Fresh perspective

Reading the musings of others, it pains me to realise how little substance I've written in the past few years. It seems as though the wisdom of the ages rings as true in the new as it did in the old- that the more I know, the less I understand. Of myself, of God, of the future, of the bigger picture. I frantically grasp at straws, at anything that will breathe new life, new spirit into this broken shell. It cannot be that with the first real disappointment in my life, I pine and waste my days away. Reading back at my old emails, at how my innocent sharing inspired an uncle to continue serving, recalling the old dreams and ambitions, You remind me that there is so much more to accomplish, so much more fruit to be harvested, if only I am ready to be used. The truth of the matter is- far from it. I feel as though I am so tired of trying and fighting, of trying to find a silver lining. At the moment I cannot say- if I were to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Because I would? I cannot even say that with certainty. It is no wonder that they say it is not mistakes that kill, but indecision. Why is there indecision? Because of the fear of disappointment, the fear of failure. The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. My dear girl, it is really not about you.

Found this song that touches me deeply

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0W1xKA0TEtY&feature=share 

In the midst of preparing the lesson for sunday school this coming week, I came across this story online. To bring new life to it, I think this storyteller needs to dig deep first. 

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for GOD to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood and long grass to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. “GOD, how could you do this to me?” he cried.

Early the next day he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island.

It had come to rescue him. “How did you know I was here?” asked the weary man of his rescuers. “We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.

It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because GOD is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain, and suffering.

Remember that, the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of GOD.

May these ramblings produce some fruitful work. 

I bow my heart I bend my knee
O Spirit come make me humble
I turn my eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord I cast down my idols

So give me clean hands
give me a pure heart
Let me not lift my soul to another
O God let me be
part of a generation that seeks Your face 

Your will, Your plan

I know I've been holding back every time that twinge of envy comes when I read a facebook post on how they are living it up down there.

I know I still fiercely want my way when I look at my lists of hospitals and find it so difficult to delete it off my desktop.

I know I'm still in denial when I have to fight to get the words out on where and when I'm going next.

I know I'm not giving my all when I say Your will be done but say amen half-heartedly.


In this new year of fruitfulness and faithfulness, God tear this longing from my heart and plant a fresher, deeper longing for what You want. Truly You have gone before me and know that this is best for me. More of you and less of me, so that it might be easier to want what you want. It's hard to say it, but thank You, for reaching down and slamming the door in my face. For caring enough about puny little me to reach all the way down. I want to trust that Your plan is best.