Beloved tendon hammer, where art thou?
Doth thou not know'st my mcr is at hand???
Huhu =(
How la...
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Monday, 17 May 2010
I can only imagine
Surrounded by Your glory
what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still?
Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, freezing. I've been meaning to blog for a century or so, but never had the time or the words. Not like I do now... but still... surely a whole posting in medicine has to merit 1 post.
Let me paint you a picture. It's a hot Tuesday morning, the sunlight streaming in through the window panes and thin cotton curtains. A girl walks in, hair bunched into a messy ponytail, looking slightly flustered and half-asleep. You wonder how she manages under that thick, slightly stained lab coat of hers and read her nametag- medical student. She enters the busy bustling hospital ward filled with patients of all races and medical personnel on their ward rounds, too busy to even spare her a glance. Not that she was worth looking at or listening to, at any rate. She goes over to the disarray of patient files carelessly put at a corner, reaches out for a few patient files, reads a couple, running her finger over the almost illegible handwriting and suddenly she stops, her finger at a standstill. She looks up and locates the bed at which the particular patient is lying. The patient feels her stare and returns it. She bites her lip, smiles tentatively at the patient, breathes a quick prayer, and nears the patient with fake bravado, all the while quaking in her shoes. In broken Malay she tries her best to speak to the patient and make him feel at his ease. After 15 minutes or so, she has exhausted all her questions. She then asks if she could examine him. The patient looks ready to refuse, but seeing her pleading gaze, he sighs and allows. She closes the curtains and observes the patient. The patient shuts his eyes in silent resignation. She reaches out for his hand and the rigmarole begins. Five minutes later she shoves open the curtains and heartily thanks the patient. The patient thanks her, and they both breathe a sigh of relief. As she walks away she again feels the weight of her inadequacy of knowledge and skill.
Haha I read back and realise I've painted such a sombre picture. It isn't. Talking to patients is fun I think, just not so much when it comes to their medical condition. At least that's what I feel...
Things I've learnt this year
1. you can never stop learning
2. I can go longer without shopping than I ever thought I could
3. I don't know how to manage studies and friendship together
4. I can't live without family
5. Dr. DeBakey only slept 2 hours every night
6. I don't know how to socialise
7. I can cook without burning the kitchen and the food
8. you can never love enough
9. I can't manage without God
10. I should stop trying to
11. I think pj is the best place on earth
12. you can't learn medicine in 4 months
13. I hate ironing clothes
14. I don't try enough to show people I care
15. I need to try harder, care more
16. I thank God and mummy I can speak mandarin
17. I miss my grandma so much
18. Teh ais is one of the best drinks in the world
19. I am so loved.
20. Jesus didn't have favourites, John just recognised that he was loved by Him.
And off I go to the wards again... so you're not alone. =)
what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still?
Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, freezing. I've been meaning to blog for a century or so, but never had the time or the words. Not like I do now... but still... surely a whole posting in medicine has to merit 1 post.
Let me paint you a picture. It's a hot Tuesday morning, the sunlight streaming in through the window panes and thin cotton curtains. A girl walks in, hair bunched into a messy ponytail, looking slightly flustered and half-asleep. You wonder how she manages under that thick, slightly stained lab coat of hers and read her nametag- medical student. She enters the busy bustling hospital ward filled with patients of all races and medical personnel on their ward rounds, too busy to even spare her a glance. Not that she was worth looking at or listening to, at any rate. She goes over to the disarray of patient files carelessly put at a corner, reaches out for a few patient files, reads a couple, running her finger over the almost illegible handwriting and suddenly she stops, her finger at a standstill. She looks up and locates the bed at which the particular patient is lying. The patient feels her stare and returns it. She bites her lip, smiles tentatively at the patient, breathes a quick prayer, and nears the patient with fake bravado, all the while quaking in her shoes. In broken Malay she tries her best to speak to the patient and make him feel at his ease. After 15 minutes or so, she has exhausted all her questions. She then asks if she could examine him. The patient looks ready to refuse, but seeing her pleading gaze, he sighs and allows. She closes the curtains and observes the patient. The patient shuts his eyes in silent resignation. She reaches out for his hand and the rigmarole begins. Five minutes later she shoves open the curtains and heartily thanks the patient. The patient thanks her, and they both breathe a sigh of relief. As she walks away she again feels the weight of her inadequacy of knowledge and skill.
Haha I read back and realise I've painted such a sombre picture. It isn't. Talking to patients is fun I think, just not so much when it comes to their medical condition. At least that's what I feel...
Things I've learnt this year
1. you can never stop learning
2. I can go longer without shopping than I ever thought I could
3. I don't know how to manage studies and friendship together
4. I can't live without family
5. Dr. DeBakey only slept 2 hours every night
6. I don't know how to socialise
7. I can cook without burning the kitchen and the food
8. you can never love enough
9. I can't manage without God
10. I should stop trying to
11. I think pj is the best place on earth
12. you can't learn medicine in 4 months
13. I hate ironing clothes
14. I don't try enough to show people I care
15. I need to try harder, care more
16. I thank God and mummy I can speak mandarin
17. I miss my grandma so much
18. Teh ais is one of the best drinks in the world
19. I am so loved.
20. Jesus didn't have favourites, John just recognised that he was loved by Him.
And off I go to the wards again... so you're not alone. =)
Friday, 26 March 2010
Sunday, 13 December 2009
choices
I hate making decisions. It always means I have to bear the responsibility and hence, consequences of what I decide.
You know how you sometimes make an order over the phone or purchase something online but it never really hits home until the delivery arrives at your doorstep? You think you've learnt everything God has to teach in that area, but when the delivery finally reaches you, you realise you're wrong- forgiving means there is no longer any barrier between the two of you, forgiving means the protective wall you used to shield yourself, built of hurt, sorrow or even hatred is gone, forgiving means that, as horrible as it sounds, you're vulnerable once more. Shockingly, the same qualities which attracted you still hold their charm- all because you've forgiven and chosen not to remember. Then you make a choice- to put the past behind you or to resume unforgiveness, because that is safer.
That dress is forever Yours Father.
Thank You for blessing this broken road,
and thank you, for waiting, in so many ways.
You know how you sometimes make an order over the phone or purchase something online but it never really hits home until the delivery arrives at your doorstep? You think you've learnt everything God has to teach in that area, but when the delivery finally reaches you, you realise you're wrong- forgiving means there is no longer any barrier between the two of you, forgiving means the protective wall you used to shield yourself, built of hurt, sorrow or even hatred is gone, forgiving means that, as horrible as it sounds, you're vulnerable once more. Shockingly, the same qualities which attracted you still hold their charm- all because you've forgiven and chosen not to remember. Then you make a choice- to put the past behind you or to resume unforgiveness, because that is safer.
That dress is forever Yours Father.
Thank You for blessing this broken road,
and thank you, for waiting, in so many ways.
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
'tis yesterday once more
for the want of a nail,
the shoe was lost
for the want of a shoe,
the horse was lost
for the want of a horse,
the knight was lost
for the want of a knight
the battle was lost.
At what cost darling? At what cost?
The dried yellowed leaves crackled beneath her feet
broken boughs, a withered rose
let it all loose! who will she meet?
a tale, told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.
all our yesterdays have lighted fools...
would you rather seem a greater fool than you are, or be a greater fool than you seem?
lose all that i've gained,
to gain what i cannot lose.
god you have control.
the shoe was lost
for the want of a shoe,
the horse was lost
for the want of a horse,
the knight was lost
for the want of a knight
the battle was lost.
At what cost darling? At what cost?
The dried yellowed leaves crackled beneath her feet
broken boughs, a withered rose
let it all loose! who will she meet?
a tale, told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.
all our yesterdays have lighted fools...
would you rather seem a greater fool than you are, or be a greater fool than you seem?
lose all that i've gained,
to gain what i cannot lose.
god you have control.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
quarantined
That familiar rich shade of red. As she reaches out to finger each exquisite petal, the sunlight glistens off a lone raindrop, perched precariously on the edge of an expanse of green. Biting her lip, she hesitates. For the first time, she realises, in full measure, the cruel significance of every innocent-looking thorn.
Looking heavenward, she thanks God for the pane of glass distancing her from it.
That drop might fall; it might not; the decision was not hers to make, but His.
"These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full."
So tired of feeling...
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."
Looking heavenward, she thanks God for the pane of glass distancing her from it.
That drop might fall; it might not; the decision was not hers to make, but His.
"These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full."
So tired of feeling...
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Moving on
"Why can't things remain the same...?"
"I guess things just don't. People move on..."
Change, one would think, is the only constant in the universe.
The girl stopped in her tracks and turns her head. Precious moments flash past her~
Solitary, she walks to the canteen. A voice remarks from behind, "you would never know even if you were being followed..." Warmth fills her heart. The old has gone, but there is hope for the new.
******
The three of them stand up from the lunch table. She goes off to the stall. Feeling a presence, she turns and sees his smile. Even if they didn't have much to say, he still accompanied her.
******
Her phone beeps. A new sms. "You mean the garbage to me too k? Smile =)" Touched by how you simply just care. Always want to see you smiling...
******
"If you wanna go I'll go with you k? Really do wanna spend time with you..." Despite all I've done and said, you still care. So deeply grateful for you dear...
*******
"Don't need scared k? Trust me." I always did, always will.
*******
*Groans* She hugs her, puts her head against her shoulder and smiles up at her pouting face. Your company means so much to me...
*******
"See la this girl palpate my axillary lymph nodes then palpate my chest.." He complains. Thank you for always bearing with me...
*******
"See again you never sit next to me. Always I have to make the first step..." He moves across the table and takes his place next to her. Your every effort means so much...
*******
"You okay? Come here..." She gives her a hug that squeezes all the breath out of her.
*******
"Aww... hug hug..." Her fragrant scent fills her nostrils. "Even if it's all we have time for."
*******
"How are you girl? Don't worry k? Trust God..." I always underestimate how much I need you.
*******
"Cuz you're one of the few close friends I have, so you kinda mean a lot to me, so I just wanted to know..." You always made time for me... thank you.
********
"And how are you?" Never know how you still manage to care... you, the busiest and most stressed person in the entire world. Whatever you're going through, I'm supporting you.
********
"Only you can really bian tai with me... Miss you so much..." I miss you too. More than you know.
********
Looking back, she smiles.
What a hectic semester it has been.
Change is not the only constant.
God is.
Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God... nothing.
Through every one of them, God loved her.
She fervently wished she had loved them more.
The wind blows, whipping her hair away from her face. Tendrils of hair tease her cheek.
A voice whispers, "there is still time..."
She thinks of their faces smiling at her. She is so blessed...
The girl turns back to face the path ahead. Squaring her shoulders, with a faint smile, she walks on.
p.s. life, should be way more than just you and me.
"I guess things just don't. People move on..."
Change, one would think, is the only constant in the universe.
The girl stopped in her tracks and turns her head. Precious moments flash past her~
Solitary, she walks to the canteen. A voice remarks from behind, "you would never know even if you were being followed..." Warmth fills her heart. The old has gone, but there is hope for the new.
******
The three of them stand up from the lunch table. She goes off to the stall. Feeling a presence, she turns and sees his smile. Even if they didn't have much to say, he still accompanied her.
******
Her phone beeps. A new sms. "You mean the garbage to me too k? Smile =)" Touched by how you simply just care. Always want to see you smiling...
******
"If you wanna go I'll go with you k? Really do wanna spend time with you..." Despite all I've done and said, you still care. So deeply grateful for you dear...
*******
"Don't need scared k? Trust me." I always did, always will.
*******
*Groans* She hugs her, puts her head against her shoulder and smiles up at her pouting face. Your company means so much to me...
*******
"See la this girl palpate my axillary lymph nodes then palpate my chest.." He complains. Thank you for always bearing with me...
*******
"See again you never sit next to me. Always I have to make the first step..." He moves across the table and takes his place next to her. Your every effort means so much...
*******
"You okay? Come here..." She gives her a hug that squeezes all the breath out of her.
*******
"Aww... hug hug..." Her fragrant scent fills her nostrils. "Even if it's all we have time for."
*******
"How are you girl? Don't worry k? Trust God..." I always underestimate how much I need you.
*******
"Cuz you're one of the few close friends I have, so you kinda mean a lot to me, so I just wanted to know..." You always made time for me... thank you.
********
"And how are you?" Never know how you still manage to care... you, the busiest and most stressed person in the entire world. Whatever you're going through, I'm supporting you.
********
"Only you can really bian tai with me... Miss you so much..." I miss you too. More than you know.
********
Looking back, she smiles.
What a hectic semester it has been.
Change is not the only constant.
God is.
Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God... nothing.
Through every one of them, God loved her.
She fervently wished she had loved them more.
The wind blows, whipping her hair away from her face. Tendrils of hair tease her cheek.
A voice whispers, "there is still time..."
She thinks of their faces smiling at her. She is so blessed...
The girl turns back to face the path ahead. Squaring her shoulders, with a faint smile, she walks on.
p.s. life, should be way more than just you and me.
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
little women
One of my favourite books of all time. I just reread it for the umpteenth time. A book which inspires us to be good, in the truest sense of the word, to sow love in the people around you, because love is its own reward.
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-
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Just the other night I was sitting in my corner trying to make new year resolutions and I realised... I was 20. Another page had been flipped, and I've arrived at a new chapter altogether. In the next 10 years the biggest and most momentous decisions of my life would be made, and the course of my future would be set. Scary thought...
-
-
My New Year's Eve was spent very differently this year, and amidst all the wishes and smiles, my mind couldn't stop reliving the past. And I realised. We all have different ways of looking back at our bygones. Some people face it squarely head-on, some people run. I'd always thought I've been a brave girl so far, but for once I chose to be honest with myself and God. More honest than I'd been all year anyway.
The truth is... I hide from the past. From painful memories. From shameful truth. I don't even have the guts to run. I just stand there, rooted to the spot, like a deer caught in the headlights, and I shut my eyes so that the ugliness around me would disappear.
-
The old man and woman to whom I waved goodbye, promising to visit often and pray for.
One visit and lightning prayers were all I could spare.
The friend with whom I thought we had a special friendship which could overcome the challenges of time and distance.
I let my disappointment that I was one of the last to know overwhelm me.
The woman who loved her little girl so much she tried to protect her against every emotional pitfall.
I reciprocate with defiance.
The Father to whom I promised to love forever.
I give him 15 minutes of my time each day. And it's almost always me rambling on and on.
The brood of cousins who look up to her for encouragement, love and guidance.
She treats them like digital pets. Tended to only when free.
The guy with whom she thought she could spend forever with.
They haven't exchanged words in the past year.
The friends whose departure I'd cried over and promised to stay in touch with.
My excuse: too little time.
The church she thought she'd get married in.
It feels more like a building than a family.
-
Everyone has issues. Some people try to work them out. I bemoan their existence and hope that it's enough to make it go away. What do you do with what hurts you? The world tells you to shut them out, to be strong. If you don't let them in they can't hurt you. What do you do?
All things work together for the good of those who love Him, according to His word. So so very true:
The course of study she'd hesitated so much over. Unwilling to forgo dreams for a calling.
The peace she found when she surrendered.
The university she thought she was meant to study at and the disappointment at its rejection.
The love and friendship she now possesses that she wouldn't exchange for anything in the world.
The ministry she'd devoted her time to as a backup option.
The joy she has every time those sweet voices sing with their hearts.
Their innocent friendship.
-
Sometimes we think we know what we want so badly, and we just damnit won't let go until we have it. What I've learnt is things fall naturally into their place, if we let time run its proper course. We do our part, and we trust.
I CANNOT begin to tell you how afraid I am of year 2. So you're not alone =)
-
-
Oh I finished How I Met Your Mother season 3. They say what and who you treasure most will flash before your eyes when death is moments away. What would flash before yours? =)
-Parting note:
Holding a hand of each, and watching the two young faces wistfully, Mrs. March said, in her serious yet cheery way . . .
"I want my daughters to be beautiful, accomplished, and good. To be admired, loved, and respected. To have a happy youth, to be well and wisely married, and to lead useful, pleasant lives, with as little care and sorrow to try them as God sees fit to send.
To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it, Meg, right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy... "
"Poor girls don't stand any chance, Belle says, unless they put themselves forward," sighed Meg.
"Then we'll be old maids," said Jo stoutly.
"Right, Jo. Better be happy old maids than unhappy wives, or unmaidenly girls, running about to find husbands," said Mrs. March decidedly. "Don't be troubled, Meg, poverty seldom daunts a sincere lover. Some of the best and most honored women I know were poor girls, but so love-worthy that they were not allowed to be old maids. Leave these things to time. Make this home happy, so that you may be fit for homes of your own, if they are offered you, and contented here if they are not. One thing remember, my girls. Mother is always ready to be your confidant, Father to be your friend, and both of us hope and trust that our daughters, whether married or single, will be the pride and comfort of our lives."
Poverty. How often we forget how rich we are in home comforts.
May this new year be truly happy.
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Never meant to be this way
You ask me if I love you
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
in what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to run, even fly
lest I just break down and cry
I want to kneel and pray
till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its strategy
leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
lost though she knows the truth
A hesitant prize fighter
still trapped within my youth
At times I wish You'd break me
and drive me to my knees
At times I'd like to break through
and You'd hold me endlessly
At times I understand You
and I know how hard You try
I watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but the cycle begins again
Borrowed from Dan Hill. Patrik asked me to define emo. Well I think this is it. Not the most, but definitely in the category. When you write not to provoke thought, when you write not to encourage and build up. But when you write dark unhealthy thoughts in sombre moods.
-
-
-
Sarah sang me this song on my birthday celebration.
In a while, in a word
Every moment now returns
For a while, seen or heard
How each memory softly burns
Facing you who brings me new tomorrows
I thank God for yesterdays
How they led me to this very hour
How they led me to this place
I once read that the most blissful of happy moments is the moment when you can look back on your yesterdays. Smile faintly. And say, "I was once blissfully happy".
In the last few days of 2008, can you honestly say you are at peace with your yesterdays? Can you thank God for every yesterday?
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God...
...and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
It's never meant this much to me before. Not peace of my own making Father, but Yours.
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
in what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to run, even fly
lest I just break down and cry
I want to kneel and pray
till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its strategy
leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
lost though she knows the truth
A hesitant prize fighter
still trapped within my youth
At times I wish You'd break me
and drive me to my knees
At times I'd like to break through
and You'd hold me endlessly
At times I understand You
and I know how hard You try
I watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but the cycle begins again
Borrowed from Dan Hill. Patrik asked me to define emo. Well I think this is it. Not the most, but definitely in the category. When you write not to provoke thought, when you write not to encourage and build up. But when you write dark unhealthy thoughts in sombre moods.
-
-
-
Sarah sang me this song on my birthday celebration.
In a while, in a word
Every moment now returns
For a while, seen or heard
How each memory softly burns
Facing you who brings me new tomorrows
I thank God for yesterdays
How they led me to this very hour
How they led me to this place
I once read that the most blissful of happy moments is the moment when you can look back on your yesterdays. Smile faintly. And say, "I was once blissfully happy".
In the last few days of 2008, can you honestly say you are at peace with your yesterdays? Can you thank God for every yesterday?
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God...
...and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
It's never meant this much to me before. Not peace of my own making Father, but Yours.
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