realize

If you just realize what I just realized

That we'd be perfect for each other 

and we'll never find another

Just realize what I just realized 

We'd never have to wonder

If we missed out on each other now

This song brims of meaning like never before. Such a tender, sweet, loving surprise. Why, oh why, do I feel this compelling urge to wait? God if it's not from You, can You please holler and let me know? The future looms uncertainly ahead, Father have mercy. The coming week, I commit it in Your hands- us, induction, team-building, placement. 

For the record, I can't wait to meet you halfway. 

Fresh perspective

Reading the musings of others, it pains me to realise how little substance I've written in the past few years. It seems as though the wisdom of the ages rings as true in the new as it did in the old- that the more I know, the less I understand. Of myself, of God, of the future, of the bigger picture. I frantically grasp at straws, at anything that will breathe new life, new spirit into this broken shell. It cannot be that with the first real disappointment in my life, I pine and waste my days away. Reading back at my old emails, at how my innocent sharing inspired an uncle to continue serving, recalling the old dreams and ambitions, You remind me that there is so much more to accomplish, so much more fruit to be harvested, if only I am ready to be used. The truth of the matter is- far from it. I feel as though I am so tired of trying and fighting, of trying to find a silver lining. At the moment I cannot say- if I were to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing. Because I would? I cannot even say that with certainty. It is no wonder that they say it is not mistakes that kill, but indecision. Why is there indecision? Because of the fear of disappointment, the fear of failure. The Bible says that perfect love casts out fear. My dear girl, it is really not about you.

Found this song that touches me deeply

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0W1xKA0TEtY&feature=share 

In the midst of preparing the lesson for sunday school this coming week, I came across this story online. To bring new life to it, I think this storyteller needs to dig deep first. 

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for GOD to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood and long grass to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. “GOD, how could you do this to me?” he cried.

Early the next day he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island.

It had come to rescue him. “How did you know I was here?” asked the weary man of his rescuers. “We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.

It’s easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn’t lose heart, because GOD is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain, and suffering.

Remember that, the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of GOD.

May these ramblings produce some fruitful work. 

I bow my heart I bend my knee
O Spirit come make me humble
I turn my eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord I cast down my idols

So give me clean hands
give me a pure heart
Let me not lift my soul to another
O God let me be
part of a generation that seeks Your face 

Your will, Your plan

I know I've been holding back every time that twinge of envy comes when I read a facebook post on how they are living it up down there.

I know I still fiercely want my way when I look at my lists of hospitals and find it so difficult to delete it off my desktop.

I know I'm still in denial when I have to fight to get the words out on where and when I'm going next.

I know I'm not giving my all when I say Your will be done but say amen half-heartedly.


In this new year of fruitfulness and faithfulness, God tear this longing from my heart and plant a fresher, deeper longing for what You want. Truly You have gone before me and know that this is best for me. More of you and less of me, so that it might be easier to want what you want. It's hard to say it, but thank You, for reaching down and slamming the door in my face. For caring enough about puny little me to reach all the way down. I want to trust that Your plan is best.

Girl talk with God

I saw this book Girl Talk with God in the bookshop just the other day and felt drawn to it. Thank You for reaching out to me, even when I'm subconsciously holding back. Truly Your love is the only love that is faithful and everlasting. Help me to cling closer to You, bury me in Your love.

Like a rose, trampled on the ground. 这种折腾, 你我不曾体会. This love is unmistakable.

The pretty jay in the borrowed costume. It's finally not me this time. Teach me to be generous, in spirit, with gifts, with time.

拥有

其实已经拥有很多了.

Everyone wants to be included. No one wants to be picked last for teams, no one wants to be not picked at all. But if you are always in the midst of the crowd, you will never notice the one at the sidelines. Jesus left the ninety-nine, and went to seek the lost one. We want to be included because we want to know we matter, but the fact of the matter is- we matter to the One who matters the most. That is the trump card, the ace. What more could we ask? This is not settling, because what or rather Who we are received by, is the Best. How blessed! Heart, ponder on that.

For there I find You waiting
and there I find release

I know I don't say it enough, but thank You. <3 p="p">

The crunch

This is when things come to the crunch. When things don't go your way. Deep in my heart of hearts I know I'm asking why. I don't begrudge my colleague any happiness, I just wish, I could be sharing a bit of his pie too. That his happiness could be mine too.

The thing is, happiness shouldn't be when things go my way. Happiness should just be, regardless, because seriously, I have what really counts.

Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you. Have I really, really been seeking? And seeking first?

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Truly you breathe new life and new meaning into old words. 

Just talking to myself here: seriously, it's not even close to being the desert place!

God it's so tough, but I want things your way. Let this be from my heart, and not just my mind.

There is no shame in learning

就算你比人家慢半拍, 那又怎样?
就算你犯的错误好糟糕, 那又怎样?

学得慢没有罪, 只怕你不敢学.

不要在乎别人的眼光, 那一点也不重要, 因为最重要的人, 都站在你那一边了.

If my God is for me, then who can be against me.

加油!

Year 5

It's May! Against all odds, God has brought me to a goal that seemed so far in the beginning- Year 5, the life I've been experiencing since the start of this year. You can't deny the rush of pride that comes with introducing yourself as a year 5, however tiny. But with it comes so much responsibility, and all that responsibility is only a glimpse of the life ahead as a doctor, and you wonder if you have what it takes. Thank God I'm not alone, that in everything I do, my God is watching. 

Reading the Cochrane protocol late into the night, I wonder if this is the life I'm meant to have. All those half-painted dreams of helping people, wanting to spend my time bringing smiles to patients' faces but am ankles deep in research, missing interaction with children but suddenly apprehensive of paediatric posting... Now I realise the reason we were given Year 5 relatively exam-free- it is to give us time to figure out our next step of life. Being a child of God, my task is both made simpler and more complicated at the same time. In one sense it is more difficult because I need to remember it is not about me but about His greater purpose, but in another sense it is easier because He has gone before me to show me the way. It sometimes feels like I'm on the edge of a cliff and it would just take one more step for me to fall off, but how will you learn to fly unless you let your feet off the ground?

This is it- the process of me growing up and maturing as a young medical professional, as an adult, as a follower of Christ. It is both wonderful and yet scary, and I am both excited and apprehensive. I just had to make a note of this rare moment of solitude and rumination before life slips me by again. 

Note to self: Remember who is in control, and relish the time you have. 

Now to practice what I believe in.    

Gift