Never meant to be this way

You ask me if I love you
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
in what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to run, even fly
lest I just break down and cry
I want to kneel and pray
till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
lost though she knows the truth
A hesitant prize fighter
still trapped within my youth

At times I wish You'd break me
and drive me to my knees
At times I'd like to break through
and You'd hold me endlessly
At times I understand You
and I know how hard You try
I watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but the cycle begins again

Borrowed from Dan Hill. Patrik asked me to define emo. Well I think this is it. Not the most, but definitely in the category. When you write not to provoke thought, when you write not to encourage and build up. But when you write dark unhealthy thoughts in sombre moods.

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Sarah sang me this song on my birthday celebration.

In a while, in a word
Every moment now returns
For a while, seen or heard
How each memory softly burns
Facing you who brings me new tomorrows
I thank God for yesterdays
How they led me to this very hour
How they led me to this place

I once read that the most blissful of happy moments is the moment when you can look back on your yesterdays. Smile faintly. And say, "I was once blissfully happy".

In the last few days of 2008, can you honestly say you are at peace with your yesterdays? Can you thank God for every yesterday?

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God...

...and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

It's never meant this much to me before. Not peace of my own making Father, but Yours.

Daydreams~

Finally. The exams are over. Well technically speaking they've been over for a week and a half =P Life at home is certainly different. Quiet perhaps, but I like it =)

Lately I've been watching a lot of taiwan and hongkong dramas, not to mention High School Musical 3. But sometimes... I just wonder how many of these shows can I take before I implode. Don't get me wrong, these shows are incredibly... *swoons*. It's just that... they lift you up and twirl you into this fantasy of romance and beauty and you start spinning sweet daydreams in your imagination~ Then The End is artistically inscribed on the screen, and you hit reality with a painful thud. And all you're left with is this faint dull ache, wishing that it could all be true.. With every show the ache might just deepen..

Inspired by and dedicated to 2 dear friends:

Redefinition

The intricate line that sets them apart-

the bridge which joins heart to heart

Her voice cries out

“Father…”

Silence richer than the spoken word

Blooms a lone white lily, open to hurt

Louder than a shout

His tear, unshed.

Dare they trespass a plane so narrow

Willfulness unfolding, threatens to grow

All halts at one gentle command

“Wait on Me…”

Comforted, secure to complete the race

Together, separate, imperfect in grace

Patient, unselfish, never failing

Through His Fire

Love, redefined.

The quote I wanted to share the other day:

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

~Anne of Avonlea~

Perhaps that's how we should all begin. But not all of us have to end the same way =)

I reread my post dated 21st April 2007. I guess some things just don't change.

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Okay I've rambled enough. I'll get to the point of the post today. A simple UPDATE. But since there's so little to tell I'll introduce some of the people who've made all the difference in life in medical school. In chronological order:

At Grace's birthday dinner. Lame King Daniel.

Dearest Sarah.

Jun Yet living his dream. JY do you know we haven't had a photo of just the 2 of us in a long time??

Last day of the semester- my group's theme: Bollywood.

Darling Evonne.

Ex-taiwan-drama-hater Patrik.

Supermodel Samantha.

Guy on the left. Nicholas either we haven't been taking many photos together or they've gone missing. Or maybe we were too lazy to collect. C =)

At the MUMEDS formal dinner. My hot Grace.

Tim =)

Terence and Nicholas' farewell.
Guy from right. Fashion expert Terence. Who both saved and touched me in 2 days consecutively.
Ter I don't have a single photo of us since LAST sem's last day! =(

The spectacular view the night of formal dinner.

There're still some more. But some are camera-shy and some... well... I guess maybe we were too caught up to take any.

OH for my dear far-off friends who don't know, I got JPA. All glory to God.

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Moving on. Shows I'm currently watching:

It Started With a Kiss. Yes I am rewatching this. So what? It's soo sweet!

Romantic Princess.

Moonlight Resonance.

Shows I've finished watching:

Speech of Silence.

How I Met Your Mother Season 2.
My heart broke when they broke up.

I know some things happen for the best.. I know he eventually meets the mother...

But IT'S STILL HORRIBLE. EVIL SCRIPTWRITER!!!

Thank God for these 2. Still going strong.

Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all

Now won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

And with every step together
We just keep on getting better

*Sighs*
*Slaps self*
WAKE UP!!

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Take my love- my God, I pour
At thy feet its treasure store.
~Francis Ridley Havergal~

There is a longing only You can fill
A raging temptest only You can still
My soul is thirsty Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before your throne

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

By all means, take me deeper.

Myriad.

It's the party to end all parties. And by some miracle, you secured an invitation.

You slink into the room, pour yourself a drink, take out your handphone and pretend to look busy. All around you are beautiful people, dressed to the nines, laughing as though they didn't have a care in the world.

There she comes. That amazingly sweet girl. The hit of the entire school. The girl every guy liked and every girl wanted to be like. The girl even girls loved to hang out with because she was lovable and simply earnestly sincere. The girl who'd never be alone because everyone wanted to spend time with her.

I've always wondered. What would it feel like being her? What is it that makes her tick? What is it that's so special about her that I can't help liking her? God if you gave everyone a role in life to play, why couldn't you have given me her role? Why am I always the on the sidelines? When will be my turn God? Will it ever be? God you said you are a fair God but where is the justice in this??

Yes I admit. Childish. Selfish. Mean.

Inside me this quiet voice speaks-

"If I had given you her role, would you still be able to understand how those on the sidelines feel?"

And this random thought just flew in-

"You are on the sidelines in her story, but she is on the sidelines in your story. I am fair. Focus on the ultimate Story."

And this verse comes to mind-

"Yet the house of Israel says, ‘The way of the Lord is not fair.’ O house of Israel, is it not My ways which are fair, and your ways which are not fair? Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways,' says the Lord God." Ezekiel 18:29-30

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord.'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways,And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Sigh. Trial and error. And error. And error.

"What matters most is you don't stop trying.."

I think... you could have all the Bible verses at your fingertips but yet still feel totally lost and miserable.

"Have faith, Rachel... have faith!" I hear Li's voice in my head.

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Confession time: I'm in the poetry emo mood.

Jensen dear in case you're wondering why is Rachel constantly emo-ing in her blog it's because she almost never blogs unless she is.

Written in the wee hours one cold morning: Shelf

A whisper floated that star studded night

Your voice speaks gently by her ear

"Cherish the moment come what it might..

Child, what is it you really fear?"

Fear? This word she ponders, quiet, shy

"Perhaps I do..." softly, eyes towards the sky

"Love, child, love... where is your faith?"

The greatest is love, thus He saith.

"Future, Father, love itself.

How? When? Will I be placed on the shelf?"

"You seek to understand what you cannot, my dear..

Child, love, perfect, casts out fear."

Written at the eleventh hour after a heartwarming birthday celebration: Value

Within such wealth infinite emptiness

One can't help wonder- paranoia

Mystery.

Beneath the facade of joy insecurity

Sincerity's all a blind

Rubbish.

Ponder the depth the meaning behind

How long will you spare- unveil the mask?

Value.

What if you set a price so high, no one can afford?

... But child, I paid the highest price...

......

Value.

Can't get it out my head Daniel~

To publish a mandarin story would be a dream fulfilled. When itch just became too much: 累

五：

一封你收不到的信，该如何写起。

复杂的感觉，预言又止。我好累，好累。

是我错了吗？在你眼中我是何等卑微，别人称赞我多才多艺善解人意，在你眼中，我谁也不是。我真的真的曾经努力过，试图在你心中掀起涟漪，可是我做不到！

你背对着我离开，难过排山倒海涌过来 。我，无能为力。每一滴眼泪，一丝酸楚， 在你眼底变得无影无形。

寂寞与悲愤的挣扎中，我两败俱伤。好厌恶在你拥抱中寻找幸福的自己，好看不起为你的快乐赔上感情的我。就算我的天空只剩下一片空白，无蓝天，无云朵，这是最后一封了。

五，你赢了，虽然这不是一场比赛。

六 停笔。

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Next topic.

I've always thought people are like geometrical shapes.

You can be square, octagonal, triangular, round, oval... Some people are incredibly easy to get along with- they are round. Anywhere they go they roll along smoothly without obstruction.

Some people are more difficult- they have angles. They trudge with their elbows out, occasionally hurting the unsuspecting passerby, and some, hurt more than others. More often than not, they get hurt themselves.

I think most of us belong to the second category. I hands down do. If you search deep inside me, you'd probably dig out a whole sack full of self hatred, which I'm not sure I don't rightfully deserve.

The unintentional experiment has proved its point. Life without God, is terrible. With the simple words of my tongue, and sometimes even unspoken, I've hurt so many in the past few days. And been hurt in return. Fair, so no complaints here.

In my msn nickname I've used the phrase "in the grip of Grace" for years, but today I realise how naive I was. Being saved, I considered myself to be constantly in the grip of grace, that by grace I was forgiven and that was it. But I forgot that being in the grip of grace meant I was called to be gracious as well. To be gracious. To speak only when needed but to constantly listen.

Grace. Simple word. Complex connotation.

How often do I extend God-given grace to the people around me?

Time to learn. Join me? =)

Looking through Your eyes

For those who've been checking this page in vain, I'm sorry for the complete silence.

I've always loved blogging, but lately... it's been getting tough. Sometimes there's just nothing to say, and sometimes there's too much...

Just suddenly, you realise that the blogging realm isn't your own private cocoon, and there are unforgiving eyes reading your innermost thoughts and judging.

And you chaff yourself for idealistically thinking that the world's a beautiful place- all sunshine and four-leaf clover~

where men and women could walk hand in hand like the boys and girls of yesteryear...
where every hurt could be soothed away, every tear wiped dry...
where only words of love flowed abundantly...
where innocence and warmth prevailed...

I guess what I'm trying to say is... my last few weeks weren't the greatest, hence the last Frustration post. There was hurt, unforgiveness, envy, pain... and I, priding myself a mature young woman, took it like a child. Like a spoilt brat.



But He changed it all.



In church that fateful Sunday, pastor was talking about grace.

Everyone needs compassion

a love that's never ending

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness

the kindness of a savior

The hope of nations

Savior

He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

Indeed. Everyone needs compassion. Everyone needs forgiveness. Mercy fell upon me once again that morning.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

***************************

We had an intriguing discussion a few centuries back at Carl's Junior.

Assuming this was possible, would you marry yourself?

Come on, think with me!! It's a fascinating topic!!

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Okay okay... I can hear the flies buzzing. Laugh k... it's funny =P

Alright I'll get on with it.

Almost all of us dream of marrying the right someone, having cute kids and growing old together... but the thought of marriage- to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part... beautiful, and yet scary. Guess I'm not ready.


Back to the question.

Makes you really start to think about how you see yourself huh.. You mentally tick off your good points and flaws and slowly weigh and consider (if you're as bored as I am). Personal stock check session. Then you have the answer- of how in love with yourself you are =P


Then it gets a bit more serious. And you start to wonder what does God think of you. Scary road to go down. At least for me.

Then this love song comes to mind... and suddenly it's not eros love, but agape...

God sings:

Look at the sky

Tell me what do you see
Just close your eyes and describe it to me

The heavens are sparkling with starlight tonight

That's what I see through your eyes

I sing:

Here in the night I see the sun

Here in the dark our two hearts are one

It's out of my hands

I can't stop what You have begun

And love just took me by surprise

Looking through Your eyes

I look at myself

And instead I see us

Whoever I am now it feels like enough

And I see a girl who is learning to trust

That's who I see through Your eyes

You and I sing:

And there are some things we don't know

Sometimes a heart just needs to go

And there is so much I'll remember

Underneath the open sky with You forever

*sighs*

So easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment,

and dwindle down the next...

So simple to write thought-provoking heartwarming sentences,

yet so hard to mean every word written...

**************************

So take me as you find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

**************************

Ultimately...

Peace...

And the world?

It's still a beautiful place- all sunshine and four leaf clover...

Men and women will still walk hand in hand like the boys and girls of yesteryear...

Every hurt can still be soothed, every tear wiped dry...

Words of love will still flow abundantly...

Innocence and warmth will still prevail...

Why?

I guess it's a matter of perspective.

And divine intervention =)

Now if I could just keep holding onto this joy~

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oh

oh

oh

oh

I almost forgot.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY GRACE TAY HUI LING!!

P.S. terence faster post up photos!! but no rush =)

Frustration

Peace, you said.

Peace…

A raging tempest.
A deafening whirpool.
The cricket stares on.

Mute.

Blind.

Hearing intact.

Loneliness cloaked him
but he was lonely no more.
Blessed solitude…

The cricket stares on.

The velvet blackness around him
Deep fulfillment within him
Strangely empty

The waves crashing in.
Trust ebbing away.
Impending rage.
Gloom.


Finally… peace.

But you were wrong.

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

Father you are King over the flood
I will be still
know you are God

Seek. Wait. Find.

In mental state examination tutorial

"What can we observe of this woman?"
"She's crazy!!!"
"Why do you say that?"
"She's... too happy! No one can be that happy!"


... Is she really the one who's deranged? Or are we the ones with problems instead? That we enforce limits on the happiness that another human being can possess? That we no longer believe such blissful happiness exists?

Psychiatry books tell us that a sign of a disturbed mental state is inappropriate display of emotion, e.g. laughing during sad times. I understand what the psychiatrists mean.

But... I think that... to be able to laugh in times of sorrow... is a gift indeed.

Perhaps a little pinch of madness would do us all some good =)

*********************************

On msn

"You don't understand me..."
"You're right... I don't."

How self righteous of me. How much do I understand of myself anyway? I'm sorry.

***********************************

Some things are better left unsaid

"Why do you always walk behind me? Can't we walk together instead?"

If I walk behind you...
... at least I know...
... you'll be waiting for me.

*************************************

Even though I can't see the sun through these clouds
I know it still shines
Even though I can't feel Your love through this pain
I know You're alive

Even though I can't understand
Why this storm still blows, and
Even though I can't hear Your voice
I love Your rain

Even though I can't see the way up ahead
I know that You lead
Even though I can't feel Your presence now
I know I believe

**************************************
别过脸前 才知道泪会流
要走向前 才明白
舍不得 所以回头
放了手 看懂了

离愁 才是抓紧的手
转过身后 才知道心会痛
要狠下心 才明白
走一步 有多遥远
放了心 看懂了
不放的是一些曾经

给我答应我们会再见。
******************************

In lecture

Clinical psychologist: The opposite of fear is anger.

Hmmm.

Maybe... we ought to search our hearts carefully before we let anger get the better of us.
Maybe... we were just trying to hide our fear.
Maybe... it's time we took off that mask.




P.S. I cut my hair. Again. As expected, I don't like it =D

Heart

I... don't even know why I'm here; when there's so much more to be done, to be experienced. Here I am, fingers poised, mind blank, heart troubled.

The reason why we are medical students and not engineering I guess.
Though I still insist the seesaw had equilibrium problems in the first place.

Enough of advertising.
Moving on.

One starry night... many hearts were touched in CF camp. Dreams, desires, burdens- like Abraham, we laid our Isaac before God. You know, I always thought committing our dreams to Him was enough, that trusting in Him to realise the dream in His time would be enough... Now I know it isn't. Loving God isn't just about waiting on Him to fulfill dreams, it's about loving despite having your dreams broken.

Though he slay me, I will hope in Him.

The same starry night. Inside the building, one special heart felt drawn. Tears fell. Prayers uttered. Hands laid. Outside the building, a star shone, brightest amongst its peers against the velvet darkness. And I... I took it as a promise.

Take my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Change my heart O God.

One sunny morning few days later in Malacca. While waiting for our car ride home to arrive, Mum and grandpa argues about Christianity and Buddhism once more. I... quietly watch. Out of the blue, grandpa turns to me.

"Wei Lyn, do you believe in eternal life?"

The ball falls into my court.

What should I say?

Grandma walks in. I ask her to sit down too and listen. Ever ready to humour their beloved granddaughter, they both look at me expectantly.

"Yes I believe in eternal life."

Voice quivering,

courage faltering.

Father, help me.

I blink back hot tears.

To no avail.

I plunge ahead.

"Grandpa, grandma... do you know why mum and I want you guys to believe in Jesus so badly?

It's not because we think Buddhism is bad,

or that we think our God will reward us for turning you into Christians.

I... the two of you aren't young anymore.

I... don't want to cry like some monster when the two of you leave.

I want the assurance that your departure will only be temporary,

that I'll still meet you in heaven one day.

If you believe that Jesus, Son of God loves you and died for your sins,

you have eternal life.

I don't want to attend your funerals knowing that it's goodbye forever..."

Grandma's eyes glisten.

Grandpa sits in defiant, stubborn silence.

I continue to sob.

Mum leans against the front door, the lone tear on her cheek reflecting sunlight.

And...

Our car arrives to pick us up.

I hug grandpa goodbye. He hardly looks at me. I hug grandma goodbye. Tearing, she apologises. Funny how sometimes we apologise, knowing that that "sorry" isn't warranted but still saying it because we don't know what else we can say...

One night. One morning. One young heart. Two old hearts. The same prayer. The same God. Such different responses. Why?

Quoting a friend (I don't know if you'd like to be named):

What works or not in this matter is never our doing.

We don't make the calls on who gets saved...

...but I take a stand that we just need to love them.

And then trust Him.

For every person out there who's struggling with disbelief in his/her relationship:

I hope this speaks to you. I know you hurt. God hurts too. So do I.

If you stop hurting, you've given up.

For every person out there whom I've tried to share God's love with:

Forgive me my selfishness, I... just can't bear to say goodbye to you,

knowing that it could be for forever.

P.S. Nick (Ng), Li... are my motives wrong?

*************************************************************************

For those who don't know, I applied for NUS medicine quite a while back. Wrote the essay, studied the Singapore health system, attended the 1 hr 15 minute long interview, and failed to get in. They offered me bioengineering instead.

Another shattered childhood dream. Amazing I didn't cry. Or feel as sad as I thought I would.

Thought of blessings that night. And tried to imagine how long it would be if I tried to write them down. Resolved not to try.

But still felt like trying.

I like... the way my paternal grandma and I can talk about the most disgusting things under the sun and she's cool with it.
I like... my family conversations. We're weird.
I like... how absolutely loving and amazing my aunt is.
I like... how my mum has the ability to make me cry by telling me the story of a sad incident that she cried over.
I like... my dad so much sometimes I wish I could marry him but also thank God I can't.
I like... the way my bro always has to call me "jie jie" even when he acts so macho and cool.

I like... the way God created a colourful world.
I like... the peace God gave me and would really like to hold onto it.
I like... the diversity in the personalities God created.
I like... the seafood God gave.
I like... the fact that God created music.

As for people...
If your name isn't here, please do not take it to heart.

I like... the way Cher Hui and I can still laugh and cry with each other despite different unis.
I like... the way Eunice hugged and cried with me at church camp altar call last year.
I like... the way Grace and I can relate to each other even when we don't talk much.
I like... the way Sarah and I can talk about our feelings so freely, even though we're so different.
I like... the way Li understands, and guides me so gently, even from afar.
I like... the way Hui Ying can care for people so self-sacrificingly.
I like... the way Amery was there for me when I was at my lowest.

I like... the way Nic (Ng) and I can care for and comfort each other even when we're oceans apart.
I like... the way Li Hong understands, consoles and says the most thought-provoking things.
I like... the way Nick (Hee) and I have this weird bond in which he tries to answer all the weird questions I ask.
I like... the way Jun Yet patiently listens, even when I don't make sense.
I like... the way Tim (Cheng) was there for me last year when I needed comfort.
I like... the way Ern Sheong tries to care, even when I'm moody.
I like... the way Wei Ken still calls up once in a while and we can talk about anything.

I like... prayer meetings when people speak from the heart.
I like... knowing that God is near.
I like... silence and solitude.
I like... watching guys being themselves.
I like... the beauty of literature.

I like... watching people in love.
I like... worshipping with children.
I like... listening to old people tell me about their younger days.
I like... crying at weddings.

I think... you must be bored. I'll stop.

P.S. 我喜欢... 蓝尾巴你默默的关心。希望有朝一日你能坦白。

****************************************************

You won't understand this.
It's alright.

Stained.
Ugly.
Tainted.
Undesirable.

*Sighs.

If the world rejects you,
remember it rejected me first.