在乎

我真的, 在乎我们的结果.

passion

I've been updating myself with gray's anatomy these days. A recurring theme keeps being played on the screen- passion. Not the lusty romantic passion, though there's no denying that there's lots of that too, but the passion for surgery, for medicine. They compete to get the most difficult cases, the most inoperable tumors, the most inexplicable conditions, their own solo surgeries. Even though it is fiction, it just makes one wonder- where has my passion gone? Was it ever there? I cannot tell you how much I admire their guts- to read the text, the procedures, and to calmly carry it out on a human being. Knowledge into action.

I've always thought I had passion for people, and that medicine was just the way by means I cared for the people, but now I've come to realise that I think we need to have passion for the art of medicine itself as well. Not to say I have it, but it seems to be worth trying for.

The other day I received a message that was bewilderingly hurtful. The one time I thought I handled things well, dealt with it by the book... In some battles of life, it's not always the supposed 'victor' who pens history, in some battles, it's the other party who will always have the right, because they 'lost'. But really, there are two sides to every story. Just that not every side is told. Ah well... if we hurt, it's because we care right? Can't be that bad then... and in the larger scheme of things, all these will too, soon be over.

Again, the beginning of a new year. Year 4. The pregnant ladies, the babies, the psychotics, the chronically ill... I'm scared. There are rumors of an upheaval too. Could be for the better, or for worse. The church I'm starting to find my roots in- where should I serve? How much time can I put in?

Speaking of which- praise report. I thought I failed my exams. I didn't. And God gave me good marks. Hallelujah.

"In royal robes, I don't deserve, I live to serve your majesty." Hmmm...

Pastor keeps talking about the Lord's prayer, about how we praise and adore, before we ask. Yet my prayers are always the other way around. More of You, and less of me, in the new year.

it's a beautiful day

it really is. Despite falling sick, despite that awkward silence in the car when I said things I shouldn't have, despite receiving that hurtful message, it still is.

Lord, give me tact.

with you...

...i feels like i could run till my last breath, then run some more.
...i want to taste, see, hear, breathe new things in this world.
...i'm happy.

Father, may it always be that i love You more.

issues

Yes yes I've been watching too much gray's anatomy. I have issues. Which I shouldn't have, because I've had a perfectly blessed childhood with too much love, if that was possible...

I see you driving downtown with the guy I love, and I'm like... forget you~ Why is that song playing now??

Stupid issues.

Productivity. Post partum care. Now that's a piece of cake I can sink my teeth into.