Making a difference

It's 4.40am in the morning and here I am, finally, blogging. I don't know if it's a good sign, but I've been thinking a lot lately. So much so that now I finally have the time to pen down my thoughts, I'm at a loss for words.

Insecurity. I think if we all search our hearts and scour it with a fine toothcomb, we'll all find insecurity embedded in there somewhere to some degree- in some people very little, in some people a lot more. Like me =) The other day a thought popped into my head and disturbed me, and try as I might, I could not push it away. The thought, or rather question, was thus:

Would it make a difference to anyone if I left?

You might ask what I meant by "left"... physical departure? death? You apply your own definition. Well it got me thinking. Would anyone miss me if I wasn't around anymore? Or would everyone be able to continue on as if I never existed before? Does my presence even matter to the people around me? My answer was ...... . I wasn't sure. I didn't know. I didn't know whether I wanted to know. Anyway, long and short of it, I spent a week in emotional tachycardia, alternately blissfully happy and then tearing up, hearing these questions like a never-ending refrain in my head. I know it wasn't healthy, and in some sense it was actually really self-centered and silly of me, but I guess I gave my heart free rein.

Until my coursemates and I had prayer meeting and Daniel shared Phillipians 4:8 with us:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

That woke me up alright. But that prayer meeting made me realise the innate desire we have inside us to belong. And perhaps sometimes in our carelessness we have left people out, in our thoughtlessness we have made people feel they don't belong... I guess it boils down to this- If you make others feel like a part of the group, in the process you'll find your sense of belonging. Maybe. I'm not sure.

As for would your absence make a difference, I think that depends on whether you even try to in the first place?

Won't You Lord, take a look at our hands?
Everything we have, use it for Your plans,
Won't You Lord, take a look at our hearts?
Mould it, Refine it, As You set us apart.

We want to run to the altar,
And catch the fire,
To stand in the gap,
Between the living and the dead,
Give us a heart of compassion,
For a world without vision,
We will make a difference,
Bringing hope to our land.

Somehow the song fits, doesn't it?

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My next topic is rather similar to the first. You know how is it when you don't see a friend for a really long time, and when you finally do meet up things are so awkward and you seem to have nothing in common anymore? Turns out that you don't need a period of a year or so for that to happen. A week, or even a day, is sufficient for some. Then it struck me. Is our friendship so shallow that if we not talk for one day, we can't connect with each other anymore?? It's soooo... sad...

你和我之间隔着一层界线, 不曾有改变。

也许这样追随幸福的影子, 至少没失望...

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Another thought: I realise how much happiness I derive from the people around me, from their warmth, love and friendship... Which in itself isn't a bad thing, but then I realise how much unhappiness I feel when those people aren't around me. I think... more important than ever, we need to find joy in what we do, and not just in people. People come and people go, people change; God doesn't, and neither does the fruit of our labour. Maybe the bulk of the happiness should stem from there instead...

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Anyway, Jun Yet tagged me ages ago. I'll do it now.

The Rules:-

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
3. Tag eight people at the end of this post and list their names.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving them a comment on their blogs.

Random fact #1
I think the warmest, sweetest most loving hug in the world is a hug from behind.

Random fact #2
Sometimes I wish I could meet my past self, to tell her to hold her head higher and brave the storm that would be coming. And sometimes I wish I could meet my future self, so that she could tell me what's going to happen to me so that I can stop worrying.

Random fact #3
Sometimes I wonder how could anyone like me, and then the knowledge that Someone loved me enough to die for me becomes almost too much to bear.

Random fact #4
I haven't given up the dream of standing in court in the white wig, speaking eloquently to defend my helpless client. Or the dream of becoming the ultimate wedding planner.

Random fact #5
30 years from now I would like to have seen the world and understood its people, and sit down to write a book that would touch the hearts of the youth, and speak some sense to the old. I'm thinking love story at the moment =P

Random fact #6
I love this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the approbation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to have made the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition, to know that even one life has breathed easier, because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Random fact #7
Sometimes I wish guys don't exist in this world. Don't ask me why. I won't tell you. But then again, then Jesus wouldn't have existed either.

Random fact #8
The Bible says God collects our every tear in bottles. I think God must have many, many, many bottles with my name on it in heaven.

Bonus random fact #9
I love this photo of Sarah and I in the garden of the polyclinic.

Bonus random fact #10
I have a friend named Grace whom I think is beautiful, both in character and appearance.

Whoever feels like doing the tag, feel free.

Until the next time, God bless you.


P.S. Nicholas dear, I'm sorry I haven't replied your email. Things have been hectic and my time management a little off. Hope you're healthy and well over there. When are you coming back??
P.P.S YAY Li!! Call me out when you're back!!