Trying to understand..

Gift

2011-12-18T11:58:00.000+08:00

beta blocker

2011-10-21T02:14:00.003+08:00

You bring me peace like no drug can.
I want to keep holding onto that peace.

The biggest waves are yet to come, but you are a faithful God.
Will I be a faithful follower?

Faith-Full. Huh.

weakness

2011-10-13T23:46:00.002+08:00

自卑感四方八面袭击而来, 身价一落千丈...
but you still counted me worthy.
痛, 可是你的痛更深, 更伤.
i know that you are for me
i know that you will never forsake me in my weakness

幸福, 因为我不配拥有, 变得更可贵.

lessons

2011-09-25T01:35:00.005+08:00

Prayer is not a waste of time.

People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care.

Beauty comes from you.

When times seem darkest, your light shines brightest.

I would rather that my heart be without words, than my words be without heart.

"To think that the universe could not contain your glory, yet you chose to live in me."

2011-09-07T21:52:00.001+08:00

sigh.

the calm before the storm

2011-09-06T18:02:00.002+08:00

what boils beneath the calm exterior?

My rock in the tempestuous ocean
As long as I keep my eyes on you
you will lead me to the right path

Father, let my gaze not falter.

2011-08-24T13:46:00.002+08:00

God you are, have been, and always will be.
So amazingly constant.
So constantly amazing.

何必寻找所谓的天堂
原来我因为你
不想再去流浪
情愿平凡
不拥有一切也无妨
有了你在心上
已然是天堂

Thank You for giving me a taste of heaven.
Sort these muddles out, Lord, in your name.

protection

2011-08-19T22:39:00.002+08:00

想从前的憧憬
想从前的爱情
想从前的恩怨
都走了

想现在的平静
想现在的爱情
想现在的幸福
要珍惜

再想
神, 一直都在

lo, I am with you, even until the end of time.

so what if you're not the best?

2011-08-17T23:32:00.003+08:00

Not great. but good enough.
Many things matter, but some things matter more than others.

Priorities are important yes?
So let's get this straight:
I have a great God, a great family, a great boyfriend, a great girlfriend and pretty great books.
I have good grades, good housemates, good food, good elective, good life.

Father teach me contentment.

once again

2011-08-16T23:50:00.000+08:00

help.

the power of the mouth

2011-08-15T00:05:00.002+08:00

God spoke creation into being.
I am His child.
Now, I speak.

if you are faithful in little

2011-08-09T19:27:00.002+08:00

HE will be faithful in MUCH.

Thank you God, for showing me that one simple prayer, can move mountains.
Thank you, for being good and faithful.

learning to say no

2011-07-28T17:52:00.002+08:00

negative.
no.
不.

the promised land

2011-07-25T23:31:00.002+08:00

I wonder how it felt like to be Moses, leading people out of Egypt on the glimmer of hope that one day he would bring them all into the promised land. I wonder what kind of faith he must have had. It is easy to look in retrospect and say the promised land was worth it all, but the process must have been gruelling. Really, blessed are those who continue on when there is no end in sight, and even more blessed are those who strive on with no promised gift in mind but the smile on their Daddy's face. It makes you wonder where your priorities really truly lie.

I want my Daddy to be happy, but can I be shallow and say I want to go to the land flowing with milk and honey as well? =)

She stands at the edge of the blithely laughing crowd and wonders if the day will come when she would no longer be on the outside, looking in. A quiet voice asks, "Does it matter so much?"

It would make that moment in time happier, but no, I guess not.

I miss penning my thoughts down.

Grace

2011-07-18T20:35:00.003+08:00

It feels as though I just owe too much, and try too little, so much so that it becomes so tiring to try and make up for it. Can I just stop, please?

With God it's easy, you know you don't need to try, because He told me His grace is sufficient for me.

But the thing is, what do you do when it's men then?

i choose to believe

2011-07-14T18:50:00.002+08:00

我知道, 你在告诉我, 要相信我, 放轻松...

孩子向爸爸要礼物, 是天经地义, 不需要苦苦哀求.

How great You are

2011-07-09T22:17:00.002+08:00

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
Should I stumble again
I'm caught in your grace

God of my forever, thank you.

Tempestous

2011-07-08T22:31:00.003+08:00

There is a longing deep inside my heart
A raging tempest only You can still

Father God You have shown me the evils of speaking ill, the hurt an innocent comment can cause. Guard my tongue too Lord, that I may not sin against You and men.

Sometimes when life gets too busy and you're turning blue in the face just trying to catch up, you tend to stand back and reevaluate life as you know it. And more often than not, you start to wonder if this is the way life was meant to be. Deep inside us, we all have the longing to be part of something bigger than ourselves, something that will count when all else fades away, but few of us find it, and even fewer of us hold onto it.

Heart, despite the tempest, will you hold on?

顾虑

2011-07-01T12:39:00.002+08:00

不知不觉中, 上帝好像从我生命的一切, 变成了我生命的一部分. 我知道我需要他, 但不是时时刻刻, 分分秒秒. 用了好久的时间, 我终于向自己承认了.

大家都说每一份感情都有四季, 不是吗? 单纯的春天, 热情的夏天, 诗意的秋天, 冰冷的冬天. 也许现在天父与我的感情已逼近冬天了吧... Soul, be patient. 冬天走了, 又是春天了...

是时候成熟了.

choices

2011-06-27T19:18:00.002+08:00

We have choices. We have freedom.

This semester, I want to grow. With You, with you. Grow in spirit, in knowledge, in inner beauty, in courage.

The tide is coming in, but we have a choice. We always do.

beauty

2011-06-09T20:45:00.002+08:00

There is something about shopping that makes you feel insecure. The commercial world preys on your inner insecurities, convincing you that you will be pretty enough only when you have this or that.

1 Peter 3:3-4 Your beauty should not be the outward adornment of arranging of the hair, of wearing gold, or of putting on fine apparel; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible ornament of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.

I want that ornament.

the heavy cloud

2011-06-03T23:44:00.001+08:00

shake it off. shake it off. shake it off.

almost too much to handle

2011-05-31T22:41:00.003+08:00

I feel the storm coming, that whirlwind that will sweep me off my feet and leave me gasping for air. I can't stop fast forwarding in my mind and thinking of the endless list of things that need to be done. The palpitations just won't stop. And I know it's not the way it's supposed to be.

The heart is willing, but the flesh is weak. Why do I not do the things that I should do, but the things that I do not want to do I do?

Father.

Breathe. Just breathe. I need my God. Calm down.

沉默

2011-05-25T23:13:00.002+08:00

始终离不开多愁善感
沉默成了习惯性的答案

明明彼此珍惜
明明拥有幸福
让沉默淹没罪恶感

别emo了! 没营养!

salt and light

2011-05-23T22:43:00.002+08:00

Heart, be at peace. In Christ, there is no fear, no condemnation. Heart, why do you worry?

Peace.

Be still my soul.

paeds

2011-05-16T21:20:00.001+08:00

A lifelong dream. Lord what do you say?

No negative thoughts.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. Powerful words.

there has to be a limit

2011-05-06T18:37:00.002+08:00

There is a limit to how kiasu one can be, and I think I've reached my limit. Enough.

I am so blessed to have electives, and parents supportive enough to finance my travel dreams. Yet I am discontent because I want the best. Wanting the best is good, but I have allowed it to consume me, and I did not realise it until I searched the internet once more in a frenzy, seeking more and more electives at renowned medical schools. The medical school does not make a good doctor, the student and her Father does. And that is the vision. O my soul, why do you fret then? Silly me...

Father, remind me constantly, lest I forget you.
What would I be without you?
What would I be?

God, church. You know what I mean, so Father, help us.

Consuming fire, fan into flame
a passion for Your name

A godly woman.
Heart, have you forgotten so quickly?
Stay with me.

forgiveness

2011-04-20T22:37:00.001+08:00

it takes effort to not bear a grudge.

forgiveness is not an unconscious act.

so loved

2011-04-18T13:45:00.001+08:00

that i should love more. given so much, that i might give more. will i give my best?

discontent

2011-04-14T17:36:00.002+08:00

is dangerous. I want to be good, I want to be better.

And it's good to want to be good. But why do I want to be good? For the patients' sake? Or for my own ego?

Heart, where do you lie? My treasure is with you too..

God, grant that my treasure will be in the right place.

hurtful

2011-04-09T21:16:00.002+08:00

sigh. i will always have reason to praise.

3am with psychiatry

2011-04-06T03:02:00.004+08:00

1. I never knew there would be a time where I disliked writing until people invented assignments. 2. Babies are magical. Children are magical. Will I still love them as much when they're mine? Will I love them enough to spend my whole life treating them? 3. Serving in church tests your pride, your patience and faith. 4. I want to learn to not be hurt by little things. Break my heart, for what breaks Yours. 5. I want to listen more, speak less.

the fruit of the spirit

2011-03-29T22:41:00.000+08:00

patience, kindness, goodness. Lord teach me to be kind.

too late

2011-03-23T21:52:00.001+08:00

to apologise.

mirror mirror hanging on the wall

2011-03-20T13:27:00.002+08:00

have you ever felt as though you don't like yourself one bit at all? Like no matter how you try to change, you're still that same old person?

Yet You love me, when I am so unlovely.

Father, take my pride, my insecurities, my selfishness, all the ugliness within me, take them away. Rebuke me. Change me.

what matters the most

2011-03-13T16:22:00.003+08:00

i always forget.

So caught up with the humdrum of every day life. What would it all matter when tribulation comes? Have I been laying up treasures in heaven? Have I been loving? Have I been obedient? Have I been faithful?

Served in children's worship today. Was just thinking... If I was one of them, it would be so much easier to conform and sit down with the rest, than to stand up and be one of the very few, even at times the only one following the weird jie jie in front do actions that make me look silly. Do I love God? Or do I love man more? Will I love the children because I'm hoping they'll love me back? Or will I love them because they are God's children? Even if there is only one child in the whole room who will worship God, then I will lead her. God give me strength!

In band, in church, I always feel thrown to the keyboard. A small defiant voice always asks- why the keyboard when you say I have a nice voice? And everytime I am humbled. Not because of who I am, but because of what You've done.

自创

2011-03-05T19:22:00.005+08:00

还要走多远我们才会柳暗花明
还要等多久我们才会雨过天晴
我开始累了

他们说在一起是一份注定
那我相信离别也是
我们曾拥有的那一份肯定
随着你的承诺流失

单恋你爱上你想念你
埋怨你生气你讨厌你
胜不过你的对不起

还需要修. 不写了.

Who else do I have but You. You are enough.

greater dreams

2011-03-03T17:38:00.002+08:00

dream bigger.

they fight so hard to realise their dream. All I need is right in front of me. I just need to see more, read more, do more, ask more, experience more.

Remain true to your calling.

What you gonna do with the 36 cents
sticky with coke on your floorboard
when a woman on the street is huddled in the cold
on a sidewalk then trying to keep warm

Do you call her over
Hand her the change
Ask her her story
Ask her her name

Or do you tell yourself...
You're just a fool just a fool to believe you can change the world~
-carrie underwood-

keep trying.

what is it about psychiatry

2011-03-01T23:46:00.002+08:00

1. The patients are so clearly in a world of their own. Not that you don't exist, because you do, but their world does too, but you can't see it.

2. Insight-oriented psychotherapy. I know it's for the better, but I wonder how does it feel to find out you're crazy.

3. The heartbreak when the child psychiatrist tells you your child is "slow"/"different"/"needs help"/"special".

4. I would like to feel the happiness of mania. Doing a lot of goal-oriented activity isn't a bad idea.

5. If I took the dextroamphetamine meant for the ADHD kid, would I be able to concentrate better too?

goodbye...

2011-02-19T00:23:00.001+08:00

baby girl.
I'll see you again some day.
I hope you find a good mummy.

the tongue

2011-02-17T21:39:00.002+08:00

should be minded.

a simple hug

2011-02-10T22:24:00.003+08:00

She shows me what it means to love, with one simple hug.
I need to love more.

Love God, love people, love life.
Love medicine.

谣言止于智者.

不想

2011-02-08T21:41:00.002+08:00

是时候不再在意, 你是否在意我.

这个世界, 还好大.

在乎

2011-01-31T22:21:00.003+08:00

我真的, 在乎我们的结果.

passion

2011-01-29T23:13:00.003+08:00

I've been updating myself with gray's anatomy these days. A recurring theme keeps being played on the screen- passion. Not the lusty romantic passion, though there's no denying that there's lots of that too, but the passion for surgery, for medicine. They compete to get the most difficult cases, the most inoperable tumors, the most inexplicable conditions, their own solo surgeries. Even though it is fiction, it just makes one wonder- where has my passion gone? Was it ever there? I cannot tell you how much I admire their guts- to read the text, the procedures, and to calmly carry it out on a human being. Knowledge into action.

I've always thought I had passion for people, and that medicine was just the way by means I cared for the people, but now I've come to realise that I think we need to have passion for the art of medicine itself as well. Not to say I have it, but it seems to be worth trying for.

The other day I received a message that was bewilderingly hurtful. The one time I thought I handled things well, dealt with it by the book... In some battles of life, it's not always the supposed 'victor' who pens history, in some battles, it's the other party who will always have the right, because they 'lost'. But really, there are two sides to every story. Just that not every side is told. Ah well... if we hurt, it's because we care right? Can't be that bad then... and in the larger scheme of things, all these will too, soon be over.

Again, the beginning of a new year. Year 4. The pregnant ladies, the babies, the psychotics, the chronically ill... I'm scared. There are rumors of an upheaval too. Could be for the better, or for worse. The church I'm starting to find my roots in- where should I serve? How much time can I put in?

Speaking of which- praise report. I thought I failed my exams. I didn't. And God gave me good marks. Hallelujah.

"In royal robes, I don't deserve, I live to serve your majesty." Hmmm...

Pastor keeps talking about the Lord's prayer, about how we praise and adore, before we ask. Yet my prayers are always the other way around. More of You, and less of me, in the new year.

it's a beautiful day

2011-01-28T20:39:00.002+08:00

it really is. Despite falling sick, despite that awkward silence in the car when I said things I shouldn't have, despite receiving that hurtful message, it still is.

Lord, give me tact.

with you...

2011-01-26T01:17:00.002+08:00

...i feels like i could run till my last breath, then run some more.
...i want to taste, see, hear, breathe new things in this world.
...i'm happy.

Father, may it always be that i love You more.

issues

2011-01-24T13:05:00.002+08:00

Yes yes I've been watching too much gray's anatomy. I have issues. Which I shouldn't have, because I've had a perfectly blessed childhood with too much love, if that was possible...

I see you driving downtown with the guy I love, and I'm like... forget you~ Why is that song playing now??

Stupid issues.

Productivity. Post partum care. Now that's a piece of cake I can sink my teeth into.

birthdays

2010-12-25T01:32:00.003+08:00

guess birthdays are always a sensitive time for me... always the painful jolt to reality- well you offered this much of yourself, so you can only expect this much... there is no one to be blamed but me. And yet i dont suppose it's a terrible turn of events- just... reality. Reality i chose. A quiet life, much family, few beloved friends, good books, sweet music. I think i know why God wanted me born on this day- to realise that it really truly is not about me.

Happy birthday Jesus. Thank you for being born. Thank you for your love, for always being there. Jesus you deserve the best... and on this day- I really do hope you'll be happy. Merry Christmas! Hugs.

pure and lovely

2010-12-20T00:20:00.010+08:00

It has been an interesting weekend away with my extended family, far from cumbersome cares of the world and society's demands of who and what you should be. So many thoughts rush through my mind as I hasten to pen my reflections down now...

We do not realise how sorely we need rest, until we allow ourselves to. I've always had a liking for hotels (I think most of us do) and until you rest your head on that soft pillow and surround yourself with that wonderful invention called a comforter in every sense of the word to take an afternoon nap, you never realise how welcome that short repose was until you awaken, refreshed. But that's not the point of this post.

During this retreat, there were 2 great aims- one plainly obvious, one unconscious, even to myself. If you've been reading this before you know of my maternal grandma grandpa in Malacca, who have yet to accept Jesus into their hearts. Since last year, my family has been making a conscious effort to share Christ with them by holding our own service, since they find the ones in church such a bore. At least when loved ones speak, one is compelled to listen. That's our reasoning anyway. So we were holding our service in the hotel room, and my aunt shared. A former devout Buddhist, she accept Christ only a few months back (I'm not exactly sure when). It was difficult times then, my autistic cousin was newly diagnosed with type 1 Diabetes Mellitus, and my uncle was struggling to make a living. My cousin was hospitalised and his blood glucose fluctuated wildly- the doctors predicted a 2-month stay in the hospital. I imagine my aunt fearful, worried, as any mother would be. Her aunt called from Australia, and being a christian, offered to pray for her. And with that prayer, my aunt's salvation was sealed, as the Holy Spirit brought her peace through the voice of a faithful daughter across the ocean, peace that transcended all understanding, even in the face of uncertainty. My cousin's blood glucose levels miraculously stabilised, and he left the hospital after 8 days. =) My uncle, striving to make ends meet for a family that sorely needed him, was working in another state, and my aunt preferred the family together under one roof, which was only natural. So she prayed and prayed, and my uncle, non-believer he was, heard a small voice by his ear, telling him to go back go back go back to his family, and after many days, he left for home, to her great joy. To top it all, she herself was blessed with much business as a hotel manager, and found herself managing to hit her quota for the year despite the odds and nearing deadline. As my aunt shared from her heart, her words borne from a grateful heart touched all who heard, and more than one set of eyes brimmed over, believer and non-believers alike.

As I listened to her speak, I saw, as though through a veil, a world painted eloquently by a womanly soul, whom I had not especially esteemed before- a world in which I had no part to play as of yet. My aunt had been a pretty girl when she dated my uncle and now was still a pretty woman. But the beauty lay deeper within. The deference in her voice as she shared to my grandpa and grandma, the loving way she called them father mother, and the sincerity in which she explained her prayers for them, struck me, once again, with the realisation that marriage is not mere romance and happily ever afters. That with marriage, comes a new set of parents, new responsibilities and new people to love as your own. My aunt, though with no great ambitions and wordly achievements, faithfully fulfilled her calling as a wife, mother and daughter, never drawing the distinction between those who were her kin and those who were only kin by marriage. "A man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall be made one flesh". Yes I know for all purposes and intents this verse does not quite apply here, but somehow it feels right to put it here to remind myself in the future- that his father shall be my father, and his mother be my mother, and I to love and honour them the same way I would my own parents.

I spoke of 2 great aims- the second being, the renewal and refining of my own soul and spirit. I had not admitted the weariness of my soul, even to myself, thinking that it was because I had not yet satisfied my longing for close family companionship after the year-long separation. But the truth is, I think I needed my Father, not just to help me in my times of need as He has been faithful, but also to be with me. I needed quiet time. I need quiet time. I'd read the daily bread, read the Bible dutifully, but not spent the purifying, refreshing time I needed with Him. The dear old truths in my beloved classics, that forever ring true in the old and the new, reminded me of that. Anyway, I spent the weekend perusing through Eight cousins and Rose in bloom, two of my favourite Alcott classics, and was again reminded of the desire to be 'good', in every sense of the word. Call me old-fashioned, but I still believe that a woman's highest calling is to be a comfort and joy in every home whose doorstep she treads, to be a blessing to everyone she meets, to inspire men to be better than who they are- not through promise of love, but through sincere admiration of godly character. And lofty ambition though it is, I haven't been doing that. At all. I haven't even been thinking about it for the longest time. And the reason that I haven't- I think, is because I haven't been spending time with the Daddy who would inspire such thoughts. Pure and lovely thoughts.

Time to begin again. What better time, with Christmas a-beckoning and the New Year around the corner?

Note to self: Don't crave the praises of many, but the sincere love of those who matter.

To Joshua, who may never read this: I'm truly sorry I hurt you. I hope we still are friends.

p.s. jensen remember your promise =)

sleepless nights

2010-12-13T11:53:00.001+08:00

morningless days...not good.

should i? shouldn't i? God? Anything you would like to say?

amazing love

2010-12-06T10:42:00.002+08:00

Thank you for answering my prayer.
Thank you for passing me.

How greedy the human heart... God help me to be content...
Great is your faithfulness.

haunting me

2010-11-26T05:19:00.003+08:00

every mistake... replaying itself...

God help me...

haunting me

2010-11-26T05:19:00.001+08:00

every mistake... replaying itself...

God help me...

reflecting on the past year

2010-11-24T23:24:00.002+08:00

it seems only fitting to do so, after the end of this gruelling year.

Of all things, this year has been a year of learning. Learning to be independent without family, learning to cook, to wash, to clean, learning at the bedside, learning what it truly means to practice medicine. Learning what it means to trust God every step of the way.

OSCE just ended, and I know in some ways I'm being harsh on myself, but I also know I didn't do well. For the written test too. I also know deep down inside me there is a great fear, a fear of losing all that I've accomplished, losing all that I've worked so hard for. And an even greater fear, that if you ask me, if I do lose all of that this year, will I still trust God? Father you've searched my heart, you know my ways... help me Father, hear my plea, let me say that come what may, I will trust in the Lord my God my Saviour. Be still my prideful soul.

And God? I know you hear this too- PLEASE help me to pass. pretty please?

amen.

i guess not

2010-11-11T14:28:00.002+08:00

mock osce.

Should i go back?

Proverbs 3:6 seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Devo says 'we don't make plans and then simply ask God to bless them. God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to.'

"Through you, I can do anything, I can do all things, for it's You who gives me strength. Nothing is impossible. I believe."

i guess i'm not going. Trust. It's not a bargain it's not a bargain it's not a bargain. Whatever happens, your will be done.

all I need is You

2010-10-29T20:46:00.002+08:00

I asked You teach me humility- I tasted humble pie again today.

I asked You to teach me to rely upon You more- you showed me the inconsistency of man.

All I need is You...

The final frontier- Lord you be Lord.

it's not about me

2010-10-20T15:14:00.002+08:00

You think you've learned that lesson- it's not about who you are and what you can do but about God and his total amazingness. But you forget.

And God, kind forgiving person he is, gently reminds.

What can you say when you interpreted signs wrongly, got the diagnosis wrong and still be looked upon favourably?

Only by Your grace.

"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are. "

a part of me

2010-10-15T18:26:00.003+08:00

wants to ask why why why... why why why???

a part of me wants to curl up in a ball and just not face it.

a part of me wants to believe i can do it.

the rest of me says i can't.

"Whoever who calls me Lord Lord and does not do what I tell them to does not belong to me."

Father... help...

Counting days.

2010-10-13T00:29:00.005+08:00

Counting the days.

They say temporary magnets lose their magnetism when the permanent magnet who magnetised them disappears from view.

Slice slice slice...
goes the hurtful blade of my imagination...

I keep bleeding.
And you bleed in consequence.

Winter. Beautiful. Mind-numbingly cold. Frostbite hurts. Father won't you make spring come faster?

temporary home

2010-10-02T01:37:00.003+08:00

did i tell you that this is one of my favourite songs? Brought me to tears...

"This is my temporary home
it's not where I belong
Windows and rooms, where I'm just passing through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I'm going
I'm not afraid because I know
This is my temporary home"
~Temporary Home, Carrie Underwood~

Poignant on so many levels.

101th post

2010-10-02T01:25:00.002+08:00

I didn't even realise it's been so long...

Just a reminder to myself if I come back aeons later to read my reflections- cell talked about Peter and his struggles today... Dorothy said something which really hit home- you know the verse "your word is a light unto a feet, and a lamp unto my path"? Since the light is at the feet, only when the feet start to move, can the path ahead be lighted up. So trust. And then move. Thought-provoking.

Days of stress and exams are beckoning. Father, I am afraid. Teach me to be a 'gentle, quiet spirit', waiting upon you.

I recall the days of feeling lost, and resolve to be independent.

a place we call home

2010-09-11T00:31:00.003+08:00

Unpredictability. Guess that's one thing that you can at least reliably predict about life. We go about our daily business, hoping to accomplish something that would matter, that would mean something to someone. You make plans. One wrong foot, and the whole thing falls to pieces in your face. Or you could live happily ever after. I'm just speaking hypothetically, not talking about romance here, though I know you're thinking it.

We were talking about 'thing's the other day. You know, like the 'thing' you're good in... you've found your thing, your niche, the stage where you shine? What if... I don't have one? I used to think I was good at writing. My childhood dream was to be an authoress like Enid Blyton, to write children's books. Guess reality and the doctor dream won. What if... I was born in a different country? What if I was of a different race and different upbringing, that would encourage big and impossible dreams? Would I have taken the plunge? Oh, and underline the word used in used to think. I saw what good writing was like, even in my secondary school, I don't think I would have made the cut. So back to my question. What if I don't have a thing? Have I not found it yet? Or is there no thing for me? Why don't I have a thing? I'm rambling...

My point is, I'm home. No matter what happens out there in that big scary not-s0-sterile ward where I can't seem to do anything right, don't have any answers when the questions come, where I just can't measure up, I'm home now. To take a breather, to muster up all the courage family love can give, and try again. I am so happy to have a place I can call home. And I take comfort that there is another home waiting for me, anytime He calls me back. I won't lie to you, I'm really afraid of dying, but I really want to go to heaven too. Daddy please remind me of that everytime I feel like I'm straying cuz I don't want to know what life is without you? Thanks...

At least that's one more thing we can predict about life. Home, now and eternal.

p/s Mr. Z with the gluteal sore and paravertebral abscess, I'm sorry about your mother's demise. I hope you're feeling better now. Happy hari raya... I'm proud of you for crying.
p/s Street people, I hope your absence on the streets means you're celebrating hari raya somewhere with your family... I really do.

Praying that everyone in this world will have a place they can call home, and the infinite comfort it brings.

pinch

2010-08-26T13:35:00.002+08:00

yet another.

I'm done. No more struggling.

Li it's hard... it's so damned difficult.

*watches clenched fist, loosening its grip, opening*

不知不觉

2010-08-15T17:19:00.002+08:00

好像, 回不了当初
好像, 我失去了我

爸爸, 把我带回来. 让我把信心, 快乐找回来.
领导我爱人, 爱你, 爱自己.

他躺在我身边, 在梦乡中, 看起来好平静.
不想再哭泣, 不想再让他难过.
真的够了.
配不配, 让你来做主.

是时候成长了, 女孩.

i wish

2010-08-12T23:20:00.001+08:00

i could make you feel at home.
i wish.
i was a better person.

peer pressure

2010-08-07T23:00:00.001+08:00

you don't even know you're feeling it until it's too late.

enough.

greater things are yet to come,
greater things are still to be done.

God take the feeling away...

so just maybe...

2010-07-28T18:29:00.002+08:00

I didn't do very well for MCR. But I passed. Happy =)
Speaking to the patient today, I was thinking just maybe... just maybe... I can become a real doctor. Those people who can tell what's wrong with you.

From now on I will always ask smoking history even if the patient looks like a little boy. I will also always count respiratory rate regardless of whether patient looks comfortable. That's a promise.

thank you God for seeing me through. And Li, Nicholas and mummy who prayed.

treasure

2010-07-22T00:06:00.002+08:00

As I stood in bedside tonight, looking at the earnest faces around, I wondered- what is my treasure? What do the people around me treasure?

We attend lectures in late evenings and extra bedsides during free time to learn more, we go for dinners and get-togethers to bond, we watch series after series for that hot actor/actress/brain-melting entertainment... what is it we treasure? What do we hope to gain?

I see that uncle with stomach cancer so bad he's under palliative care, lying on the bed smiling so kindly at me everytime I go to see him and make conversation, he and I both knowing I'm just trying to find words to say to fill the emptiness... The girl with a brain tumor of 11 years tells me how she tried to "go home to die" instead of undergoing a surgery because she is afraid of being in a vegetative state... No wonder people become surgeons. They want to know they're doing something meaningful, they want to truly make a difference.

I know I'm not making much sense. Nicholas Grace Sarah Terence Jun Yet Tim Christine Beng Sam Hui Ruan Evonne Jo Hans Li Jonathan Suks... i treasure you. I take comfort in the fact that people dun read my blog so this is safe.

from the treasure of the heart the mouth speaks.

to be near you

2010-07-17T18:35:00.004+08:00

so blessed to have you.

interesting interesting...

2010-07-12T14:36:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was an interesting day indeed.

Pastor talked about being present. Not being here but thinking of what I need to do there, but to focus my mind on right here right now.

I had a good lunch with close friends I haven't talked to in a long time.

I signed up for ballroom dancing classes.

I clerked a patient with undiagnosed bloody diarrhoea and one month abdominal pain. Colonoscopy and OGDS reveal no lesions.

I entered the operating theatre for the first time in my life, dressed up like Gray's anatomy people and watched 2 surgeries. Finger attachment and a LeFort I. Stayed there from 730pm-1230am on a Sunday night. You have to respect the surgeons.

Stayed up to watch Spain and Holland fight it out. Slept at 5am.

Woke up for discussion on chronic liver disease for 3.5 hours. And enjoyed myself thoroughly.

MCRs are coming up. Am I whole-hearted about what I do? Will I be?

God help me.

little things

2010-07-09T14:55:00.002+08:00

1. i have amazing housemates.
2. i have wonderful permanent residents.
3. surgeons aren't exactly the nicest people in the world, but they command respect.
4. God has answered my prayer again.
5. I will be content.
6. Did I tell you my boyfriend is the most patient, kindest person in the world?
7. He really is.
8. With God, these 4-5 months in surgery will count for something.
9. i will be compassionate and think for my patients.
10. i love my family to bits.
11. i will not judge.
12. i will be secure.

no more tomorrows

2010-06-27T01:48:00.001+08:00

pray pray pray.

it's time to talk.

no more tomorrows

2010-06-27T01:48:00.000+08:00

pray pray pray.

it's time to talk.

when it's all about me

2010-06-09T16:34:00.006+08:00

this is what happens. Seriously. What were you thinking Rachel Ooi. Screamed enough, cried enough, it's enough.

right now i really can hardly breathe.

i need to continue ranting. why don't i care enough anymore? where is your passion? really, it's time to stop doing things for myself. He is no fool who loses what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose. pride, into the trash you go.

confidence.
It's time to put your foot down. It's time to start believing and trusting.

Take a chance
walk that dance.

i think a teratoma is not a bad thing to be.

street feeding

2010-06-05T11:59:00.004+08:00

I woke up at 630am on a Saturday morning. A rare occasion, unless it was one of those days where I was semangat enough to go practice venepuncture at the outpatient clinic. Which has only happened once.

It was almost surreal walking along the street in the early morning, looking for homeless people to give food to. It's even surreal writing about it, I'm not sure why. I'm amazed that this programme is the brainchild of my contemporaries- a simple idea- to go out, feed a few hungry mouths, engage them in conversation, identify their needs, come up with a long-term solution for their problems.

People need people. One of them teared up as we spoke to him- a drinker husband chased out of his home. I guess he just needed someone to talk to. I was just thinking- I think it's so nice of me to sacrifice my sleep to feed a few homeless people, but it takes so much more courage and humility on their part to accept the offering, to admit they need help.

I keep telling myself- it's just a week more. A week more before I go back to being princess in my own home, to be surrounded by all my family comfort and love. Will I make this week worthwhile? Will I concentrate on trusting and pleasing my Daddy this week?

"Right now I can hardly breathe.."
"You can do it, just know that I believe.."
"And that's all I really need~"
"So come on, it's time to turn it up~"

Game on =)

thoughts

2010-05-22T00:15:00.004+08:00

Cell lesson spoke today. Deeply.

I never would've thought of it, but I guess I was feeling it. The spirit of heaviness, enfolding me. I see it so clearly in my previous post.

Not heaviness, but the spirit of praise.
Ashes to beauty.
Sorrow to joy.

I hear Dr Sivalal's voice in my head, "be more positive!"

So God help me.

p/s I'm excited about kids' ministry =)

the fog's coming

2010-05-19T19:21:00.002+08:00

washing over me
i know i can't let it take control
not now
not ever actually

i want to stand in the gap
between the living and the dead
give me a heart of compassion
for a world without vision

i need you
teach me to lean on you
i can't do it without you
father take the fog away
brush away the darkness like only you can

it's too much
the silence muffling my desperate scream
shine your light
lead the way

=(

2010-05-19T08:42:00.000+08:00

Beloved tendon hammer, where art thou?

Doth thou not know'st my mcr is at hand???

Huhu =(

How la...

I can only imagine

2010-05-17T08:16:00.002+08:00

Surrounded by Your glory
what will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still?

Here I sit on a rainy Monday morning, freezing. I've been meaning to blog for a century or so, but never had the time or the words. Not like I do now... but still... surely a whole posting in medicine has to merit 1 post.

Let me paint you a picture. It's a hot Tuesday morning, the sunlight streaming in through the window panes and thin cotton curtains. A girl walks in, hair bunched into a messy ponytail, looking slightly flustered and half-asleep. You wonder how she manages under that thick, slightly stained lab coat of hers and read her nametag- medical student. She enters the busy bustling hospital ward filled with patients of all races and medical personnel on their ward rounds, too busy to even spare her a glance. Not that she was worth looking at or listening to, at any rate. She goes over to the disarray of patient files carelessly put at a corner, reaches out for a few patient files, reads a couple, running her finger over the almost illegible handwriting and suddenly she stops, her finger at a standstill. She looks up and locates the bed at which the particular patient is lying. The patient feels her stare and returns it. She bites her lip, smiles tentatively at the patient, breathes a quick prayer, and nears the patient with fake bravado, all the while quaking in her shoes. In broken Malay she tries her best to speak to the patient and make him feel at his ease. After 15 minutes or so, she has exhausted all her questions. She then asks if she could examine him. The patient looks ready to refuse, but seeing her pleading gaze, he sighs and allows. She closes the curtains and observes the patient. The patient shuts his eyes in silent resignation. She reaches out for his hand and the rigmarole begins. Five minutes later she shoves open the curtains and heartily thanks the patient. The patient thanks her, and they both breathe a sigh of relief. As she walks away she again feels the weight of her inadequacy of knowledge and skill.

Haha I read back and realise I've painted such a sombre picture. It isn't. Talking to patients is fun I think, just not so much when it comes to their medical condition. At least that's what I feel...

Things I've learnt this year
1. you can never stop learning
2. I can go longer without shopping than I ever thought I could
3. I don't know how to manage studies and friendship together
4. I can't live without family
5. Dr. DeBakey only slept 2 hours every night
6. I don't know how to socialise
7. I can cook without burning the kitchen and the food
8. you can never love enough
9. I can't manage without God
10. I should stop trying to
11. I think pj is the best place on earth
12. you can't learn medicine in 4 months
13. I hate ironing clothes
14. I don't try enough to show people I care
15. I need to try harder, care more
16. I thank God and mummy I can speak mandarin
17. I miss my grandma so much
18. Teh ais is one of the best drinks in the world
19. I am so loved.
20. Jesus didn't have favourites, John just recognised that he was loved by Him.

And off I go to the wards again... so you're not alone. =)

笑

2010-03-26T22:35:00.004+08:00

致: 恩雄

终究, 是你的失望
不测, 是我的关心

你要幸福... 是我欠你的.

因为, 幸福应该一起分享才算.

choices

2009-12-13T01:44:00.006+08:00

I hate making decisions. It always means I have to bear the responsibility and hence, consequences of what I decide.

You know how you sometimes make an order over the phone or purchase something online but it never really hits home until the delivery arrives at your doorstep? You think you've learnt everything God has to teach in that area, but when the delivery finally reaches you, you realise you're wrong- forgiving means there is no longer any barrier between the two of you, forgiving means the protective wall you used to shield yourself, built of hurt, sorrow or even hatred is gone, forgiving means that, as horrible as it sounds, you're vulnerable once more. Shockingly, the same qualities which attracted you still hold their charm- all because you've forgiven and chosen not to remember. Then you make a choice- to put the past behind you or to resume unforgiveness, because that is safer.

That dress is forever Yours Father.

Thank You for blessing this broken road,
and thank you, for waiting, in so many ways.

'tis yesterday once more

2009-09-30T13:04:00.003+08:00

for the want of a nail,
the shoe was lost
for the want of a shoe,
the horse was lost
for the want of a horse,
the knight was lost
for the want of a knight
the battle was lost.

At what cost darling? At what cost?

The dried yellowed leaves crackled beneath her feet
broken boughs, a withered rose
let it all loose! who will she meet?

a tale, told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury,
signifying nothing.

all our yesterdays have lighted fools...

would you rather seem a greater fool than you are, or be a greater fool than you seem?

lose all that i've gained,
to gain what i cannot lose.

god you have control.

quarantined

2009-08-09T03:47:00.002+08:00

That familiar rich shade of red. As she reaches out to finger each exquisite petal, the sunlight glistens off a lone raindrop, perched precariously on the edge of an expanse of green. Biting her lip, she hesitates. For the first time, she realises, in full measure, the cruel significance of every innocent-looking thorn.

Looking heavenward, she thanks God for the pane of glass distancing her from it.

That drop might fall; it might not; the decision was not hers to make, but His.

"These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full."

So tired of feeling...

"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."

Moving on

2009-06-14T01:02:00.003+08:00

"Why can't things remain the same...?"
"I guess things just don't. People move on..."

Change, one would think, is the only constant in the universe.

The girl stopped in her tracks and turns her head. Precious moments flash past her~

Solitary, she walks to the canteen. A voice remarks from behind, "you would never know even if you were being followed..." Warmth fills her heart. The old has gone, but there is hope for the new.

******

The three of them stand up from the lunch table. She goes off to the stall. Feeling a presence, she turns and sees his smile. Even if they didn't have much to say, he still accompanied her.

******

Her phone beeps. A new sms. "You mean the garbage to me too k? Smile =)" Touched by how you simply just care. Always want to see you smiling...

******

"If you wanna go I'll go with you k? Really do wanna spend time with you..." Despite all I've done and said, you still care. So deeply grateful for you dear...

*******

"Don't need scared k? Trust me." I always did, always will.

*******

*Groans* She hugs her, puts her head against her shoulder and smiles up at her pouting face. Your company means so much to me...

*******

"See la this girl palpate my axillary lymph nodes then palpate my chest.." He complains. Thank you for always bearing with me...

*******

"See again you never sit next to me. Always I have to make the first step..." He moves across the table and takes his place next to her. Your every effort means so much...

*******

"You okay? Come here..." She gives her a hug that squeezes all the breath out of her.

*******

"Aww... hug hug..." Her fragrant scent fills her nostrils. "Even if it's all we have time for."

*******

"How are you girl? Don't worry k? Trust God..." I always underestimate how much I need you.

*******

"Cuz you're one of the few close friends I have, so you kinda mean a lot to me, so I just wanted to know..." You always made time for me... thank you.

********

"And how are you?" Never know how you still manage to care... you, the busiest and most stressed person in the entire world. Whatever you're going through, I'm supporting you.

********

"Only you can really bian tai with me... Miss you so much..." I miss you too. More than you know.

********

Looking back, she smiles.

What a hectic semester it has been.
Change is not the only constant.
God is.
Nothing can ever separate us from the love of God... nothing.

Through every one of them, God loved her.
She fervently wished she had loved them more.

The wind blows, whipping her hair away from her face. Tendrils of hair tease her cheek.

A voice whispers, "there is still time..."

She thinks of their faces smiling at her. She is so blessed...

The girl turns back to face the path ahead. Squaring her shoulders, with a faint smile, she walks on.

p.s. life, should be way more than just you and me.

little women

2009-01-07T02:31:00.007+08:00

One of my favourite books of all time. I just reread it for the umpteenth time. A book which inspires us to be good, in the truest sense of the word, to sow love in the people around you, because love is its own reward.

-
-
-

Just the other night I was sitting in my corner trying to make new year resolutions and I realised... I was 20. Another page had been flipped, and I've arrived at a new chapter altogether. In the next 10 years the biggest and most momentous decisions of my life would be made, and the course of my future would be set. Scary thought...

-
-

My New Year's Eve was spent very differently this year, and amidst all the wishes and smiles, my mind couldn't stop reliving the past. And I realised. We all have different ways of looking back at our bygones. Some people face it squarely head-on, some people run. I'd always thought I've been a brave girl so far, but for once I chose to be honest with myself and God. More honest than I'd been all year anyway.

The truth is... I hide from the past. From painful memories. From shameful truth. I don't even have the guts to run. I just stand there, rooted to the spot, like a deer caught in the headlights, and I shut my eyes so that the ugliness around me would disappear.

The old man and woman to whom I waved goodbye, promising to visit often and pray for.
One visit and lightning prayers were all I could spare.

The friend with whom I thought we had a special friendship which could overcome the challenges of time and distance.
I let my disappointment that I was one of the last to know overwhelm me.

The woman who loved her little girl so much she tried to protect her against every emotional pitfall.
I reciprocate with defiance.

The Father to whom I promised to love forever.
I give him 15 minutes of my time each day. And it's almost always me rambling on and on.

The brood of cousins who look up to her for encouragement, love and guidance.
She treats them like digital pets. Tended to only when free.

The guy with whom she thought she could spend forever with.
They haven't exchanged words in the past year.

The friends whose departure I'd cried over and promised to stay in touch with.
My excuse: too little time.

The church she thought she'd get married in.
It feels more like a building than a family.

Everyone has issues. Some people try to work them out. I bemoan their existence and hope that it's enough to make it go away. What do you do with what hurts you? The world tells you to shut them out, to be strong. If you don't let them in they can't hurt you. What do you do?

All things work together for the good of those who love Him, according to His word. So so very true:

The course of study she'd hesitated so much over. Unwilling to forgo dreams for a calling.
The peace she found when she surrendered.

The university she thought she was meant to study at and the disappointment at its rejection.
The love and friendship she now possesses that she wouldn't exchange for anything in the world.

The ministry she'd devoted her time to as a backup option.
The joy she has every time those sweet voices sing with their hearts.
Their innocent friendship.

Sometimes we think we know what we want so badly, and we just damnit won't let go until we have it. What I've learnt is things fall naturally into their place, if we let time run its proper course. We do our part, and we trust.

I CANNOT begin to tell you how afraid I am of year 2. So you're not alone =)

-
-

Oh I finished How I Met Your Mother season 3. They say what and who you treasure most will flash before your eyes when death is moments away. What would flash before yours? =)

Parting note:

Holding a hand of each, and watching the two young faces wistfully, Mrs. March said, in her serious yet cheery way . . .

"I want my daughters to be beautiful, accomplished, and good. To be admired, loved, and respected. To have a happy youth, to be well and wisely married, and to lead useful, pleasant lives, with as little care and sorrow to try them as God sees fit to send.

To be loved and chosen by a good man is the best and sweetest thing which can happen to a woman, and I sincerely hope my girls may know this beautiful experience. It is natural to think of it, Meg, right to hope and wait for it, and wise to prepare for it, so that when the happy time comes, you may feel ready for the duties and worthy of the joy... "

"Poor girls don't stand any chance, Belle says, unless they put themselves forward," sighed Meg.

"Then we'll be old maids," said Jo stoutly.

"Right, Jo. Better be happy old maids than unhappy wives, or unmaidenly girls, running about to find husbands," said Mrs. March decidedly. "Don't be troubled, Meg, poverty seldom daunts a sincere lover. Some of the best and most honored women I know were poor girls, but so love-worthy that they were not allowed to be old maids. Leave these things to time. Make this home happy, so that you may be fit for homes of your own, if they are offered you, and contented here if they are not. One thing remember, my girls. Mother is always ready to be your confidant, Father to be your friend, and both of us hope and trust that our daughters, whether married or single, will be the pride and comfort of our lives."

Poverty. How often we forget how rich we are in home comforts.

May this new year be truly happy.

Never meant to be this way

2008-12-30T00:40:00.004+08:00

You ask me if I love you
and I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
in what you say or do
I'm only just beginning
to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to run, even fly
lest I just break down and cry
I want to kneel and pray
till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
lost though she knows the truth
A hesitant prize fighter
still trapped within my youth

At times I wish You'd break me
and drive me to my knees
At times I'd like to break through
and You'd hold me endlessly
At times I understand You
and I know how hard You try
I watched while love commands you
and I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but the cycle begins again

Borrowed from Dan Hill. Patrik asked me to define emo. Well I think this is it. Not the most, but definitely in the category. When you write not to provoke thought, when you write not to encourage and build up. But when you write dark unhealthy thoughts in sombre moods.

-
-
-

Sarah sang me this song on my birthday celebration.

In a while, in a word
Every moment now returns
For a while, seen or heard
How each memory softly burns
Facing you who brings me new tomorrows
I thank God for yesterdays
How they led me to this very hour
How they led me to this place

I once read that the most blissful of happy moments is the moment when you can look back on your yesterdays. Smile faintly. And say, "I was once blissfully happy".

In the last few days of 2008, can you honestly say you are at peace with your yesterdays? Can you thank God for every yesterday?

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God...

...and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

It's never meant this much to me before. Not peace of my own making Father, but Yours.

Daydreams~

2008-11-20T16:08:00.026+08:00

Finally. The exams are over. Well technically speaking they've been over for a week and a half =P Life at home is certainly different. Quiet perhaps, but I like it =)

Lately I've been watching a lot of taiwan and hongkong dramas, not to mention High School Musical 3. But sometimes... I just wonder how many of these shows can I take before I implode. Don't get me wrong, these shows are incredibly... *swoons*. It's just that... they lift you up and twirl you into this fantasy of romance and beauty and you start spinning sweet daydreams in your imagination~ Then The End is artistically inscribed on the screen, and you hit reality with a painful thud. And all you're left with is this faint dull ache, wishing that it could all be true.. With every show the ache might just deepen..

Inspired by and dedicated to 2 dear friends:

Redefinition

The intricate line that sets them apart-

the bridge which joins heart to heart

Her voice cries out

“Father…”

Silence richer than the spoken word

Blooms a lone white lily, open to hurt

Louder than a shout

His tear, unshed.

Dare they trespass a plane so narrow

Willfulness unfolding, threatens to grow

All halts at one gentle command

“Wait on Me…”

Comforted, secure to complete the race

Together, separate, imperfect in grace

Patient, unselfish, never failing

Through His Fire

Love, redefined.

The quote I wanted to share the other day:

"Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

~Anne of Avonlea~

Perhaps that's how we should all begin. But not all of us have to end the same way =)

I reread my post dated 21st April 2007. I guess some things just don't change.

Okay I've rambled enough. I'll get to the point of the post today. A simple UPDATE. But since there's so little to tell I'll introduce some of the people who've made all the difference in life in medical school. In chronological order:

At Grace's birthday dinner. Lame King Daniel.

Dearest Sarah.

Jun Yet living his dream. JY do you know we haven't had a photo of just the 2 of us in a long time??

Last day of the semester- my group's theme: Bollywood.

Darling Evonne.

Ex-taiwan-drama-hater Patrik.

Supermodel Samantha.

Guy on the left. Nicholas either we haven't been taking many photos together or they've gone missing. Or maybe we were too lazy to collect. C =)

At the MUMEDS formal dinner. My hot Grace.

Tim =)

Terence and Nicholas' farewell.
Guy from right. Fashion expert Terence. Who both saved and touched me in 2 days consecutively.
Ter I don't have a single photo of us since LAST sem's last day! =(

The spectacular view the night of formal dinner.

There're still some more. But some are camera-shy and some... well... I guess maybe we were too caught up to take any.

OH for my dear far-off friends who don't know, I got JPA. All glory to God.

-
-

Moving on. Shows I'm currently watching:

It Started With a Kiss. Yes I am rewatching this. So what? It's soo sweet!

Romantic Princess.

Moonlight Resonance.

Shows I've finished watching:

Speech of Silence.

How I Met Your Mother Season 2.
My heart broke when they broke up.

I know some things happen for the best.. I know he eventually meets the mother...

But IT'S STILL HORRIBLE. EVIL SCRIPTWRITER!!!

Thank God for these 2. Still going strong.

Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all

Now won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

And with every step together
We just keep on getting better

*Sighs*
*Slaps self*
WAKE UP!!

-
-

Take my love- my God, I pour
At thy feet its treasure store.
~Francis Ridley Havergal~

There is a longing only You can fill
A raging temptest only You can still
My soul is thirsty Lord
To know You as I'm known
Drink from the river
That flows before your throne

Take me deeper
Deeper in love with You
Jesus hold me close in Your embrace
Take me deeper
Deeper than I've ever been before
I just want to love You more and more
How I long to be deeper in love

By all means, take me deeper.

Myriad.

2008-10-08T00:40:00.010+08:00

It's the party to end all parties. And by some miracle, you secured an invitation.

You slink into the room, pour yourself a drink, take out your handphone and pretend to look busy. All around you are beautiful people, dressed to the nines, laughing as though they didn't have a care in the world.

There she comes. That amazingly sweet girl. The hit of the entire school. The girl every guy liked and every girl wanted to be like. The girl even girls loved to hang out with because she was lovable and simply earnestly sincere. The girl who'd never be alone because everyone wanted to spend time with her.

I've always wondered. What would it feel like being her? What is it that makes her tick? What is it that's so special about her that I can't help liking her? God if you gave everyone a role in life to play, why couldn't you have given me her role? Why am I always the on the sidelines? When will be my turn God? Will it ever be? God you said you are a fair God but where is the justice in this??

Yes I admit. Childish. Selfish. Mean.

Inside me this quiet voice speaks-

"If I had given you her role, would you still be able to understand how those on the sidelines feel?"

And this random thought just flew in-

"You are on the sidelines in her story, but she is on the sidelines in your story. I am fair. Focus on the ultimate Story."

And this verse comes to mind-

"Yet the house of Israel says, ‘The way of the Lord is not fair.’ O house of Israel, is it not My ways which are fair, and your ways which are not fair? Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways,' says the Lord God." Ezekiel 18:29-30

"My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord.'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways,And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Sigh. Trial and error. And error. And error.

"What matters most is you don't stop trying.."

I think... you could have all the Bible verses at your fingertips but yet still feel totally lost and miserable.

"Have faith, Rachel... have faith!" I hear Li's voice in my head.

Confession time: I'm in the poetry emo mood.

Jensen dear in case you're wondering why is Rachel constantly emo-ing in her blog it's because she almost never blogs unless she is.

Written in the wee hours one cold morning: Shelf

A whisper floated that star studded night

Your voice speaks gently by her ear

"Cherish the moment come what it might..

Child, what is it you really fear?"

Fear? This word she ponders, quiet, shy

"Perhaps I do..." softly, eyes towards the sky

"Love, child, love... where is your faith?"

The greatest is love, thus He saith.

"Future, Father, love itself.

How? When? Will I be placed on the shelf?"

"You seek to understand what you cannot, my dear..

Child, love, perfect, casts out fear."

Written at the eleventh hour after a heartwarming birthday celebration: Value

Within such wealth infinite emptiness

One can't help wonder- paranoia

Mystery.

Beneath the facade of joy insecurity

Sincerity's all a blind

Rubbish.

Ponder the depth the meaning behind

How long will you spare- unveil the mask?

Value.

What if you set a price so high, no one can afford?

... But child, I paid the highest price...

......

Value.

Can't get it out my head Daniel~

To publish a mandarin story would be a dream fulfilled. When itch just became too much: 累

五：

一封你收不到的信，该如何写起。

复杂的感觉，预言又止。我好累，好累。

是我错了吗？在你眼中我是何等卑微，别人称赞我多才多艺善解人意，在你眼中，我谁也不是。我真的真的曾经努力过，试图在你心中掀起涟漪，可是我做不到！

你背对着我离开，难过排山倒海涌过来。我，无能为力。每一滴眼泪，一丝酸楚，在你眼底变得无影无形。

寂寞与悲愤的挣扎中，我两败俱伤。好厌恶在你拥抱中寻找幸福的自己，好看不起为你的快乐赔上感情的我。就算我的天空只剩下一片空白，无蓝天，无云朵，这是最后一封了。

五，你赢了，虽然这不是一场比赛。

六停笔。

Next topic.

I've always thought people are like geometrical shapes.

You can be square, octagonal, triangular, round, oval... Some people are incredibly easy to get along with- they are round. Anywhere they go they roll along smoothly without obstruction.

Some people are more difficult- they have angles. They trudge with their elbows out, occasionally hurting the unsuspecting passerby, and some, hurt more than others. More often than not, they get hurt themselves.

I think most of us belong to the second category. I hands down do. If you search deep inside me, you'd probably dig out a whole sack full of self hatred, which I'm not sure I don't rightfully deserve.

The unintentional experiment has proved its point. Life without God, is terrible. With the simple words of my tongue, and sometimes even unspoken, I've hurt so many in the past few days. And been hurt in return. Fair, so no complaints here.

In my msn nickname I've used the phrase "in the grip of Grace" for years, but today I realise how naive I was. Being saved, I considered myself to be constantly in the grip of grace, that by grace I was forgiven and that was it. But I forgot that being in the grip of grace meant I was called to be gracious as well. To be gracious. To speak only when needed but to constantly listen.

Grace. Simple word. Complex connotation.

How often do I extend God-given grace to the people around me?

Time to learn. Join me? =)

Looking through Your eyes

2008-09-15T00:39:00.007+08:00

For those who've been checking this page in vain, I'm sorry for the complete silence.

I've always loved blogging, but lately... it's been getting tough. Sometimes there's just nothing to say, and sometimes there's too much...

Just suddenly, you realise that the blogging realm isn't your own private cocoon, and there are unforgiving eyes reading your innermost thoughts and judging.

And you chaff yourself for idealistically thinking that the world's a beautiful place- all sunshine and four-leaf clover~

where men and women could walk hand in hand like the boys and girls of yesteryear...
where every hurt could be soothed away, every tear wiped dry...
where only words of love flowed abundantly...
where innocence and warmth prevailed...

I guess what I'm trying to say is... my last few weeks weren't the greatest, hence the last Frustration post. There was hurt, unforgiveness, envy, pain... and I, priding myself a mature young woman, took it like a child. Like a spoilt brat.

But He changed it all.

In church that fateful Sunday, pastor was talking about grace.

Everyone needs compassion

a love that's never ending

Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness

the kindness of a savior

The hope of nations

Savior

He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

Indeed. Everyone needs compassion. Everyone needs forgiveness. Mercy fell upon me once again that morning.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound

that saved a wretch like me

***************************

We had an intriguing discussion a few centuries back at Carl's Junior.

Assuming this was possible, would you marry yourself?

Come on, think with me!! It's a fascinating topic!!

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-

-

-

Okay okay... I can hear the flies buzzing. Laugh k... it's funny =P

Alright I'll get on with it.

Almost all of us dream of marrying the right someone, having cute kids and growing old together... but the thought of marriage- to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part... beautiful, and yet scary. Guess I'm not ready.

Back to the question.

Makes you really start to think about how you see yourself huh.. You mentally tick off your good points and flaws and slowly weigh and consider (if you're as bored as I am). Personal stock check session. Then you have the answer- of how in love with yourself you are =P

Then it gets a bit more serious. And you start to wonder what does God think of you. Scary road to go down. At least for me.

Then this love song comes to mind... and suddenly it's not eros love, but agape...

God sings:

Look at the sky

Tell me what do you see
Just close your eyes and describe it to me

The heavens are sparkling with starlight tonight

That's what I see through your eyes

I sing:

Here in the night I see the sun

Here in the dark our two hearts are one

It's out of my hands

I can't stop what You have begun

And love just took me by surprise

Looking through Your eyes

I look at myself

And instead I see us

Whoever I am now it feels like enough

And I see a girl who is learning to trust

That's who I see through Your eyes

You and I sing:

And there are some things we don't know

Sometimes a heart just needs to go

And there is so much I'll remember

Underneath the open sky with You forever

*sighs*

So easy to get caught up in the passion of the moment,

and dwindle down the next...

So simple to write thought-provoking heartwarming sentences,

yet so hard to mean every word written...

**************************

So take me as you find me

All my fears and failures

Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

**************************

Ultimately...

Peace...

And the world?

It's still a beautiful place- all sunshine and four leaf clover...

Men and women will still walk hand in hand like the boys and girls of yesteryear...

Every hurt can still be soothed, every tear wiped dry...

Words of love will still flow abundantly...

Innocence and warmth will still prevail...

Why?

I guess it's a matter of perspective.

And divine intervention =)

Now if I could just keep holding onto this joy~

I almost forgot.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY GRACE TAY HUI LING!!

P.S. terence faster post up photos!! but no rush =)

Frustration

2008-09-03T16:49:00.002+08:00

Peace, you said.

Peace…

A raging tempest.
A deafening whirpool.
The cricket stares on.

Mute.

Blind.

Hearing intact.

Loneliness cloaked him
but he was lonely no more.
Blessed solitude…

The cricket stares on.

The velvet blackness around him
Deep fulfillment within him
Strangely empty

The waves crashing in.
Trust ebbing away.
Impending rage.
Gloom.

Finally… peace.

But you were wrong.

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

Father you are King over the flood
I will be still
know you are God

Seek. Wait. Find.

2008-07-27T02:03:00.006+08:00

In mental state examination tutorial

"What can we observe of this woman?"
"She's crazy!!!"
"Why do you say that?"
"She's... too happy! No one can be that happy!"

... Is she really the one who's deranged? Or are we the ones with problems instead? That we enforce limits on the happiness that another human being can possess? That we no longer believe such blissful happiness exists?

Psychiatry books tell us that a sign of a disturbed mental state is inappropriate display of emotion, e.g. laughing during sad times. I understand what the psychiatrists mean.

But... I think that... to be able to laugh in times of sorrow... is a gift indeed.

Perhaps a little pinch of madness would do us all some good =)

*********************************

On msn

"You don't understand me..."
"You're right... I don't."

How self righteous of me. How much do I understand of myself anyway? I'm sorry.

***********************************

Some things are better left unsaid

"Why do you always walk behind me? Can't we walk together instead?"

If I walk behind you...
... at least I know...
... you'll be waiting for me.

*************************************

Even though I can't see the sun through these clouds
I know it still shines
Even though I can't feel Your love through this pain
I know You're alive

Even though I can't understand
Why this storm still blows, and
Even though I can't hear Your voice
I love Your rain

Even though I can't see the way up ahead
I know that You lead
Even though I can't feel Your presence now
I know I believe

**************************************
别过脸前才知道泪会流
要走向前才明白
舍不得所以回头
放了手看懂了

离愁才是抓紧的手
转过身后才知道心会痛
要狠下心才明白
走一步有多遥远
放了心看懂了
不放的是一些曾经

给我答应我们会再见。
******************************

In lecture

Clinical psychologist: The opposite of fear is anger.

Hmmm.

Maybe... we ought to search our hearts carefully before we let anger get the better of us.
Maybe... we were just trying to hide our fear.
Maybe... it's time we took off that mask.

P.S. I cut my hair. Again. As expected, I don't like it =D

Heart

2008-07-09T03:13:00.004+08:00

I... don't even know why I'm here; when there's so much more to be done, to be experienced. Here I am, fingers poised, mind blank, heart troubled.

The reason why we are medical students and not engineering I guess.
Though I still insist the seesaw had equilibrium problems in the first place.

Enough of advertising.
Moving on.

One starry night... many hearts were touched in CF camp. Dreams, desires, burdens- like Abraham, we laid our Isaac before God. You know, I always thought committing our dreams to Him was enough, that trusting in Him to realise the dream in His time would be enough... Now I know it isn't. Loving God isn't just about waiting on Him to fulfill dreams, it's about loving despite having your dreams broken.

Though he slay me, I will hope in Him.

The same starry night. Inside the building, one special heart felt drawn. Tears fell. Prayers uttered. Hands laid. Outside the building, a star shone, brightest amongst its peers against the velvet darkness. And I... I took it as a promise.

Take my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Change my heart O God.

One sunny morning few days later in Malacca. While waiting for our car ride home to arrive, Mum and grandpa argues about Christianity and Buddhism once more. I... quietly watch. Out of the blue, grandpa turns to me.

"Wei Lyn, do you believe in eternal life?"

The ball falls into my court.

What should I say?

Grandma walks in. I ask her to sit down too and listen. Ever ready to humour their beloved granddaughter, they both look at me expectantly.

"Yes I believe in eternal life."

Voice quivering,

courage faltering.

Father, help me.

I blink back hot tears.

To no avail.

I plunge ahead.

"Grandpa, grandma... do you know why mum and I want you guys to believe in Jesus so badly?

It's not because we think Buddhism is bad,

or that we think our God will reward us for turning you into Christians.

I... the two of you aren't young anymore.

I... don't want to cry like some monster when the two of you leave.

I want the assurance that your departure will only be temporary,

that I'll still meet you in heaven one day.

If you believe that Jesus, Son of God loves you and died for your sins,

you have eternal life.

I don't want to attend your funerals knowing that it's goodbye forever..."

Grandma's eyes glisten.

Grandpa sits in defiant, stubborn silence.

I continue to sob.

Mum leans against the front door, the lone tear on her cheek reflecting sunlight.

And...

Our car arrives to pick us up.

I hug grandpa goodbye. He hardly looks at me. I hug grandma goodbye. Tearing, she apologises. Funny how sometimes we apologise, knowing that that "sorry" isn't warranted but still saying it because we don't know what else we can say...

One night. One morning. One young heart. Two old hearts. The same prayer. The same God. Such different responses. Why?

Quoting a friend (I don't know if you'd like to be named):

What works or not in this matter is never our doing.

We don't make the calls on who gets saved...

...but I take a stand that we just need to love them.

And then trust Him.

For every person out there who's struggling with disbelief in his/her relationship:

I hope this speaks to you. I know you hurt. God hurts too. So do I.

If you stop hurting, you've given up.

For every person out there whom I've tried to share God's love with:

Forgive me my selfishness, I... just can't bear to say goodbye to you,

knowing that it could be for forever.

P.S. Nick (Ng), Li... are my motives wrong?

*************************************************************************

For those who don't know, I applied for NUS medicine quite a while back. Wrote the essay, studied the Singapore health system, attended the 1 hr 15 minute long interview, and failed to get in. They offered me bioengineering instead.

Another shattered childhood dream. Amazing I didn't cry. Or feel as sad as I thought I would.

Thought of blessings that night. And tried to imagine how long it would be if I tried to write them down. Resolved not to try.

But still felt like trying.

I like... the way my paternal grandma and I can talk about the most disgusting things under the sun and she's cool with it.
I like... my family conversations. We're weird.
I like... how absolutely loving and amazing my aunt is.
I like... how my mum has the ability to make me cry by telling me the story of a sad incident that she cried over.
I like... my dad so much sometimes I wish I could marry him but also thank God I can't.
I like... the way my bro always has to call me "jie jie" even when he acts so macho and cool.

I like... the way God created a colourful world.
I like... the peace God gave me and would really like to hold onto it.
I like... the diversity in the personalities God created.
I like... the seafood God gave.
I like... the fact that God created music.

As for people...
If your name isn't here, please do not take it to heart.

I like... the way Cher Hui and I can still laugh and cry with each other despite different unis.
I like... the way Eunice hugged and cried with me at church camp altar call last year.
I like... the way Grace and I can relate to each other even when we don't talk much.
I like... the way Sarah and I can talk about our feelings so freely, even though we're so different.
I like... the way Li understands, and guides me so gently, even from afar.
I like... the way Hui Ying can care for people so self-sacrificingly.
I like... the way Amery was there for me when I was at my lowest.

I like... the way Nic (Ng) and I can care for and comfort each other even when we're oceans apart.
I like... the way Li Hong understands, consoles and says the most thought-provoking things.
I like... the way Nick (Hee) and I have this weird bond in which he tries to answer all the weird questions I ask.
I like... the way Jun Yet patiently listens, even when I don't make sense.
I like... the way Tim (Cheng) was there for me last year when I needed comfort.
I like... the way Ern Sheong tries to care, even when I'm moody.
I like... the way Wei Ken still calls up once in a while and we can talk about anything.

I like... prayer meetings when people speak from the heart.
I like... knowing that God is near.
I like... silence and solitude.
I like... watching guys being themselves.
I like... the beauty of literature.

I like... watching people in love.
I like... worshipping with children.
I like... listening to old people tell me about their younger days.
I like... crying at weddings.

I think... you must be bored. I'll stop.

P.S. 我喜欢... 蓝尾巴你默默的关心。希望有朝一日你能坦白。

****************************************************

You won't understand this.
It's alright.

Stained.
Ugly.
Tainted.
Undesirable.

*Sighs.

If the world rejects you,
remember it rejected me first.

Part of your world

2008-06-14T03:41:00.021+08:00

Like Joshua said- in my world I have to wait.

I don't know when...
I don't know how...

Watch and you'll see
Some day I'll be...

...part of your world.

Will you be waiting too?

Smile

2008-06-12T05:50:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I just wonder... why do we smile? Who invented smiling? How did Adam learn to smile? Did God smile at Adam and Adam learnt the skill and passed it down?

Hey you..! Why do you smile? Do you smile because you want to? Or because you have to? Or because you think you look better when you smile? How often is your smile one of courtesy, and how often is it one borne of genuine, sincere happiness? Can you tell the difference? Can the person you're smiling at tell the difference?

I know it's almost 5am in the morning and this crazy girl is talking about smiling. I guess at least it's comforting to know that weird thoughts only come at unearthly hours. But since we're on the subject, let's talk about it anyway. =)

AHA! I just did it! I smiled. So why did I? What did I mean by doing that? Do you think that smile was genuine? I'm asking my seemingly overworked but actually very underworked brain these questions as I type. And my answer is... honestly... I don't know. I smiled on reflex, and if I search my motives, the only reason I can find for it is that even though you're not interested in reading about my thoughts on smiling, I can still talk about it because this is my blog. =) There... I just did it again!

You know how sometimes we see people we recognise as some ex-primary school classmate on the street and we smile at them, they smile back and we quickly divert our eyes away and hope we won't meet head on with them because that would mean an awkward, meaningless conversation? I wonder... was that smile genuine? Did it say "hey, I'm happy we met on the street"? Or was it just to acknowledge the person's presence so that you wouldn't be considered rude?

How about on msn and smses? I don't know about you, but I punctuate many of my sentences with =). Now I think back and ponder on the sincerity of those smiles. Just how many of those smiles actually came from the heart? And I think... sometimes we have not just degraded the significance of a smile, we have also misused it- to escape the consequences of our words and actions. Consider this example:

A. Love you.
B. Love you. =P

If I were to receive a message with A, I would be really touched. But if I were to receive a message saying B, it wouldn't have the same effect on me, because I wouldn't be sure at all whether the sender meant it that way, and chances are, he (normally a member of the same sex wouldn't mind not adding the smiley) purposely added the smiley so that he could use those words and yet claim not to have meant it that way. In essence, it would mean just kidding. Is that what the significance of a smile has deteriorated to??? I think I'm digressing.

Do you think people can tell between a fake smile and real smile? I think so... When people smile because they're happy, you can see the sparkle in their eyes, and you feel like smiling too, even if you're only looking at their photo. But when people smile because they have to, even if the aesthetic value remains, I think there's less sparkle, and their smile is less infectious. But that's just me.

After much rambling, we FINALLY come down to the crux of the matter. Does it matter whether your smile is genuine? Well... it depends on the frequency of your smiling I think. If you smile very often, what a sad, sad, sad soul you would be that you spend much of your precious time doing something you don't care about! Since smiling is a habit to many of us now, especially when there's a camera pointed at us, perhaps we should try putting some heart into our smile. After all, it takes time to have a conversation and share the happiness, but it only takes a few seconds to smile from the heart, and effectively spread the joy. Even if you don't give two hoots about sharing happiness, think of it this way- it's so efficient! AND if you say you don't have any reason to smile, look below:

Okay, I don't really know how to make people smile.

But I think the orang utan(if he is one) looks really cute with his nose all scrunched up!

This is what I mean by smiling from the heart.

Don't you feel like smiling too?? =)

Don't smile as though you mean it,

Smile and mean it.

Will you smile from the heart with me? =D

P.S. There's so much more I want to say here (not on this subject), but it's almost 6am!! Definitely time for bed... and I am in a DEEP DEEP abyss of trouble in terms of studies. *pages for more help from above*

For a long time...

2008-06-01T01:11:00.009+08:00

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

~Alfred d'Souza~

Interesting don't you think?

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-
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From Prince Caspian:

Why were you afraid to come?
Because I was too scared to come alone...

You're lucky you know Lucy...
Why?
Because you can see Him... Sometimes I wish He'd give me a bit more proof you know?

Sounds so much like me...

Edit: Maybe it's not cuz He didn't give me enough proof, but that I'm looking for it in the wrong places...

Making a difference

2008-05-25T02:37:00.009+08:00

It's 4.40am in the morning and here I am, finally, blogging. I don't know if it's a good sign, but I've been thinking a lot lately. So much so that now I finally have the time to pen down my thoughts, I'm at a loss for words.

Insecurity. I think if we all search our hearts and scour it with a fine toothcomb, we'll all find insecurity embedded in there somewhere to some degree- in some people very little, in some people a lot more. Like me =) The other day a thought popped into my head and disturbed me, and try as I might, I could not push it away. The thought, or rather question, was thus:

Would it make a difference to anyone if I left?

You might ask what I meant by "left"... physical departure? death? You apply your own definition. Well it got me thinking. Would anyone miss me if I wasn't around anymore? Or would everyone be able to continue on as if I never existed before? Does my presence even matter to the people around me? My answer was ...... . I wasn't sure. I didn't know. I didn't know whether I wanted to know. Anyway, long and short of it, I spent a week in emotional tachycardia, alternately blissfully happy and then tearing up, hearing these questions like a never-ending refrain in my head. I know it wasn't healthy, and in some sense it was actually really self-centered and silly of me, but I guess I gave my heart free rein.

Until my coursemates and I had prayer meeting and Daniel shared Phillipians 4:8 with us:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.

That woke me up alright. But that prayer meeting made me realise the innate desire we have inside us to belong. And perhaps sometimes in our carelessness we have left people out, in our thoughtlessness we have made people feel they don't belong... I guess it boils down to this- If you make others feel like a part of the group, in the process you'll find your sense of belonging. Maybe. I'm not sure.

As for would your absence make a difference, I think that depends on whether you even try to in the first place?

Won't You Lord, take a look at our hands?
Everything we have, use it for Your plans,
Won't You Lord, take a look at our hearts?
Mould it, Refine it, As You set us apart.

We want to run to the altar,
And catch the fire,
To stand in the gap,
Between the living and the dead,
Give us a heart of compassion,
For a world without vision,
We will make a difference,
Bringing hope to our land.

Somehow the song fits, doesn't it?

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My next topic is rather similar to the first. You know how is it when you don't see a friend for a really long time, and when you finally do meet up things are so awkward and you seem to have nothing in common anymore? Turns out that you don't need a period of a year or so for that to happen. A week, or even a day, is sufficient for some. Then it struck me. Is our friendship so shallow that if we not talk for one day, we can't connect with each other anymore?? It's soooo... sad...

你和我之间隔着一层界线, 不曾有改变。

也许这样追随幸福的影子, 至少没失望...

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Another thought: I realise how much happiness I derive from the people around me, from their warmth, love and friendship... Which in itself isn't a bad thing, but then I realise how much unhappiness I feel when those people aren't around me. I think... more important than ever, we need to find joy in what we do, and not just in people. People come and people go, people change; God doesn't, and neither does the fruit of our labour. Maybe the bulk of the happiness should stem from there instead...

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Anyway, Jun Yet tagged me ages ago. I'll do it now.

The Rules:-

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
3. Tag eight people at the end of this post and list their names.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving them a comment on their blogs.

Random fact #1
I think the warmest, sweetest most loving hug in the world is a hug from behind.

Random fact #2
Sometimes I wish I could meet my past self, to tell her to hold her head higher and brave the storm that would be coming. And sometimes I wish I could meet my future self, so that she could tell me what's going to happen to me so that I can stop worrying.

Random fact #3
Sometimes I wonder how could anyone like me, and then the knowledge that Someone loved me enough to die for me becomes almost too much to bear.

Random fact #4
I haven't given up the dream of standing in court in the white wig, speaking eloquently to defend my helpless client. Or the dream of becoming the ultimate wedding planner.

Random fact #5
30 years from now I would like to have seen the world and understood its people, and sit down to write a book that would touch the hearts of the youth, and speak some sense to the old. I'm thinking love story at the moment =P

Random fact #6
I love this quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson: To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the approbation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to have made the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition, to know that even one life has breathed easier, because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Random fact #7
Sometimes I wish guys don't exist in this world. Don't ask me why. I won't tell you. But then again, then Jesus wouldn't have existed either.

Random fact #8
The Bible says God collects our every tear in bottles. I think God must have many, many, many bottles with my name on it in heaven.

Bonus random fact #9
I love this photo of Sarah and I in the garden of the polyclinic.

Bonus random fact #10
I have a friend named Grace whom I think is beautiful, both in character and appearance.

Whoever feels like doing the tag, feel free.

Until the next time, God bless you.

P.S. Nicholas dear, I'm sorry I haven't replied your email. Things have been hectic and my time management a little off. Hope you're healthy and well over there. When are you coming back??
P.P.S YAY Li!! Call me out when you're back!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LI YENN

2008-04-29T23:02:00.003+08:00

I know it's terribly belated... but I also know you'll forgive me =)
A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MISS YONG LI YENN...

Like the rushing waters in a turbulent stream
People come
And people go

It's all too swift- almost but a dream
But when all's been said and done
Still our friendship, and its memory I'll never forgo

Your faith inspired mine
Your love kept me close to Love divine
God chose you to show me the Way
I was blessed when you chose to obey

Even if our tomorrows aren't forthcoming
Even if you'll always be so faraway
I know I've made a friend worth having
It's ok; we'll still meet in heaven someday! =P

Li Yenn, do you know this is the ONLY photo of us I have??
Shocking!!

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY LI YENN!!!

*HUGS*

P.S. Forgive the weird rhyming and the uneven verses =)

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This is to Kai:

You're still not allowed to cut yours!!! =P

I miss...

2008-04-14T00:40:00.006+08:00

I miss... the innocence.

I miss... the old days.

I miss... the passion.

Dressed to kill =P
(Asepsis ma... kill pathogenic microorganisms)

Our regular selves.

Visit to a local clinic.

I miss... my hair.

I had a haircut. =( =( =(

Because He lives
I can face tomorrow
Because He lives
All fear is gone
Because I know
He holds the future
And life is worth the living
Just because He lives

and Him alone.

It is written,
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart."
I Corinthians 1:19

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

I can't believe I'm blogging now...

2008-04-11T02:40:00.000+08:00

... but I am. Let me get some things off my chest first.

The other day I was talking to a friend, and he asked me whether I felt lonely in university... I was surprised. I gave him a definite no. But from his tone I could tell that he was surprised at my surprise at his tone(do make allowances for the lack of sleep), and it... yes.. surprised me =)

You know what people always say you can be alone but not lonely, and the loneliest place in the world is actually in the midst of a crowd? What a paradox. And to some extent, it reveals the state we are in today. That it is desirable to be surrounded by friends, or acquaintances, or just anyone... and one should never never have lunch alone because that would be deemed pathetic. Then I wonder... if there are so many lonely people out there, why don't they seek each other out so that they won't be lonely anymore? Then I think of myself... and how I feel lonely so often, and think of what I would do at those times. The answer? Emo. Coming to think of it, utterly fruitless use of time and energy. Why don't I seek those other lonely people out? Haiyo... Shy ma...! Let someone else do it... why me?

Then I think some more (yes I agree rachel thinks too much), and what someone(I can't remember who) shared with us in prayer meeting few weeks back. I think this applies to us whether or not we Christians... that instead of thinking "why me"... think "why not me"?? I don't know what you think, but I think she's right. It's not even just in friendships, it's about everything in life, when bad things happen to us... No one ever says "why me" when a good thing happens to them, so why the double standard? I know it's a terribly hard thing to do, and it's just plain human nature to dislike sudden changes and events, especially when they're not what we want, but think of it this way- when you ask "why me", you're actually asking "why not any other random person in the world but me"... and that random person could be your 80 year old darling grandma, your best friend who's currently studying overseas, your parents, your girlfriend, your old dog who's been with you for 10 years(do dogs live that long? =P) or just anyone you care for and love...

So will you still ask "why me"?

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I actually still have a lot on my mind, but I think I'd hold my peace for now.

*hears some of you breathe sighs of relief* =P

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Okay, the rest of this post is mainly for the benefit of the people whom I love so much who are either far far away from me physically, or emotionally, or both. So all you people whom I see almost every day(whom I also love very much =P), I would advise that you don't read, because all of these(events and photos) are repeated in many of your blogs, and in much more interesting ways =) Wah... I never knew I was so diplomatic =P

OH... by the way, for those of you who do have time, I've been learning about gene therapy in university this week, and this was one of the articles included in our reading material, which I thought was written really poignantly and interestingly. People with bio-phobia(you know who you are), it's not a dry scientific article, but more of a human interest feature article(I don't even know if I used the correct term), but you really should read it!! Nic, Li... I think you'll really enjoy it too, if you can squeeze it into your busy schedule =) It really touched a part of me, but a part of me still feels that it isn't right. Tell me what you think?

Here's the link: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?sec=health&res=9C03E4DE1F3CF93BA15752C1A96F958260

Enjoy!!

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Before I begin, I would like to thank Nick Hee, Terence, Samantha and Jun Yet for all the photos here, and for allowing me to steal them from their respective blogs and facebook photo albums. *Hugs*

I guess I should start in chronological order.

Our very first outing to Sunway Pyramid.
As you can tell, we all love taking photos of ourselves.
What to do...
We're all such beautiful people =P
Thank you God. =)
And yes, that's our reflection.

Every Friday is theme day.
This particular Friday happened to be Hats and Caps.
Nick, I think we look good here =P

The Friday morning when some of us woke up insanely early,
and some of us were insanely late,
and all of us drove(or were driven=P) to Klang for Bak Kut Teh.

Which I am SO IN LOVE WITH now.
Solid proof that the girls in our faculty are both smart and pretty =)
If you disagree please don't tell me.

Bak Kut Teh wasn't enough for that Friday.
In the afternoon, off we went to SP again for 27 Dresses.
A very sweet movie.
Oh there's something in this movie that caught my attention.
Remind me to tell you later =)

How could a visit to SP be complete without a snapshot of our reflections? =)

Another Friday...
themed Culture.
So from left to right we have the cultures of
Monash, Malay, half-Chinese, Avril Lavigne, Hiphop, and...
...I have no idea LOL. Teenage maybe?
I have no idea why our hands were in that position though.

It was a rainy Friday afternoon...
While Nick and Sarah were off getting their cars,
the four of us...
well... yeah...
you'll see.

TRIED TO SAVE THE WORLD!!
Meet Catwoman, Spiderman, Ultraman and Sailormoon.
Don't laugh.

Then we all became supernerds to prepare for our formative exam,
which was on this past Tuesday,
which culmination we celebrated with Giant Earthquakes at Swensen's.

Did I tell you?
SUMMATIVE EXAM'S NEXT FRIDAY!!!
AND I HAVEN'T HIT THE BOOKS SINCE FORMATIVE ENDED!!!
AND HERE I AM BLOGGING AT 2AM!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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Just a random photo at the Singapore Airport about 2 months ago.
Look at the beautiful fake scenery they have there!!

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Oh yes I wanted to tell you about 27 dresses.
"What's your favourite part of a wedding?"
"The part when the bride enters, and everyone turns to look at the bride...
...but I look at the groom...
because the look on his face as he watches her walking in,
says it all..."

Awww...
God please let the groom at my wedding have that look too!!!

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Okay, final event I want to blog about.
A proposal I witnessed in the university cafeteria.
Which, I have to say, moved me to tears.
I'll try to recap it as accurately as possible.

Nick sits opposite Samantha, looking earnestly at her.
Nick: Samantha, I've known you for this past one month, and it has been such a joy.

Samantha looks super touched.

Nick: Getting to know you has been such a blessing
that I think that it's time we take our relationship to the next level.
Samantha, I guess what I'm really trying to say is...
*gets down on one knee in front of her*
*cameraman Terence and video-woman Cheryl zoom in on them*

*Samantha clapses her hands in anticipation*

Nick: Samantha, will you do me the honour...
...
...
...
of...
...
...
...
CARPOOLING WITH ME?

Samantha: YES!
*squeals with delight and opens her arms wide*

Nick takes out a ring and Samantha happily jams it on her index finger.

Samantha: YES THE CARPOOLING RING!!!

And they lived happily ever after.
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Did I mention the tears were tears of laughter? =P

Hope that brought a smile to your face, wherever you are.