a place we call home

Unpredictability. Guess that's one thing that you can at least reliably predict about life. We go about our daily business, hoping to accomplish something that would matter, that would mean something to someone. You make plans. One wrong foot, and the whole thing falls to pieces in your face. Or you could live happily ever after. I'm just speaking hypothetically, not talking about romance here, though I know you're thinking it.

We were talking about 'thing's the other day. You know, like the 'thing' you're good in... you've found your thing, your niche, the stage where you shine? What if... I don't have one? I used to think I was good at writing. My childhood dream was to be an authoress like Enid Blyton, to write children's books. Guess reality and the doctor dream won. What if... I was born in a different country? What if I was of a different race and different upbringing, that would encourage big and impossible dreams? Would I have taken the plunge? Oh, and underline the word used in used to think. I saw what good writing was like, even in my secondary school, I don't think I would have made the cut. So back to my question. What if I don't have a thing? Have I not found it yet? Or is there no thing for me? Why don't I have a thing? I'm rambling...

My point is, I'm home. No matter what happens out there in that big scary not-s0-sterile ward where I can't seem to do anything right, don't have any answers when the questions come, where I just can't measure up, I'm home now. To take a breather, to muster up all the courage family love can give, and try again. I am so happy to have a place I can call home. And I take comfort that there is another home waiting for me, anytime He calls me back. I won't lie to you, I'm really afraid of dying, but I really want to go to heaven too. Daddy please remind me of that everytime I feel like I'm straying cuz I don't want to know what life is without you? Thanks...

At least that's one more thing we can predict about life. Home, now and eternal.

p/s Mr. Z with the gluteal sore and paravertebral abscess, I'm sorry about your mother's demise. I hope you're feeling better now. Happy hari raya... I'm proud of you for crying.
p/s Street people, I hope your absence on the streets means you're celebrating hari raya somewhere with your family... I really do.

Praying that everyone in this world will have a place they can call home, and the infinite comfort it brings.

pinch

yet another.

I'm done. No more struggling.

Li it's hard... it's so damned difficult.

*watches clenched fist, loosening its grip, opening*

不知不觉

好像, 回不了当初
好像, 我失去了我

爸爸, 把我带回来. 让我把信心, 快乐找回来.
领导我爱人, 爱你, 爱自己.

他躺在我身边, 在梦乡中, 看起来好平静.
不想再哭泣, 不想再让他难过.
真的够了.
配不配, 让你来做主.

是时候成长了, 女孩.

i wish

i could make you feel at home.
i wish.
i was a better person.

peer pressure

you don't even know you're feeling it until it's too late.

enough.

greater things are yet to come,
greater things are still to be done.

God take the feeling away...

so just maybe...

I didn't do very well for MCR. But I passed. Happy =)
Speaking to the patient today, I was thinking just maybe... just maybe... I can become a real doctor. Those people who can tell what's wrong with you.

From now on I will always ask smoking history even if the patient looks like a little boy. I will also always count respiratory rate regardless of whether patient looks comfortable. That's a promise.

thank you God for seeing me through. And Li, Nicholas and mummy who prayed.

treasure

As I stood in bedside tonight, looking at the earnest faces around, I wondered- what is my treasure? What do the people around me treasure?

We attend lectures in late evenings and extra bedsides during free time to learn more, we go for dinners and get-togethers to bond, we watch series after series for that hot actor/actress/brain-melting entertainment... what is it we treasure? What do we hope to gain?

I see that uncle with stomach cancer so bad he's under palliative care, lying on the bed smiling so kindly at me everytime I go to see him and make conversation, he and I both knowing I'm just trying to find words to say to fill the emptiness... The girl with a brain tumor of 11 years tells me how she tried to "go home to die" instead of undergoing a surgery because she is afraid of being in a vegetative state... No wonder people become surgeons. They want to know they're doing something meaningful, they want to truly make a difference.

I know I'm not making much sense. Nicholas Grace Sarah Terence Jun Yet Tim Christine Beng Sam Hui Ruan Evonne Jo Hans Li Jonathan Suks... i treasure you. I take comfort in the fact that people dun read my blog so this is safe.

from the treasure of the heart the mouth speaks.

to be near you

so blessed to have you.

interesting interesting...

Yesterday was an interesting day indeed.

Pastor talked about being present. Not being here but thinking of what I need to do there, but to focus my mind on right here right now.

I had a good lunch with close friends I haven't talked to in a long time.

I signed up for ballroom dancing classes.

I clerked a patient with undiagnosed bloody diarrhoea and one month abdominal pain. Colonoscopy and OGDS reveal no lesions.

I entered the operating theatre for the first time in my life, dressed up like Gray's anatomy people and watched 2 surgeries. Finger attachment and a LeFort I. Stayed there from 730pm-1230am on a Sunday night. You have to respect the surgeons.

Stayed up to watch Spain and Holland fight it out. Slept at 5am.

Woke up for discussion on chronic liver disease for 3.5 hours. And enjoyed myself thoroughly.

MCRs are coming up. Am I whole-hearted about what I do? Will I be?

God help me.