It's the party to end all parties. And by some miracle, you secured an invitation.
You slink into the room, pour yourself a drink, take out your handphone and pretend to look busy. All around you are beautiful people, dressed to the nines, laughing as though they didn't have a care in the world.
There she comes. That amazingly sweet girl. The hit of the entire school. The girl every guy liked and every girl wanted to be like. The girl even girls loved to hang out with because she was lovable and simply earnestly sincere. The girl who'd never be alone because everyone wanted to spend time with her.
I've always wondered. What would it feel like being her? What is it that makes her tick? What is it that's so special about her that I can't help liking her? God if you gave everyone a role in life to play, why couldn't you have given me her role? Why am I always the on the sidelines? When will be my turn God? Will it ever be? God you said you are a fair God but where is the justice in this??
Yes I admit. Childish. Selfish. Mean.
Inside me this quiet voice speaks-
"If I had given you her role, would you still be able to understand how those on the sidelines feel?"
And this random thought just flew in-
"You are on the sidelines in her story, but she is on the sidelines in your story. I am fair. Focus on the ultimate Story."
And this verse comes to mind-
"Yet the house of Israel says, ‘The way of the Lord is not fair.’ O house of Israel, is it not My ways which are fair, and your ways which are not fair? Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways,' says the Lord God." Ezekiel 18:29-30
"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord.'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways,And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
Sigh. Trial and error. And error. And error.
"What matters most is you don't stop trying.."
I think... you could have all the Bible verses at your fingertips but yet still feel totally lost and miserable.
"Have faith, Rachel... have faith!" I hear Li's voice in my head.
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Confession time: I'm in the poetry emo mood.
Jensen dear in case you're wondering why is Rachel constantly emo-ing in her blog it's because she almost never blogs unless she is.
Written in the wee hours one cold morning: Shelf
A whisper floated that star studded night
Your voice speaks gently by her ear
"Cherish the moment come what it might..
Child, what is it you really fear?"
Fear? This word she ponders, quiet, shy
"Perhaps I do..." softly, eyes towards the sky
"Love, child, love... where is your faith?"
The greatest is love, thus He saith.
"Future, Father, love itself.
How? When? Will I be placed on the shelf?"
"You seek to understand what you cannot, my dear..
Child, love, perfect, casts out fear."
Written at the eleventh hour after a heartwarming birthday celebration: Value
Within such wealth infinite emptiness
One can't help wonder- paranoia
Mystery.
Beneath the facade of joy insecurity
Sincerity's all a blind
Rubbish.
Ponder the depth the meaning behind
How long will you spare- unveil the mask?
Value.
What if you set a price so high, no one can afford?
... But child, I paid the highest price...
......
Value.
Can't get it out my head Daniel~
To publish a mandarin story would be a dream fulfilled. When itch just became too much: 累
五：
一封你收不到的信，该如何写起。
复杂的感觉，预言又止。我好累，好累。
是我错了吗？在你眼中我是何等卑微，别人称赞我多才多艺善解人意，在你眼中，我谁也不是。我真的真的曾经努力过，试图在你心中掀起涟漪，可是我做不到！
你背对着我离开，难过排山倒海涌过来 。我，无能为力。每一滴眼泪，一丝酸楚， 在你眼底变得无影无形。
寂寞与悲愤的挣扎中，我两败俱伤。好厌恶在你拥抱中寻找幸福的自己，好看不起为你的快乐赔上感情的我。就算我的天空只剩下一片空白，无蓝天，无云朵，这是最后一封了。
五，你赢了，虽然这不是一场比赛。
六 停笔。
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Next topic.
I've always thought people are like geometrical shapes.
You can be square, octagonal, triangular, round, oval... Some people are incredibly easy to get along with- they are round. Anywhere they go they roll along smoothly without obstruction.
Some people are more difficult- they have angles. They trudge with their elbows out, occasionally hurting the unsuspecting passerby, and some, hurt more than others. More often than not, they get hurt themselves.
I think most of us belong to the second category. I hands down do. If you search deep inside me, you'd probably dig out a whole sack full of self hatred, which I'm not sure I don't rightfully deserve.
The unintentional experiment has proved its point. Life without God, is terrible. With the simple words of my tongue, and sometimes even unspoken, I've hurt so many in the past few days. And been hurt in return. Fair, so no complaints here.
In my msn nickname I've used the phrase "in the grip of Grace" for years, but today I realise how naive I was. Being saved, I considered myself to be constantly in the grip of grace, that by grace I was forgiven and that was it. But I forgot that being in the grip of grace meant I was called to be gracious as well. To be gracious. To speak only when needed but to constantly listen.
Grace. Simple word. Complex connotation.
How often do I extend God-given grace to the people around me?
Time to learn. Join me? =)
