-

-

Okay I've rambled enough. I'll get to the point of the post today. A simple UPDATE. But since there's so little to tell I'll introduce some of the people who've made all the difference in life in medical school. In chronological order:

At Grace's birthday dinner. Lame King Daniel.

Dearest Sarah.

Jun Yet living his dream. JY do you know we haven't had a photo of just the 2 of us in a long time??

Last day of the semester- my group's theme: Bollywood.

Darling Evonne.

Ex-taiwan-drama-hater Patrik.

Supermodel Samantha.

Guy on the left. Nicholas either we haven't been taking many photos together or they've gone missing. Or maybe we were too lazy to collect. C =)

At the MUMEDS formal dinner. My hot Grace.

Tim =)

Terence and Nicholas' farewell.
Guy from right. Fashion expert Terence. Who both saved and touched me in 2 days consecutively.
Ter I don't have a single photo of us since LAST sem's last day! =(

The spectacular view the night of formal dinner.

There're still some more. But some are camera-shy and some... well... I guess maybe we were too caught up to take any.

OH for my dear far-off friends who don't know, I got JPA. All glory to God.

-
-

Moving on. Shows I'm currently watching:

It Started With a Kiss. Yes I am rewatching this. So what? It's soo sweet!

Romantic Princess.

Moonlight Resonance.

Shows I've finished watching:

Speech of Silence.

How I Met Your Mother Season 2.
My heart broke when they broke up.

I know some things happen for the best.. I know he eventually meets the mother...

But IT'S STILL HORRIBLE. EVIL SCRIPTWRITER!!!

Thank God for these 2. Still going strong.

Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all

Now won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

And with every step together
We just keep on getting better

*Sighs*
*Slaps self*
WAKE UP!!

-
-

Take my love- my God, I pour
At thy feet its treasure store.
~Francis Ridley Havergal~

There is a longing only You can fill
A raging temptest only You can still
My soul is thirsty Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before your throne

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

By all means, take me deeper.

Myriad.

It's the party to end all parties. And by some miracle, you secured an invitation.

You slink into the room, pour yourself a drink, take out your handphone and pretend to look busy. All around you are beautiful people, dressed to the nines, laughing as though they didn't have a care in the world.

There she comes. That amazingly sweet girl. The hit of the entire school. The girl every guy liked and every girl wanted to be like. The girl even girls loved to hang out with because she was lovable and simply earnestly sincere. The girl who'd never be alone because everyone wanted to spend time with her.

I've always wondered. What would it feel like being her? What is it that makes her tick? What is it that's so special about her that I can't help liking her? God if you gave everyone a role in life to play, why couldn't you have given me her role? Why am I always the on the sidelines? When will be my turn God? Will it ever be? God you said you are a fair God but where is the justice in this??

Yes I admit. Childish. Selfish. Mean.

Inside me this quiet voice speaks-

"If I had given you her role, would you still be able to understand how those on the sidelines feel?"

And this random thought just flew in-

"You are on the sidelines in her story, but she is on the sidelines in your story. I am fair. Focus on the ultimate Story."

And this verse comes to mind-

"Yet the house of Israel says, ‘The way of the Lord is not fair.’ O house of Israel, is it not My ways which are fair, and your ways which are not fair? Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways,' says the Lord God." Ezekiel 18:29-30

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord.'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways,And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Sigh. Trial and error. And error. And error.

"What matters most is you don't stop trying.."

I think... you could have all the Bible verses at your fingertips but yet still feel totally lost and miserable.

"Have faith, Rachel... have faith!" I hear Li's voice in my head.

-

-

-

-

Confession time: I'm in the poetry emo mood.

Jensen dear in case you're wondering why is Rachel constantly emo-ing in her blog it's because she almost never blogs unless she is.

Written in the wee hours one cold morning: Shelf

A whisper floated that star studded night

Your voice speaks gently by her ear

"Cherish the moment come what it might..

Child, what is it you really fear?"

Fear? This word she ponders, quiet, shy

"Perhaps I do..." softly, eyes towards the sky

"Love, child, love... where is your faith?"

The greatest is love, thus He saith.

"Future, Father, love itself.

How? When? Will I be placed on the shelf?"

"You seek to understand what you cannot, my dear..

Child, love, perfect, casts out fear."

Written at the eleventh hour after a heartwarming birthday celebration: Value

Within such wealth infinite emptiness

One can't help wonder- paranoia

Mystery.

Beneath the facade of joy insecurity

Sincerity's all a blind

Rubbish.

Ponder the depth the meaning behind

How long will you spare- unveil the mask?

Value.

What if you set a price so high, no one can afford?

... But child, I paid the highest price...

......

Value.

Can't get it out my head Daniel~

To publish a mandarin story would be a dream fulfilled. When itch just became too much: 累

五：

一封你收不到的信，该如何写起。

复杂的感觉，预言又止。我好累，好累。

是我错了吗？在你眼中我是何等卑微，别人称赞我多才多艺善解人意，在你眼中，我谁也不是。我真的真的曾经努力过，试图在你心中掀起涟漪，可是我做不到！

你背对着我离开，难过排山倒海涌过来 。我，无能为力。每一滴眼泪，一丝酸楚， 在你眼底变得无影无形。

寂寞与悲愤的挣扎中，我两败俱伤。好厌恶在你拥抱中寻找幸福的自己，好看不起为你的快乐赔上感情的我。就算我的天空只剩下一片空白，无蓝天，无云朵，这是最后一封了。

五，你赢了，虽然这不是一场比赛。

六 停笔。

-

-

-

-

-

Next topic.

I've always thought people are like geometrical shapes.

You can be square, octagonal, triangular, round, oval... Some people are incredibly easy to get along with- they are round. Anywhere they go they roll along smoothly without obstruction.

Some people are more difficult- they have angles. They trudge with their elbows out, occasionally hurting the unsuspecting passerby, and some, hurt more than others. More often than not, they get hurt themselves.

I think most of us belong to the second category. I hands down do. If you search deep inside me, you'd probably dig out a whole sack full of self hatred, which I'm not sure I don't rightfully deserve.

The unintentional experiment has proved its point. Life without God, is terrible. With the simple words of my tongue, and sometimes even unspoken, I've hurt so many in the past few days. And been hurt in return. Fair, so no complaints here.

In my msn nickname I've used the phrase "in the grip of Grace" for years, but today I realise how naive I was. Being saved, I considered myself to be constantly in the grip of grace, that by grace I was forgiven and that was it. But I forgot that being in the grip of grace meant I was called to be gracious as well. To be gracious. To speak only when needed but to constantly listen.

Grace. Simple word. Complex connotation.

How often do I extend God-given grace to the people around me?

Time to learn. Join me? =)

Looking through Your eyes

For those who've been checking this page in vain, I'm sorry for the complete silence.

I've always loved blogging, but lately... it's been getting tough. Sometimes there's just nothing to say, and sometimes there's too much...

Just suddenly, you realise that the blogging realm isn't your own private cocoon, and there are unforgiving eyes reading your innermost thoughts and judging.

And you chaff yourself for idealistically thinking that the world's a beautiful place- all sunshine and four-leaf clover~

where men and women could walk hand in hand like the boys and girls of yesteryear...
where every hurt could be soothed away, every tear wiped dry...
where only words of love flowed abundantly...
where innocence and warmth prevailed...

I guess what I'm trying to say is... my last few weeks weren't the greatest, hence the last Frustration post. There was hurt, unforgiveness, envy, pain... and I, priding myself a mature young woman, took it like a child. Like a spoilt brat.



But He changed it all.



In church that fateful Sunday, pastor was talking about grace.

Everyone needs compassion

a love that's never ending

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness

the kindness of a savior

The hope of nations

Savior

He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

Indeed. Everyone needs compassion. Everyone needs forgiveness. Mercy fell upon me once again that morning.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

***************************

We had an intriguing discussion a few centuries back at Carl's Junior.

Assuming this was possible, would you marry yourself?

Come on, think with me!! It's a fascinating topic!!

-

-

-

-

-

Okay okay... I can hear the flies buzzing. Laugh k... it's funny =P

Alright I'll get on with it.

Almost all of us dream of marrying the right someone, having cute kids and growing old together... but the thought of marriage- to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part... beautiful, and yet scary. Guess I'm not ready.


Back to the question.

Makes you really start to think about how you see yourself huh.. You mentally tick off your good points and flaws and slowly weigh and consider (if you're as bored as I am). Personal stock check session. Then you have the answer- of how in love with yourself you are =P


Then it gets a bit more serious. And you start to wonder what does God think of you. Scary road to go down. At least for me.

Then this love song comes to mind... and suddenly it's not eros love, but agape...

God sings:

Look at the sky

Tell me what do you see
Just close your eyes and describe it to me

The heavens are sparkling with starlight tonight

That's what I see through your eyes

I sing:

Here in the night I see the sun

Here in the dark our two hearts are one

It's out of my hands

I can't stop what You have begun

And love just took me by surprise

Looking through Your eyes

I look at myself

And instead I see us

Whoever I am now it feels like enough

And I see a girl who is learning to trust

That's who I see through Your eyes

You and I sing:

And there are some things we don't know

Sometimes a heart just needs to go

And there is so much I'll remember

Underneath the open sky with You forever

*sighs*

So easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment,

and dwindle down the next...

So simple to write thought-provoking heartwarming sentences,

yet so hard to mean every word written...

**************************

So take me as you find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

**************************

Ultimately...

Peace...

And the world?

It's still a beautiful place- all sunshine and four leaf clover...

Men and women will still walk hand in hand like the boys and girls of yesteryear...

Every hurt can still be soothed, every tear wiped dry...

Words of love will still flow abundantly...

Innocence and warmth will still prevail...

Why?

I guess it's a matter of perspective.

And divine intervention =)

Now if I could just keep holding onto this joy~

-

-

-

-

oh

oh

oh

oh

I almost forgot.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY GRACE TAY HUI LING!!

P.S. terence faster post up photos!! but no rush =)

Frustration

Peace, you said.

Peace…

A raging tempest.
A deafening whirpool.
The cricket stares on.

Mute.

Blind.

Hearing intact.

Loneliness cloaked him
but he was lonely no more.
Blessed solitude…

The cricket stares on.

The velvet blackness around him
Deep fulfillment within him
Strangely empty

The waves crashing in.
Trust ebbing away.
Impending rage.
Gloom.


Finally… peace.

But you were wrong.

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

Father you are King over the flood
I will be still
know you are God