Heart

I... don't even know why I'm here; when there's so much more to be done, to be experienced. Here I am, fingers poised, mind blank, heart troubled.

The reason why we are medical students and not engineering I guess.
Though I still insist the seesaw had equilibrium problems in the first place.

Enough of advertising.
Moving on.

One starry night... many hearts were touched in CF camp. Dreams, desires, burdens- like Abraham, we laid our Isaac before God. You know, I always thought committing our dreams to Him was enough, that trusting in Him to realise the dream in His time would be enough... Now I know it isn't. Loving God isn't just about waiting on Him to fulfill dreams, it's about loving despite having your dreams broken.

Though he slay me, I will hope in Him.

The same starry night. Inside the building, one special heart felt drawn. Tears fell. Prayers uttered. Hands laid. Outside the building, a star shone, brightest amongst its peers against the velvet darkness. And I... I took it as a promise.

Take my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Change my heart O God.

One sunny morning few days later in Malacca. While waiting for our car ride home to arrive, Mum and grandpa argues about Christianity and Buddhism once more. I... quietly watch. Out of the blue, grandpa turns to me.

"Wei Lyn, do you believe in eternal life?"

The ball falls into my court.

What should I say?

Grandma walks in. I ask her to sit down too and listen. Ever ready to humour their beloved granddaughter, they both look at me expectantly.

"Yes I believe in eternal life."

Voice quivering,

courage faltering.

Father, help me.

I blink back hot tears.

To no avail.

I plunge ahead.

"Grandpa, grandma... do you know why mum and I want you guys to believe in Jesus so badly?

It's not because we think Buddhism is bad,

or that we think our God will reward us for turning you into Christians.

I... the two of you aren't young anymore.

I... don't want to cry like some monster when the two of you leave.

I want the assurance that your departure will only be temporary,

that I'll still meet you in heaven one day.

If you believe that Jesus, Son of God loves you and died for your sins,

you have eternal life.

I don't want to attend your funerals knowing that it's goodbye forever..."

Grandma's eyes glisten.

Grandpa sits in defiant, stubborn silence.

I continue to sob.

Mum leans against the front door, the lone tear on her cheek reflecting sunlight.

And...

Our car arrives to pick us up.

I hug grandpa goodbye. He hardly looks at me. I hug grandma goodbye. Tearing, she apologises. Funny how sometimes we apologise, knowing that that "sorry" isn't warranted but still saying it because we don't know what else we can say...

One night. One morning. One young heart. Two old hearts. The same prayer. The same God. Such different responses. Why?

Quoting a friend (I don't know if you'd like to be named):

What works or not in this matter is never our doing.

We don't make the calls on who gets saved...

...but I take a stand that we just need to love them.

And then trust Him.

For every person out there who's struggling with disbelief in his/her relationship:

I hope this speaks to you. I know you hurt. God hurts too. So do I.

If you stop hurting, you've given up.

For every person out there whom I've tried to share God's love with:

Forgive me my selfishness, I... just can't bear to say goodbye to you,

knowing that it could be for forever.

P.S. Nick (Ng), Li... are my motives wrong?

*************************************************************************

For those who don't know, I applied for NUS medicine quite a while back. Wrote the essay, studied the Singapore health system, attended the 1 hr 15 minute long interview, and failed to get in. They offered me bioengineering instead.

Another shattered childhood dream. Amazing I didn't cry. Or feel as sad as I thought I would.

Thought of blessings that night. And tried to imagine how long it would be if I tried to write them down. Resolved not to try.

But still felt like trying.

I like... the way my paternal grandma and I can talk about the most disgusting things under the sun and she's cool with it.
I like... my family conversations. We're weird.
I like... how absolutely loving and amazing my aunt is.
I like... how my mum has the ability to make me cry by telling me the story of a sad incident that she cried over.
I like... my dad so much sometimes I wish I could marry him but also thank God I can't.
I like... the way my bro always has to call me "jie jie" even when he acts so macho and cool.

I like... the way God created a colourful world.
I like... the peace God gave me and would really like to hold onto it.
I like... the diversity in the personalities God created.
I like... the seafood God gave.
I like... the fact that God created music.

As for people...
If your name isn't here, please do not take it to heart.

I like... the way Cher Hui and I can still laugh and cry with each other despite different unis.
I like... the way Eunice hugged and cried with me at church camp altar call last year.
I like... the way Grace and I can relate to each other even when we don't talk much.
I like... the way Sarah and I can talk about our feelings so freely, even though we're so different.
I like... the way Li understands, and guides me so gently, even from afar.
I like... the way Hui Ying can care for people so self-sacrificingly.
I like... the way Amery was there for me when I was at my lowest.

I like... the way Nic (Ng) and I can care for and comfort each other even when we're oceans apart.
I like... the way Li Hong understands, consoles and says the most thought-provoking things.
I like... the way Nick (Hee) and I have this weird bond in which he tries to answer all the weird questions I ask.
I like... the way Jun Yet patiently listens, even when I don't make sense.
I like... the way Tim (Cheng) was there for me last year when I needed comfort.
I like... the way Ern Sheong tries to care, even when I'm moody.
I like... the way Wei Ken still calls up once in a while and we can talk about anything.

I like... prayer meetings when people speak from the heart.
I like... knowing that God is near.
I like... silence and solitude.
I like... watching guys being themselves.
I like... the beauty of literature.

I like... watching people in love.
I like... worshipping with children.
I like... listening to old people tell me about their younger days.
I like... crying at weddings.

I think... you must be bored. I'll stop.

P.S. 我喜欢... 蓝尾巴你默默的关心。希望有朝一日你能坦白。

****************************************************

You won't understand this.
It's alright.

Stained.
Ugly.
Tainted.
Undesirable.

*Sighs.

If the world rejects you,
remember it rejected me first.