all I need is You

I asked You teach me humility- I tasted humble pie again today.

I asked You to teach me to rely upon You more- you showed me the inconsistency of man.

All I need is You...

The final frontier- Lord you be Lord.

it's not about me

You think you've learned that lesson- it's not about who you are and what you can do but about God and his total amazingness. But you forget.

And God, kind forgiving person he is, gently reminds.

What can you say when you interpreted signs wrongly, got the diagnosis wrong and still be looked upon favourably?

Only by Your grace.

"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are. "

a part of me

wants to ask why why why... why why why???

a part of me wants to curl up in a ball and just not face it.

a part of me wants to believe i can do it.

the rest of me says i can't.

"Whoever who calls me Lord Lord and does not do what I tell them to does not belong to me."

Father... help...

Counting days.

Counting the days.

They say temporary magnets lose their magnetism when the permanent magnet who magnetised them disappears from view.

Slice slice slice...
goes the hurtful blade of my imagination...

I keep bleeding.
And you bleed in consequence.

Winter. Beautiful. Mind-numbingly cold. Frostbite hurts. Father won't you make spring come faster?

temporary home

did i tell you that this is one of my favourite songs? Brought me to tears...

"This is my temporary home
it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms, where I'm just passing through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home"
~Temporary Home, Carrie Underwood~

Poignant on so many levels.

101th post

I didn't even realise it's been so long...

Just a reminder to myself if I come back aeons later to read my reflections- cell talked about Peter and his struggles today... Dorothy said something which really hit home- you know the verse "your word is a light unto a feet, and a lamp unto my path"? Since the light is at the feet, only when the feet start to move, can the path ahead be lighted up. So trust. And then move. Thought-provoking.

Days of stress and exams are beckoning. Father, I am afraid. Teach me to be a 'gentle, quiet spirit', waiting upon you.

I recall the days of feeling lost, and resolve to be independent.

a place we call home

Unpredictability. Guess that's one thing that you can at least reliably predict about life. We go about our daily business, hoping to accomplish something that would matter, that would mean something to someone. You make plans. One wrong foot, and the whole thing falls to pieces in your face. Or you could live happily ever after. I'm just speaking hypothetically, not talking about romance here, though I know you're thinking it.

We were talking about 'thing's the other day. You know, like the 'thing' you're good in... you've found your thing, your niche, the stage where you shine? What if... I don't have one? I used to think I was good at writing. My childhood dream was to be an authoress like Enid Blyton, to write children's books. Guess reality and the doctor dream won. What if... I was born in a different country? What if I was of a different race and different upbringing, that would encourage big and impossible dreams? Would I have taken the plunge? Oh, and underline the word used in used to think. I saw what good writing was like, even in my secondary school, I don't think I would have made the cut. So back to my question. What if I don't have a thing? Have I not found it yet? Or is there no thing for me? Why don't I have a thing? I'm rambling...

My point is, I'm home. No matter what happens out there in that big scary not-s0-sterile ward where I can't seem to do anything right, don't have any answers when the questions come, where I just can't measure up, I'm home now. To take a breather, to muster up all the courage family love can give, and try again. I am so happy to have a place I can call home. And I take comfort that there is another home waiting for me, anytime He calls me back. I won't lie to you, I'm really afraid of dying, but I really want to go to heaven too. Daddy please remind me of that everytime I feel like I'm straying cuz I don't want to know what life is without you? Thanks...

At least that's one more thing we can predict about life. Home, now and eternal.

p/s Mr. Z with the gluteal sore and paravertebral abscess, I'm sorry about your mother's demise. I hope you're feeling better now. Happy hari raya... I'm proud of you for crying.
p/s Street people, I hope your absence on the streets means you're celebrating hari raya somewhere with your family... I really do.

Praying that everyone in this world will have a place they can call home, and the infinite comfort it brings.

pinch

yet another.

I'm done. No more struggling.

Li it's hard... it's so damned difficult.

*watches clenched fist, loosening its grip, opening*

不知不觉

好像, 回不了当初
好像, 我失去了我

爸爸, 把我带回来. 让我把信心, 快乐找回来.
领导我爱人, 爱你, 爱自己.

他躺在我身边, 在梦乡中, 看起来好平静.
不想再哭泣, 不想再让他难过.
真的够了.
配不配, 让你来做主.

是时候成长了, 女孩.